How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.

He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.

As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?

Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.

Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.

Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

I am ok, thank you for asking

Vulnerability. Beautiful and scary at the same time. It can be beautiful if you allow it to be, but most often it is scary because you just have to let go. Give in. Let it take over. But once you do, let go of that sense of control it most often will be beautiful... and scary... 

I think during the past week I, in my silence, saw the peak of my vulnerability. I was in a car accident that could have ended much worse than it did. It still have me sitting here with a very stiff and sore back, neck and body along with having a concussion that is pretty much in control of my life at the moment. But I am alive. It happened on a snowy highway driving to get my hair done. Now I not only have these pains I also never got my hair done and my car is no more.

On the outside I paint up this picture to be this strong woman...

~ I am ok ~

~ I will be just fine  ~

~ I am thankful to be alive ~

~ Oh, it is nothing, don't worry ~

~ I can do this ~

~ I will manage ~

~ I can juggle (read ignore) this concussion while also working  ~

~ I am in control ~

~ I am strong ~

~ I am lucky ~

It is all a lie... I feel none of these things in this moment. I feel lonely. I feel naked. I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone, even myself... I cannot ask for help because I don't know what to ask for. And if I in an instant think of something to ask for; I quickly kick it off my mind and convince myself I can deal with it on my own - It all happens automatically without me even realizing it.

This is the moment we need people that not only say "let me know if I can help you in any way" but the people that actually do without even asking. Because the truth is - I still don't know what to ask for because I don't even know what I need. The people that do can't do anything wrong in a situation like that. Anything and Everything will be appreciated.  

I hope that I someday become a doer for someone else. And maybe along the process I can make my vulnerability into something beautiful because right now - all it is, is scary. And I am living in a lie by not allowing it to come out...

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

19 of 20 - How can you even think that?!

Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

My hair is a hot topic. I have colored it in different colors, I have cut it shorter, I have curled it and I have kept it straight. It is a subject he likes - if I do what he likes and a subject he loves to bring up if I do not. He likes it blond, long and curly.

One evening we were going to an event. You can call it "his" event, at least that is what he calls it because it was for one of the organizations he is involved in. I had to wear a gown and was going to put in my blond extensions and curl it. I truly looked like a princess. I also had a silver headband in my hair to match my silver-gray dress.

When I was done with my hair and make up he was so angry. So so angry that he made me shake. He threw hangers and told me he no longer wanted to go to this event that I had ruined it all. I thought, and said that I don't understand why you are so upset about me wearing a headband... And he replies "it is not about the headband it is about the fact that you do not want to do what your husband asks you to do. You are not willing to please me. After all this is my event and you should look the way I wanted you to look. It is such a small thing to ask of you and still you cannot do it." 

He has said the same thing over and over and over.. And still feels the same right about that he fully have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I cut it - it is making me look like a boy. I color it - I don't look like his wife and he cannot look at me... He just cannot understand how I cannot have my hair the way it would please him the most at all times, because it is such a small thing. But if I say that "yes it is such a small thing that you should allow me to have it the way I like it" he does not understand. That if I do, he has the right to call me out on it and make me feel like I am a horrible person. That I don't understand how to please him and that it is just a little thing that is so easy to do.  

I know this is not a really good example of the above statement but the truth to be told.. There has been so many conversations where he has twisted my truth that I no longer remember them or understand where it started and ended. All I know is that my thoughts are most often wrong and he pays very little attention to them. He seem to want to hear them but just to twist them around to make me feel like I am worthless. And bring them back later and use them as a weapon against me...

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

I saw the red flags but I didn't do anything

I heard a new song on the radio last week. It was suppose to be all cute and romantic but it gave me the chills. I wish I had remember the name of it but I don't right now..

But this song brought me to a blog post I had written in June of 2011 - over three years ago now. I was writing about my life with Thunderstorm, although back then I didn't call him that. But you can see some of the red flags I had already picked up on, yet I tried to write it with a positive angle since I didn't want to hurt anyone reading it, my family mainly.

Here are some parts of the post:

"Thunderstorm does not love that many people, in contrast to me whom finds love in a lot of things in life and those people I have around me. But when Thunderstorm loves, he does so very strongly. There is no grey area with him, it is either black or white. Loyal I guess you can call him and he does everything for those he loves". [confusion on my part --- he obviously did not do everything for those he loves, but rather control them]


"He is also very protective and says he would not be able to live with himself in case something happened to me, something he knew he could have prevented in the first place. It is a part I appreciate with him but at the same time it drives me crazy. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, but that is not possible with him. Thunderstorm seems to see danger behind every corner and is prepared for the worst. I, on the other hand, see experiences and opportunities behind every corner and I want to at least peek every time. Sometimes this causes problems. We don't understand each other at all. Communication problems in a nutshell". [a very strong sign of an abuser when they say that they just want to protect you... it has nothing to do with you, but rather them and their control issues]


"We also have completely different love languages. I am a Physical touch person and Thunderstorm prefers Acts of Service. When I clean the apartment he takes that as I love him while I just mean that it needed to be cleaned. When I want to cuddle next to him while watching a movie he just says it is too warm. His was of showing love is appreciated during winter when he removed the snow on my car, I never have to do it." [his love language is not in the book. Yes he loves services but he would never be satisfied ever]


"Thunderstorm is a assertive and self-confident person. An alpha male. He is a great teacher and loved to teach stuff he knows and can. He has his own ways of looking at things and he is very hard to convince into another perspective unless you can prove it scientifically". [ehhh... yes, he will yell at you if you are doing something "wrong" I don't know if that is being a great teacher.. and that he has no ability to look at things from a different point of view]


"He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. I wish I could say the same about me. I just want stuff to be done fast or I'll lose interest in it. I think Thunderstorm is a notch more stubborn and proud, and pays attention to stuff around him more than what others does."  [the traits of an abuser...]

When Thunderstorm later read this post in it's full after I had posted it in 2011, he flipped out and left the house. He was "hurt" and was so upset about that now people would look at him as the person who want's favors in form of services. He hated me for it. The outburst should have been another red flag for me. But I blamed the whole thing on myself.. *my stomach is twisting*

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

10 of 20 - I feel like I have to live a secret life to even survive

Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-Well, I'm married to my Loser and not just dating him, which makes this slightly different, but not much. At this point I have almost lost all of my friends. I only talk to people he pretty much approve of, at least in front of him. I have friends at work and I don't let them interact with him because it is not a good combo. To him my work is just a place I work and not a place I keep friends. In his opinion I cannot have friends at work because they would not be real friends, however he can have friends at work...

Let's look at the phone situation: He believes that because of what I do for a living, sitting by a computer most of the time, I should be able to answer the phone 24/7 no matter what. If I don't answer the phone, especially on a business trip he gets very frustrated. Everything gets tuned up when I am away. When I am away I need to send him signs of love constantly. That means call him constantly and answer the phone no matter what. If I don't he let's me know that he is going to contact a lawyer and start the divorce process. The strange part is that we never have anything to talk about when we are on the phone... But I guess he is trying to keep me occupied talking to him, or holding the phone against my ear that I can't interact with other people or even read a book.


I honestly cannot do anything when he is around. It is if I know he will think I am doing something wrong and then, I will do something wrong. When we go out he can flip out about how I am having my hair styled or what I am wearing and other times he says he does not care. It is very confusing and anxiety triggering. While out I keep my mouth shut most of the time. I let him do the talking. It is best that way.. because when I talk I might say something that he does not agree with and he might lose his temper and that is a scene to hide! I don't want anyone to have to see or put up with his temper, anger, or controlling issues.

I don't really want to see them either but rather me than anyone else. However - soon I'll be out too. I have to.

9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

7 of 20 - I'm sorry it is all my fault - I think but I am not sure, you confuse me.

It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

This mind-twisting game is what is getting to me the most. Every time we have an argument or disagreement even, he has an incredible ability to twist anything and everything I say into something completely different. He even twists my actions into something completely different.

Me working extra hours to get more money to pay bills is not seen as me helping out. He sees it as me not catering to his needs and requirements. (huh???) Yet in the next breath he is concern about how much bills we have...

For the longest time I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Because most of the time after an argument he had pretty much convinced me that I was the one that had done something wrong and he had the right to act anyway he pleased. That I should appreciate that he has the "balls" to set me straight and teach me how I should act and what I should say. And ultimately what and how I should think...I should appreciate that...

I am not saying I am perfect. I do make mistakes all the time, just ask him. But at what point does a missed phone call calls for verbal abuse? Or when does a headband calls for having hangers being broken and thrown in your direction? When?

One time we were heading out for dinner and I wanted to get something in the mail before it was going to be picked up. I walked out of the house with the mail in my hand and stopped to talk to a neighbor who just walked by with his two dogs. He had recently gotten home from the hospital due to a pretty serious injury and I wanted to see how he was doing. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and then I left for the post office. I was probably back at the house within 30 minutes but before I had gotten home He had left. He was FURIOUS. There was no way to calm him down. I was late, even if I didn't have a time to watch. I had prioritized the letter before him... and he didn't want to eat dinner with me anymore. He didn't return until really late that night after yelling at me on the phone multiple times threatening with divorce.

It was all my fault. Always is. Always will be.
What I am saying is that mistakes are being made every day. But to abuse someone for making them and making the person feel that they deserve the abuse is beyond WRONG.

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

5 of 20 - I am just lonely

Cutting Off Your Support. In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- This was easy. My whole family lives in Europe. He got that taken care of when I moved to the US. Not that he forced me or anything like that. I wanted to move. I do believe I was meant to live here for some of my life and I still do, I am not meant to leave yet no matter how much I miss my family and friends... I  have a purpose here still. 

However, he will discourage me to hang out with my friends here. He never wants to hang around my friends. If there is an after-work event or even a party over the weekend I feel like I have to lie or decline the invitation. If I lie and go I can never stay long. The only time I spend time with my work colleagues after work hours is if we are traveling together or he is away and I don't have to declare every minute of my day. It is the only way for me to go and enjoy it.

He does not always say no to me going but will make a big deal out of me leaving him alone, trying to play into my conscience. "What am I going to do then", "What am I going to eat", "Who will keep me company".. etc. See, he has pushed his friends away so he always have to recruit new ones on a bi-yearly basis I would say. So normally he does not have anyone to call and hang out with, and I don't even feel he wants to.

Last year I did a mud run with some of the people I work with, and we had dinner afterwards. In the middle of the dinner he calls and I ignore it, sending a text saying I will leave in a little bit and will call when I do. I called maybe 30 minutes later as I was driving away and he is screaming like the house is on fire. "How can you spend time with these people, you don't even know them!" and "They are not your f%#ing friends, you are stupid for thinking that!" 

Huh?? I work with them. I care for them and I know they care for me too. We actually have fun together! I rather spend time with them than YOU you Loser!

He has already won this fight. Because at this point I have stopped getting invitations from people at work. They know I will say no and my friends outside of work consist of two people. And their husbands are tired of hanging out with my husband since he is so "intense".

 

"God is with me and will keep me wherever I may go" ~ Genesis 28:15

3 of 20 - When aggression is routine

Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I think this is what I fear the most. This is exactly why I am afraid to say ANYTHING that goes against his ideas, ideology, and even way of acting. I can't say a thing, because what if he does turn his aggression into physical abuse? I mean, even my feelings are "wrong" in his opinion. I should be angry at stuff that I am not, I should be excited about stuff that I am not, I should not like things that I do, etc. etc...

He has never physically hurt me but if you read the 1 of 20 post from yesterday you know that he has been close. When talking about fighting others, he does so with pride. He is proud of being able to tear someone else apart with his bare hands. He is proud of hurting someone so bad that they can't get up, and he is proud for not getting caught doing it. He believes that every man (boy) should know how to fight. That he is not a man if he doesn't fight. Fighting is a sign of being a man... (maybe he was just born in the wrong century).

I must say though, that him getting involved in fights was a long time ago now, years.. but the threat is still there, he kind of make sure he advertise himself as a fighter to scare people off. He always speaks with at least a pinch of aggression and authority, even if he does not mean to. It is like his aggression is a shield to protect him... 

I have witnessed violence being used against others and felt it being used against me by him, it is routine at this point. I am, to be honest with you, afraid of my husbands temper and ultimately him. And I know others are too. It is hard for me to even put into words how much this aspect of who he is is affecting me because it is a daily thing pretty much. I get nervous automatically when he calls. I get nervous when he walks through the front door. I get nervous when we are going to do something together and with other people... Because you never know when he is going to (in my world) freak out again.

There are little things. He can freak out at the people that picks up the garbage if they don't do it on the right day. The person cutting him off in traffic better prepare for a person tailgating him/her for a while with the high beams on while the people sitting in the car with him get's to hear every bad word there is. If the waiter does not bring him his drinks on time your dinner date should just be cancelled because there is no point, he has already lost his temper. He gets angry so easily - even at things that to me are just stuff you should brush off your shoulder and move on. That it is not worth your energy to even acknowledge. It is almost like he is obsessed with it. That being angry is comfortable for him. He knows how to be that person.

Maybe that is why I am so nice to people. There always have to be a Yin to a Yang...

1 of 20 - Would you ever put your hands on me?

Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Broken Mirror by ILoveThat

I at least have one broken computer from him seeing an email I sent to his niece he didn't want me to talk to. He didn't want me to talk to anyone in his family because he felt that they had all betrayed him (a.k.a. they did not do something that he thought they should have done to show him they loved him - he discarded them in an instant, innocent or not, ALL of them). He broke my computer completely. Stepped on it, punched it, tore it apart... And I was just sitting there... terrified. I pretty much thought I was next and yet I just sat there waiting for it.

No, I never emailed his niece again... or anyone else in his family for that matter.

There was also a hole in the wall and a smashed mirror. It happened pretty recent, maybe a year ago. Thinking of it now, I can't remember why he was angry to the point he had to smash a hole in the wall. I know I was in the bedroom afraid to go out though.  It could have been me not wearing what he wanted, or picking wall color for the kitchen, or something of that sort. I really can't remember. All I know is that the remains of that hole is still there. It has been covered up but not painted yet...

Oh.. no.. the kitchen wall paint thing.. (I just remembered) for that issue he had a golf club in his hand and threatened to hit me with hit if I didn't shut up about a painting argument. We were going to paint the kitchen and had picked out the colors the day before. We were all ready to paint when he started to get angry about the fact that we were painting. He didn't think we were ready to paint because he wanted to replace the doors first. He stormed out the house and when he came back I asked him why he had not said that we weren't ready to paint yet.

In his response he made it clear that I was pushing him into painting that day. That the days and weeks before it he had been living feeling the constant pressure from me of me wanting to paint soon. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and had just given in. (I must have been a terror to live in when getting excited about finally getting another color in the kitchen).

The kitchen eventually got painted but the doors are still not replaced yet so I am glad we didn't wait for that. So, what did I do when he held his golf club telling me he was going to hit me with it? I told him to do it! "Do it" I said. Thinking at least he would pay for what he had done to me that time, no matter if I got out of it dead or alive. He would pay for that one.

He didn't hit me but the more I asked why he had not said anything about not wanting to paint the angrier he got... Finally, he went outside for a bit leaving me on the sofa in chock, still holding the golf club in his hand. I got up and watched him in the window for a bit, then I went into another room, trying to make myself busy doing whatever. He came back inside a while later and as he entered the room I was in, I set off a yelp thinking I was going to get smashed... he apologized (one of the few times he actually apologized to me) and gave me a hug and actually started to cry or wanted to cry.. I don't think there was any tears. I told him to never do that to me ever again.

...And I forgave him.  

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!

I am a Beast of Burden

I was googling the other day and found "The Narcissist in your life" blog and it was like she was talking about my relationship... Here is just a snapshot... (her writing) my comments

Narcissistic Abusers - Their Human Beasts of Burden
A beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work. Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.

The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every “relationship.” The narcissist gives orders–quite literally–and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot...
...The narcissistic spouse is impossible–making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective...

Like I have said before - if the cooking, laundry or cleaning is not done on time every time I am a worthless person. It never fails. He may not call it out on every occasion but it will build up into something for the future. Every time I am leaving work I must have a dinner plan in mind, and I must have at least three different suggestions so he can pick what he wants. It gives me anxiety every day and I rather just stay at work!

...Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress—yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage... 

For a long time I did. I guess I still do since we are still married. I wish I would have realized a long time ago. And I wish I would have started the mental process of leaving him sooner. I knew something was off with him probably less than one year after we got married and moved in together. But, I didn't recognize that it was him, I just though our relationship was going into one of those roller coaster downhills, or worse - because of me.

At least I have figured out where I stand. That is at least 25% of the battle. Right?