tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19645893637436933792024-03-05T00:02:03.502-05:00Personal Notes by LiliRoseAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.comBlogger76125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-28026175234084028642016-10-18T17:06:00.003-04:002016-10-18T17:06:40.802-04:00It didn't happen it was just locker room talk<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When abuse is invisible…</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX5AQzxLfLKVKLaNzAYojzRe2kVT5xrb5YVBzCZNmN-F0HVUp6mReX33WNXs78ViK4merT5SEFKQa9Thjg94kGlus7774nFaXPsJwzx3e0Edi549Xqa0MaGoZpCD43B4ZaWK0dDl4TZRmD/s1600/umbrella-170962_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX5AQzxLfLKVKLaNzAYojzRe2kVT5xrb5YVBzCZNmN-F0HVUp6mReX33WNXs78ViK4merT5SEFKQa9Thjg94kGlus7774nFaXPsJwzx3e0Edi549Xqa0MaGoZpCD43B4ZaWK0dDl4TZRmD/s320/umbrella-170962_1280.jpg" width="214" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">When abuse doesn't have proof… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">When abuse doesn't have witnesses…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">It didn't happen… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the abuser is nice to some…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">When the abuser say it didn't happen… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">It didn't happen… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More than ever before, these are things we
are hearing on a daily basis. </span></span><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And while it is important to have a
discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion
has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. </span><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While people in general are against abuse
(I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in
the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">It shouldn't be </span><i style="color: #1f497d;">“it is terrible this
happened, but…”</i><span style="color: #1f497d;"> or </span><i><span style="color: #1f497d;">“he said it, he didn't do anything”</span></i><span style="color: #1f497d;">, or <i>“It was locker room
talk”</i>, or… you fill out the rest. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">I will make a short political statement
here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have
this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us
and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion,
sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees,
our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A
president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or was it all for one? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Did I get it all mixed up? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Confused… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video
was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind
he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or
ignorant – that is ok – you have that right. Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call
or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “<i>locker
room talk”</i> it wasn't just talk to me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not
a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened
we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know,
my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am
his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom
were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a
lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I
felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other
hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no
to drinking water from his own glass. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1f497d;">The second time wasn't much different. We
were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy,
and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to
unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously.
He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was
all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as
he got in the car to leave… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That happened. That happened to me. But
since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he
wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that
happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night
out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you
know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do
anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His
wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There
was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><i>Women aren’t coming forward now because it
is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because
the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was
the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who
have, just like me, been hiding from what
that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened…
That is why they are speaking up. </i></b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You see… abusers may abuse in different ways
but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and
the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how
right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”.
How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they
will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something
in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find
out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for
defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault.
Ever. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What to make America Great Again? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about NOT building a wall that is
smelling very similar to the Berlin wall. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about NOT preventing people from entering
the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II
became such a big devastation for humankind. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about NOT hating people that doesn’t
come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after
all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about SMILING at your neighbor<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about SAYING HI to a stranger<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about OFFER A HAND to a friend<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in
case you never get another chance<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about LISTENING to someone that needs
someone to talk to<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How about TRUSTING what is morally right<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br />
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<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: dark2;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sending you all love </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-53800382529532171102016-09-22T11:39:00.000-04:002016-09-22T11:39:04.788-04:00Dating after abuse<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4H8uEDDm8myJ3m2fEGAW9freOWjfoaVx_iZ8qWiEJnXjKGDZ9SU-ZNBuvJ3_TyVI2GGSzWvPKR6snEweRJLMm9wmL88vuMOZntgtG7RG9VBcDecFCbei72BGVZGvj6marJ5jJ9tn0iZCd/s1600/dating-quotes-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4H8uEDDm8myJ3m2fEGAW9freOWjfoaVx_iZ8qWiEJnXjKGDZ9SU-ZNBuvJ3_TyVI2GGSzWvPKR6snEweRJLMm9wmL88vuMOZntgtG7RG9VBcDecFCbei72BGVZGvj6marJ5jJ9tn0iZCd/s320/dating-quotes-2.jpg" width="320" /></a>Dating after abuse is a subject I
never thought would be as tricky as it has been. <o:p></o:p></div>
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If you have been following my blog
throughout my struggle you might remember that last year I felt like I had met <i>The
One</i>. And, I must say that I still think he is <i>The One </i>however, it didn't work
out in our favor… At least not for right now. Don’t worry I don’t cry myself to
sleep every night thinking about him, nor do I sit and stare at my phone hoping
he will call or text me a simple “hello”. Those days have passed…
I don’t do that for a guy anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Just looking back at these two
years I have had plenty of dating experiences. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The first short relationship I
ended up in was a 3 month long rebound. 100% rebound. Did I know it at the
time? Heck no! I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. The man that
could outweigh all the bad. He was amazing on so many levels in my eyes. Smart,
handsome, tall, had an understanding about the world outside of his town/religion/color/etc,
loved kids, the way he would hold me, and on and on. Like really – the <i>Perfect Man</i>!
So, what happened? Well… I couldn't handle a perfect man! I didn't understand
why he was so nice and helpful all the time. I didn't understand why he cooked
dinner all the time while he asked me to just sip some wine in the living room.
I didn't understand how I could be pleased without reciprocation. I didn't get
it… And it made me insecure! I laugh at it now but it was STRANGE to say the
least. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me but I wasn't
ready. I wasn't ready for ONE thing – to RECEIVE all of this goodness. So it didn't last. <o:p></o:p></div>
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After the perfect man I ended up
in an open long-distant relationship/friendship with a man I had met on a
business trip. He had been my emotional compass throughout my process of
leaving. He was the one checking in on me. We were dating but we were also both
dating other people. It may sound strange now, but at the time it felt like the
perfect scenario. Even if I was longing for the perfect man (a new perfect man
LOL) I had also realized that I wasn't really ready. I needed to see what was
out there. Learn to know myself... <o:p></o:p></div>
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The spring and summer of 2015 went
by with random dates and visits to <i>Mr Long-distant Guy</i>. It was a great summer.
My physical needs were met. I had a place to stay. I had food. I had an income.
And, I had sex. Emotionally I was disconnected. Emotionally I was frozen. I
didn't feel safe yet to let anyone in. At least not a guy, because who knows…
he might just be an abuser in disguise. So I shut a lot of guys out before they
even had the chance to see me again. It worked. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjvnHtyKbdPZiScm2Ad05IPjmdWeRWNtoFrq2OByVUXGE_M-ZoJFxt5vhygX7MoCCAE-BBGCzLxBNsgfPQFSYVhmRQnGnE9VMtGQzU-CHRP6hzZTB62q9NOrzBhMqs3wHdIqIyfOkLUAjd/s1600/you-are-the-one-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjvnHtyKbdPZiScm2Ad05IPjmdWeRWNtoFrq2OByVUXGE_M-ZoJFxt5vhygX7MoCCAE-BBGCzLxBNsgfPQFSYVhmRQnGnE9VMtGQzU-CHRP6hzZTB62q9NOrzBhMqs3wHdIqIyfOkLUAjd/s320/you-are-the-one-1.jpg" width="320" /></a>Then, <i>The One</i> appeared at the end
of the summer of 2015. I was nonchalant with him too. I wasn't going to let him
in. But then, on the third date something happened. My stomach started to
flutter, sparkle, twinkle as I saw him come walking towards me. I honestly
asked myself what the heck was going on. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't.
The way he would literally ignite my soul was so new to me. I had this “<i>OMG! This
is how it feels like to fall in love</i>” thoughts come flushing over me
constantly. Previously, I had thought that maybe I wasn't capable of feeling
those feelings. He made me feel like there was fireworks going off every time
he crossed my mind, he held my hand, or whatever. I couldn't believe it. But I
sure as heck was feeling it. I knew. I just knew… <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It only lasted 4 months. And it
was painful when it was no more. More painful when I realized he had another
girl friend just a few months later. But despite the pain, the spark he ignited
in my soul is still lit. I know what love feels like now, and that is a miracle
in itself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After the painful breakup I was
determined to move on. I found someone else. It was online and before I opened
the app I asked the Universe to bring me a man I would love to hang out with. And
the Universe delivered. I met someone else. His smile was/is to die for! We
could speak for hours over the phone and he came from an abusive past so we
really had a lot of similarities. We lived 2 hours away from each other so we
only met on weekends mostly. After our first two months together however I
started to feel like something was missing, I just couldn't pin-point what it
was yet. He seemed to be very into me and we did have fun together so I kept at
it. And come on… his smile… To. Die. For. No. Joke. We also shared so many
ideas about business that it seemed like too good to be true sometimes. He got
me and my business. I got him and his business. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But… yeah, you could feel it
coming couldn't you?!… the “but”. He started to pull away. Not showing up to our
weekends together. Stuck talking about himself. And it was just not a good
feeling. I realized I was holding on to him not only because of his smile but
because of the pain I saw him still be in. I believed I could help him out. I
knew I could. However that is not the job of anyone. So the more I tried to “be
there” for him the more he pulled away, until it all blew up in my face. I don’t
blame anyone for the blow-up, I just see that we weren't a good match at this
time. He had more releasing to do on his end from his past then I did and he
wasn't ready to open up. He was me a year ago pretty much. So our nine month
long on-and-off relationship ended. I still love his smile but realize he has
to fight his own battles. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5doyQGZf2TVI29uHRzDMQGkp0jifUKTinUT4MIuNYJj_GIJn7OgO0SS_AmlnmewAbmRfId5XPWVf6hHtcaROP_kfzIeK7vNs9J1HTZv5_9g3R7NO0D2dmoWNlWMY2iFnFYVxfAu7YQr7/s1600/12-1024x768.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5doyQGZf2TVI29uHRzDMQGkp0jifUKTinUT4MIuNYJj_GIJn7OgO0SS_AmlnmewAbmRfId5XPWVf6hHtcaROP_kfzIeK7vNs9J1HTZv5_9g3R7NO0D2dmoWNlWMY2iFnFYVxfAu7YQr7/s320/12-1024x768.jpg" width="320" /></a>At this point in the story we are
here. Current time. And, I have met someone else. Someone that pretty much took
The One off my mind. Is he the new <i>The One</i>?! You may wonder… No he is not.. but
he is another soul-mate connection. (I believe in multiple soul-mates). And right
now I am figuring out what our relationship is and what it can be… <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So from Perfect man, to Mr
Long-Distant, to The One, to Smiles, to Soulmate… and let’s be honest a few
other I didn’t even mention in between – I have learned a lot about stuff. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Love. Relationship. My likes and
dislikes. And I have learned about Me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned that I deserve
kindness, that I deserve to receive, that I can only help myself, that a
relationship is mutual respect and love, that I am allowed to speak up, that I
am allowed to feel differently, that I am allowed to ask for what I want, that
I am allowed to be treated with nice “things”, that I am allowed to be
protected, and that I don’t need to sit around waiting for a guy. That I am the
first person I need to be in a relationship with – now and forever. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH4IbTr2jxNBMdaiowr5TwAxpt7d9jEzRjcIIU0_NwqPDIHnvgM93XCsKhMbFOXKnbMpR2ga27mbalH_BZQI35gbs7EUEWC4ifgqk1bAJlXX2uza7rkZz3c-51grWuMLfUu4ZkBqwbIqDB/s1600/loveme.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH4IbTr2jxNBMdaiowr5TwAxpt7d9jEzRjcIIU0_NwqPDIHnvgM93XCsKhMbFOXKnbMpR2ga27mbalH_BZQI35gbs7EUEWC4ifgqk1bAJlXX2uza7rkZz3c-51grWuMLfUu4ZkBqwbIqDB/s400/loveme.png" /></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-84228834082611722922016-09-20T09:50:00.000-04:002016-09-20T09:50:27.393-04:00What two years can do<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONlLjOk7IxYoAgISVkmA9jer0Omt9VtwAshII25yzw5RQBx2tN9CZ86_woWEDbENDzucZUSUuFGnbIm1YpcCkAfw6yAcsYcRFfiiAn-1WZAFsWu6miT_IUFw3qE6jovLbCoA0HVCDIsMf/s1600/2+byears.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONlLjOk7IxYoAgISVkmA9jer0Omt9VtwAshII25yzw5RQBx2tN9CZ86_woWEDbENDzucZUSUuFGnbIm1YpcCkAfw6yAcsYcRFfiiAn-1WZAFsWu6miT_IUFw3qE6jovLbCoA0HVCDIsMf/s320/2+byears.png" width="320" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has been two years now.</div>
<br />
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Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...</div>
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When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.</div>
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I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...</div>
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<br /></div>
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Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do. </div>
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Two years and life gets better and better...</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-49138661878106414052015-12-17T15:58:00.000-05:002015-12-17T15:58:31.046-05:00PTSD is "just" a diagnose<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0w9ssgfsgQQl6rfjE6Go_oZ0Xkf2emah7XYb7kZlXkU0UJHzMr0oFBblKV8sKRODdQDYlKA2YeVeQp0cIYve5pTWWP49Z0CZ0o9POFaM4jzjBcqLxm1dkq1l0r6AZw2FP_fycQKI2gCFC/s1600/ptsd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0w9ssgfsgQQl6rfjE6Go_oZ0Xkf2emah7XYb7kZlXkU0UJHzMr0oFBblKV8sKRODdQDYlKA2YeVeQp0cIYve5pTWWP49Z0CZ0o9POFaM4jzjBcqLxm1dkq1l0r6AZw2FP_fycQKI2gCFC/s320/ptsd.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><i>What is a diagnose? </i></b><b><i>Does it make us stronger or does it keep us trapped? </i></b><br />
<br />
I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.<br />
I have the signs. I have the feelings. I have it.... but I kind of refuse to obey by it because I don't want to be trapped in a diagnose. What if they say "<i>once PTSD always PTSD</i>"? then what? It is kind of like the fact that a bumble bee is too heavy to fly, but since it doesn't know this fact it still flies!<br />
<br />
I don't want to have it and I am working very hard not to have it... So I don't even pay attention to the fact that I do have it. Never did and I don't think I ever will. Because if I feed it even a slightest "<i>I don't have PTSD</i>" I will give it energy...<br />
<br />
So instead... I focus on love. I must. Love vs PTSD... I choose LOVE! Love will win :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-35171318177918828962015-11-11T16:42:00.001-05:002015-11-11T16:42:20.334-05:00On Cloud Nine<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtvLmMc8xScjbLqAgNXuJXMVoDtsBHIjN6HEgjRq1gcTI_5rdncG5hNnISi6Nmh3lBITjagAEbpfVEEHTZj1c4iEG7nexiIJORtdiFZPYZA7a29NMgns6VrH3QRNpm47to1XYNXwU6bmsc/s1600/love+thy+self.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtvLmMc8xScjbLqAgNXuJXMVoDtsBHIjN6HEgjRq1gcTI_5rdncG5hNnISi6Nmh3lBITjagAEbpfVEEHTZj1c4iEG7nexiIJORtdiFZPYZA7a29NMgns6VrH3QRNpm47to1XYNXwU6bmsc/s320/love+thy+self.jpg" width="249" /></a>I am bubbling over and I just HAVE to share this with the world. And what better day to do it than on 11/11 - the day our manifestations are the strongest, the day our thoughts becomes reality. Today is for positive thinking. Today is for affirming what we want!<br />
<br />
It's been over a year since I left a world in darkness and have walked a crazy path back to confidence, love and self-appreciation. The path have sometimes been too difficult and sometimes full of laughter and joy. But each and every step has brought me here today. I can proudly say that I love myself and to announce that I am IN LOVE.<br />
<br />
You guys are the first to know. He doesn't even know it. At least not from me <i>telling</i> him... He is the ONE. I know he is. Ok, that's it.. I have too many thoughts in my head and in my heart to really share but yes - he is the one and I can't wait to see what the future holds.<br />
<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-21458334073190857192015-10-15T11:54:00.000-04:002015-10-15T11:54:10.258-04:00Where is your love? Someone said today <i>"I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". </i>And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "<i>why didn't you just leave?" </i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLzKRLufx7zGAhe4mikTB3w4NawYQZPb0fsgBH_ydc0GxHeu76clX75LPa0D9NnbhbmmmqxaNwtQW6VMYsz9aRvCXV4V65KInPCQ048Va18INH71OcwzgVhJrkPl58Nmpl3cPEtrPXT__p/s1600/ilovemyself-250x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLzKRLufx7zGAhe4mikTB3w4NawYQZPb0fsgBH_ydc0GxHeu76clX75LPa0D9NnbhbmmmqxaNwtQW6VMYsz9aRvCXV4V65KInPCQ048Va18INH71OcwzgVhJrkPl58Nmpl3cPEtrPXT__p/s1600/ilovemyself-250x300.jpg" /></a></div>
Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.<br />
<br />
So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.<br />
<br />
He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.<br />
<br />
So how do you leave?<br />
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...<br />
<br />
I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.<br />
<br />
But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.<br />
<br />
Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-44296082036237877342015-09-14T15:25:00.001-04:002015-09-14T15:25:21.060-04:00One year of Freedom <div style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
<em><strong>“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear…”</strong></em></div>
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As I today celebrate my 1 year anniversary of freedom, “<em>Happy Independence day</em>” as my sister just texted me earlier, I think back to those days leading up to my exit and the days after. I am not sure which days and emotions were the worst to deal with: The fear and anxiety prior to leaving or the guilt about having left, fear of going back, and wondering how this is all going to go… but they were all swirls of black… yet I sometimes think I got out so “easy” compared to many others.</div>
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I am here to try to inspire you who are still in wishing to get out, with the truth behind the above quote “<em>everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear</em>”.</div>
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You want an understanding and loving husband/boy friend – he is out there. You want a life away from fear and walking on eggshells – close that door behind you. You want your children to grow up in a safe and loving environment – bring them with you. You want to be able to wear whatever you want when you go out – open up the closet. You want to engage in hobbies and interests because you love it - <span style="font-family: wingdings;">J</span> no one will stop you. You want to chit chat with your best friend into early morning giggling yourself to sleep – invite her over. You want a backside day where you eat dessert before dinner and wear PJs until 9PM – the kids will love it...</div>
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All of that and so much more is within reach as long as we are able to work through the guilt and fear. The guilt and fear are conditional feelings we have been taught to feel by our abusers. It is not how the real world looks outside of our own little reality. That reality when absolutely nothing is easy. Everything has a condition or a side effect. That is not life, that is life in prison under supervision. Your life will never really flourish when you are in that prison. It will always be dark, or have hints of darkness… Most people that try to stay will tell of this truth.</div>
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Being out has its struggles, yes, but we are talking about struggles that don’t have to end up in fear, anxiety, and guilt. Normal day-to-day struggles. “what color shoes should I wear today”, “oh shiit, I forgot to get milk and eggs yesterday” etc. It’s never about I think he might kill/harass/hit/ridicule me, or give me the silent treatment, or cheat, or… Life IS better on this side.</div>
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I was in a car crash about 5 months out and the effects of it was still better than living in abuse. Even if I felt lonely and miserable at times. I had one thing to my strength: I never missed him. I never missed him as he had broken me so badly. That kept me away even if I at one occasion post-leaving sat on our drive way when he was away thinking to myself that maybe we could work it out. Thankfully I left in panic, realizing what I was about to do, before he came home to find me there. The pull to go back wasn’t about him I realized then, it was about stability and knowing a little bit more about what every day looked like. Then, I realized that I was allowed to create that for myself. I was able to create a new stability and new routines.</div>
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I failed at taking care of myself for a long time. Living without a kitchen for 4 months I added the habit of eating out every day and night. That weight I put on and what it spiraled into with my health are still stuff I have to deal with today. But I am getting myself together and confident that I will lose those 30-40 lbs again. If I gained them I can lose them right?! <span style="font-family: wingdings;">J</span></div>
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People that know me have told me that I am like a new person. And despite my huge weight gain (to the point I am wearing yoga pants every day) everyone I meet say I look so beautiful and full of life. My aura, spirit, and smile is at a whole different level and people are calling me for a beautiful person inside and out. They love the way I look (even if I sometimes wondering if they are blind LOL) then I realize that it isn’t about the weight – it is something more than that. </div>
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I had to work HARD on that spirit. I have taken very many online classes, angel classes and meditation session to get myself back. I have learned that it is far more profitable to ask “why am I so beautiful and skinny?” than to say “why am I so fat and ugly?” --- because the Universe will show you exactly what you are asking about. I rather know why I am beautiful than why I am ugly <span style="font-family: wingdings;">J</span> Life becomes far more fun to live that way. I have also learned to say my gratitude out loud, even if they are not currently reality – yet “I am so, so grateful and thankful that I love to wake up early in the morning to exercise” (LOL) – It actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. People may call me crazy – but that is ok. I feel crazy-happy many times during the day. And that is far better then feeling like you are going crazy inside that abusive relationship. </div>
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Unfortunately I don't have that one magic word that will get those of you who feel a little stuck to get out of your seats to do something. But I promise you that despite your fear, anxiety and guilt you are feeling today - it won't feel like that on the other side but you will have to fight those feelings to get there. Tell yourself that your abuser put them there to keep you there. Like that ball and chain to your ankle. </div>
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Love and Blessings to all. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-90287412893924656492015-08-31T11:17:00.000-04:002015-08-31T11:17:47.218-04:00How any type of abuse is always physical. <div class="MsoNormal">
A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few
days ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on
me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically
hurt a woman. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman
along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to
fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is
completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that
this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning
arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting
arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image
now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had
already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments,
agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for
all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy
lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next
time they would bump into each other. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What about me? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him:
Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't
turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't
able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all
the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my
happy place. I was stuck. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is
trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I
don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it
happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a
woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… <span style="font-family: Wingdings;">L</span> <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat
me into pieces without even touching me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my
spirit I was also physically hurting. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart
ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-55348647900428617322015-08-21T12:04:00.000-04:002015-08-21T12:04:26.369-04:00Should you stay for the children?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyaZHlr__Acrh6OoSkBS25qp-XtwdBs9-vVfBo9CSzxrVmsTUsZGzdPj8z7loAkj6cfJR1pLhsRA6DxChjoL2ezqC4RXW23B7UrrkwzTd82adJowh-l8pTa61yCLSFWOij2PXP4vMV1ABs/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyaZHlr__Acrh6OoSkBS25qp-XtwdBs9-vVfBo9CSzxrVmsTUsZGzdPj8z7loAkj6cfJR1pLhsRA6DxChjoL2ezqC4RXW23B7UrrkwzTd82adJowh-l8pTa61yCLSFWOij2PXP4vMV1ABs/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few things has recently circulated in my head. A lot of it
has to do with children and people growing up with an abusive parent. (The
abusive person in my little thought-process is a man, the father)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Depending on how you were brought up, different values plays
a part in deciding if you are going to leave the relationship and split up the
family forever. Most people, religion or not, have this general idea that “you
should stay for the children”. I want to argue the opposite. You should leave
for the children! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone would probably agree that child abuse is a horrible
thing. Any aspect of the child abuse is horrible. It tears your heart apart and
you either can’t stop crying thinking about it or it’s so hard to think about
that you don’t, because it is simply not ok to treat children that way. Growing
up in a family where ones father abuse ones mother is also abuse. Call it
something different like indirect abuse or whatever you want – it is still
abuse. You are still living in an abusive environment. Children are extremely
wired to sense things. They know when things are not right, even if they never
see their father abuse their mother. They will sense the tensions and the fear.
It is inevitable. You can’t hide from the energies that an environment like
that creates. You just can’t. And you can’t protect your children from it
either no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love those kiddos.
You just can’t. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter the circumstances about how the children are witnessing
the abuse going on in the family, by sight, by ear, by touch, or by energy… it
will affect them negatively. Their core need for feeling safe and nurtured
might be compromised. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that it probably
doesn't create a stable growing environment, don’t you think? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You might speak up about wanting to leave the abuser to
someone, a friend or a family member. Most of those people would in one way or
another try to paint up a picture in their head. The perfect family picture.
Even if the picture doesn't exist except for in their own minds, it is there and
is very true to them. They will listen to your arguments to why you want to
leave – but they won’t understand. Because: <u>they will parallel your stories with
something similar they have experienced</u> and most people (thankfully) don’t have
to experience abuse. But because they haven’t they don’t understand. They don’t
see, hear, or feel your pain. In many cases they don’t want to and can't. They rather, for what seems to be pushing it under the rug and, keep pushing for the perfect family picture. None of
it make sense but to them it does. Because they don’t understand. To you
however, it makes you feel like the loneliest person in the world. That you
should just suck it up and deal with it. It can’t be <i>that </i>bad. It is all in your head. You just have to work harder. After all; must stay for the children! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxXdWsFJJDBgM5_BGaZw4RGNxYYQR8MjBtZiK4wjmQeioWM2VnEAltUT-GG37cyf0jZF6uhC88ZVskPB1o61PHJQEK92o9tChVxZn0waVMAw0cj_LGcZd6sDiGWuM4xWA3tsKpbkAjciaC/s1600/95689-92323.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxXdWsFJJDBgM5_BGaZw4RGNxYYQR8MjBtZiK4wjmQeioWM2VnEAltUT-GG37cyf0jZF6uhC88ZVskPB1o61PHJQEK92o9tChVxZn0waVMAw0cj_LGcZd6sDiGWuM4xWA3tsKpbkAjciaC/s320/95689-92323.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You push off the exit some more, and to no fault of your own,
your children will live in that abusive environment for a little longer
compromising their development just a little bit more. Because you are not only
now dealing with guilt from wanting to leave the abuser but from wanting to split
up the family! How dare you! Must stay for the children! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time goes by, you stay for the children. Your son grows up
learning by default how to treat a woman and partner. Your daughter grows up
learning by default how to be treated by a man and partner. Will that be their future truths and lives? Hard to say… BUT WHY RISK IT?!?!?!!!!! Why risk the chance
that your son will use his childhood as an excuse to abuse his children and/or wife?
Why risk the chance that your daughter will chose a husband that will treat her
just like your husband treated you? And why let society, religion, friends,
family, etc tell you what you SHOULD do? Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes
and ask them again what you should do! You are 100% entitled to YOUR own life.
You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. You are allowed to
feel safe. You are allowed to leave a relationship that cannot give it to you. Yes!
Every day you are allowed that. I promise. You deserve it. And your children
deserves it. And what child wouldn't want a happy mommy?! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The image of a perfect family should never override the true
reality of what that family is going through. Never ever. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leave for the children! <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-2110598232091445502015-07-29T13:37:00.000-04:002015-07-29T13:37:27.453-04:00When will a gift be just a gift? <i>I have never been a person that have to have a gift given to me on my special days. But when those days passes by without any acknowledgement at all it is hurtful. You hope every time that <b>this time</b> it will be different. You never stop hoping. However, it never happens... You will never be acknowledged the way you deserve. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Instead, you learn about all the ways you do not deserve to be treated a little extra on your special day and that you are selfish to think that you do.</i><br />
<br />
Now, when I am out of that situation... I still have a skewed view on gifts. I am still terrified of giving gifts because what if it is completely wrong and the person receiving it hates it and in turn will hate me for it?! (Trust me I know this is so stupid and that I should erase it but that is how the inner child in me is thinking/feeling). There is no logical reason to this connection besides for years of being treated so badly for giving gifts and for wanting gifts. Both were wrong.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqRgsDKYjAJwD0eytcwe55df05reJ34DmehbMkS0JvCNd7cKvrTbvseoR8_RJOjuhM86HRCq4EKocYub6kf4V5RPMW5mljKCYno8ONO0wMphaTDJYiSl_OhJqmN4mmpu08vSgN7eemPkER/s1600/Gift-Giving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqRgsDKYjAJwD0eytcwe55df05reJ34DmehbMkS0JvCNd7cKvrTbvseoR8_RJOjuhM86HRCq4EKocYub6kf4V5RPMW5mljKCYno8ONO0wMphaTDJYiSl_OhJqmN4mmpu08vSgN7eemPkER/s320/Gift-Giving.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Receiving gifts... oh boy. I may not always show it but when I do I will play the "<i>you really don't have to</i>" card... yet, inside I am crying like a baby. I am reacting very strongly to gifts just because I for so long believed I didn't deserve them.<br />
<br />
It's been almost a year and I am now "ok" with people paying for my dinner, drinks, and maybe a movie and flowers. I feel like I <b><i>could</i></b> "deserve" this... But people have given me more stuff, bigger stuff.. trips, money, electronics... and I still do not know how to thank for them. I say "thank you" but I somewhere ask myself what I now have to do in return... so that one day it won't come back to me with "<i>I gave you this and I got nothing</i>".<br />
<br />
My friends tell me that it is ok to get gifts. That people give gifts to those they want to and love to see a thankful and happy reaction - that the reaction is the returned favor in a sense. And I agree!!! But, I still don't understand why I deserve those gifts, those expensive gifts. Why do I deserve them?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-16869502650322956112015-07-27T11:06:00.000-04:002015-07-27T11:06:06.913-04:00Summer back side<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I rather be alone wishing I was with someone,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>than with someone wishing I was alone... </i></div>
<br />
I think I have been going through a lot of this lately. Feeling lonely... I try to snap myself out of it by reminding myself where I was a year ago. But in essence it is not that easy. Loneliness comes when it wants to come and it doesn't matter what last year looked like.<br />
<br />
You would think, that since I rarely get invitations to do stuff these days as my friend circle is tiny where I live, I would jump at any excuse to hang out and socialize - because I LOVE that! But in a depressive state of mind - as my loneliness resembles - I can come up with far more reasons not to go.<br />
<br />
Then, every day life feels so heavy these days too (probably also because of the darn depressive state of mind). Work sucks much of my spirit away from me currently that I have very little energy left for when I am not working. Resting and sleeping becomes very important to me when I get a chance. So the balance of resting and hanging out is a struggle for me... And it probably sounds pathetic.. but that's where I am... Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-39195315161966989662015-06-08T16:16:00.000-04:002015-06-08T16:16:44.907-04:00Your parents are divorcing... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK1l67CVc16PTLID6S-pGQ9GBhROuPutMIAZ_ZElEakqI3vmYeVNUCbBLEhlbd5n6q4b_VxbIV2wEIDNNE112xOmg4kZiVYkceImRTT66t7WgMIAkkJTkshXzovvbYQ9dTagqpnqBfWgw-/s1600/o-DIVORCE-KIDS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK1l67CVc16PTLID6S-pGQ9GBhROuPutMIAZ_ZElEakqI3vmYeVNUCbBLEhlbd5n6q4b_VxbIV2wEIDNNE112xOmg4kZiVYkceImRTT66t7WgMIAkkJTkshXzovvbYQ9dTagqpnqBfWgw-/s320/o-DIVORCE-KIDS.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
...Your mom left your dad and your whole family was broken up. Your childhood home was sold and you had to split your holidays between the two. You and your siblings are all out of the house as young adults tackling the real life. The way you see it, is that your mom was selfish to do such a thing to the family. And, your dad is still upset about it all, even if he might have found someone else... </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You feel that whatever your mom tells you about the situation on why she left are lame and still very selfish and you have stopped to even listen. In fact you rather not talk to her at all unless it is via texts every now and then. Seeing her is almost too painful. Seeing her happy and moving on with her life is like a slap in the face for what <i>you </i>had to go through with them getting a divorce. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You feel that your dad needs your support still since he is taking this whole thing so hard. He is telling you how much your mom hurt him by leaving and that he never deserved this. You believe him. You believe him because you too got hurt by her leaving. His truth becomes your truth. Your dad starts to feed you things that you didn't know about your mother growing up. He shares secrets that your mom has always been selfish, that she never really cared, and that she always seemed to be out to hurt him by lies, all with associated stories to back up his points... It all kind of lines up with what you are feeling about the whole thing.. You believe everything he is saying, how could you not - they guy is almost crying when he is telling you this. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Your distant to your mother grows and you feel it in yourself that you could never really see or understand why she did what she did. And in fact you don't care besides for that she hurt you all so deeply. Your trust and maybe even love for her seems to drift further and further away. And the resentment you feel grows bigger. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
...Then, one day, maybe it is years later... something happens. Maybe it is a thought, an event, a story... It is something that triggers something that has been deeply buried. You start to realize little by little that the nonsense your mom was telling you on why she left becomes a little bit more understandable, a little bit more true. You start to realized that maybe she <i>was </i>telling the truth. Maybe she was put in a situation where she had no choice, that if she would have stayed she would have diminished as a person. You start to remember the controlling things your father used to do to her and that she never really seemed to have any life outside of the home. You wonder if she was even allowed now when you think about it. Did she even have hobbies? He was controlling her? <i>"My own father I have been protecting was being mentally abusive to my own mother? And I took his side??"</i> you ask yourself. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Wow! what an emotional roller coaster filled with guilt. What the heck do you do now? If it is not too late... (and I mean that if she is dead) reach out to her. She is waiting... She will forever be waiting for her child to come back... She will never punish you for what happened - remember she was not the one that was controlling and abusive. She will forgive you and she will embrace you. Because she really knows no other way - that is why she stayed with your father for as long as she did in the first place... </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>This post is dedicated to those women who has been abused by their husbands, gotten safely away from the situation and now have their children turned against them, siding with the abuser... </i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-33670475701622154982015-05-27T15:52:00.001-04:002015-05-27T15:52:34.127-04:00We are the Heroes of our time<div style="text-align: center;">When Sweden's Måns Zelmerlöv won the 2015 edition of Eurovision song contest last Saturday with the song Heroes - chills were running through my heart. It is so beautiful... just listen to it...</div><div style="text-align: center;">(and if you are like me and can listen to this over and over watch the live performance too)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-nbq6Ur103Q" width="480"></iframe></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-36718354693943277232015-05-27T11:09:00.000-04:002015-05-27T11:09:04.940-04:00hug me please... I am trying to figure out a balance.<br />
I love the freedom I have now but I can't really stand being lonely.<br />
There is something missing.<br />
<br />
I don't want to let go of this freedom I have but I could use some company. <br />
Company means compromise, if ever so slightly.<br />
But company also means love, care, compassion, strength, support, and friendship.<br />
Am I ready to give and receive all that?<br />
<br />
So many feelings and so many thoughts...<br />
So many roads to pick from and so many options...<br />
<br />
I am not used to it.<br />
Maybe I can just let time work its magic?!<br />
<br />
All I know is that I wish I didn't feel so lonely at times.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-31139960272133092582015-04-28T13:46:00.000-04:002015-04-28T13:46:07.878-04:00Me without You<div style="text-align: center;">
Giving this a try... if you haven't read the romantic versions this won't seem too interesting but I figure I would put a little twist on the original cuteness of <b><i>Me Without You</i></b>... </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoX0Khu-fNC5owIMAjktpZjamdb2UjqwAXVWl7iea2J4AlNLm3cH4DA2gZru5C9bYayL_9COZb4vlFuAT-hombZZ2BKbbZyTa8D3IXrkraR7qwPepnfii7ZwyjJUFBlsFVh8N6OQuoVdD/s1600/mewithoutyou.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoX0Khu-fNC5owIMAjktpZjamdb2UjqwAXVWl7iea2J4AlNLm3cH4DA2gZru5C9bYayL_9COZb4vlFuAT-hombZZ2BKbbZyTa8D3IXrkraR7qwPepnfii7ZwyjJUFBlsFVh8N6OQuoVdD/s1600/mewithoutyou.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Me without You... </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is like a peaceful nap without interruption. </div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a government without corruption.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is like a sun kissed skin without the burn, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a happy vacation without return. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A drink without the tab, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a hug without a grab. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A summer night without mosquitoes, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a romantic dinner without orange Doritos. </div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is like wearing sexy high heels without the feet getting sore, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and cuddling with someone who isn't asking for more. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is like eating unlimited amount of chocolate without the risk of getting fat, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and having a stomach that is flat. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is like a rainbow without the rain, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and a trip back home without having to be on an expensive plane. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It is like a beautiful evening under the moon and the stars</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and getting a plastic surgery without any revealing scars... </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I admit... </div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Me without You, </div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>is</b></i> ME... </div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-91528085600184054852015-04-08T11:05:00.000-04:002015-04-08T11:08:11.024-04:00All you need is love... <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><i><b>Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it
motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in
the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us
trapped... </b></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But I love him so
much</i>” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving
the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was
to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love
in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love<u>
finally</u> ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love –
it was fear – mistaken as love. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblbXwOOM9jTY6AZhC6pET7sdpi-g3knPGfMkgvLGXns7piE8SXriR7As3WU92Qk9o0WHW0jFl5X9yEIVkKTexgJ7UmfvzRz6ZzWxa4porAWyJG1gQxEBGxjs1RYkTPpN3Vb6DbUM9-Z-O/s1600/love-ASL.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblbXwOOM9jTY6AZhC6pET7sdpi-g3knPGfMkgvLGXns7piE8SXriR7As3WU92Qk9o0WHW0jFl5X9yEIVkKTexgJ7UmfvzRz6ZzWxa4porAWyJG1gQxEBGxjs1RYkTPpN3Vb6DbUM9-Z-O/s1600/love-ASL.JPG" height="320" width="269" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of
always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the
abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships,
were a woman thinks she loves him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for
ways to love <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better </i>and I learned
about the theory of the <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/">5 Love
Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman</a>. I truly believe these languages are true for
most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul
mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t
right today. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>The five languages of love are</b></u>: Words of Affirmation, Acts
of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they
are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser
can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love
instead. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Words of Affirmation</b></i>
– <i>“I appreciate you because…”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This language uses words to affirm other
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Specific statements of why you
feel a certain way about another person will be remembered. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: purple;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Verbal
abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person.
And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad
and horrible they are all the time. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Acts of Service</b> –
“Let me do that for you”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help
them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking
dinner. <span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Instead of a helping out</span> <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">an abuser would never lift a finger to help
with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they
can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Receiving Gifts</b> –
“I have been planning this gift for you for weeks”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For some people, what makes
them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that
you care and thought about them. <span style="color: purple;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">For an
abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or
holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting
something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be
grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Quality Time</b> – “I
am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This language is all
about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the
matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. <span style="color: purple;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The opposite of this would be the dreaded
silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they
will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much
they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want
to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Physical Touch</b> – “Let
me hold you until you fall asleep”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply
than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding
hands, cuddling… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">With an abuser this can
get ugly. <span style="color: purple;">You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or
maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are
horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs
deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for
other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you
put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to
get you back…. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and
Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how
horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry
profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were
ok again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For someone else the opening could be physical violence and
a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming
home to a three course meal with candles… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us
trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-36912050589669583182015-03-03T21:15:00.001-05:002015-03-03T21:15:42.041-05:00The three yellow carsWhen I am down, God throws me a little joke. It is funny - silly, playful, funny. I can only explain it with that God is kind of telling me "<i>relax, you are OK - I got your back"</i>. And he does it in the way that I can't do anything else but to smile. <br />
<br />
Today it happened, again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh_NiAz72k19RdZyokNUGrbek6mAjCwe-3066yTjFWY9qiGB0lwEsXj4qV1jai5d-2mXSJnaNDAs3iilLP02PJGLmAc8AY006OxQF9q4BaHZhoxGdSbzLNvVyuYNJUxaQMZ5q6umFvB_Eh/s1600/yellowcar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh_NiAz72k19RdZyokNUGrbek6mAjCwe-3066yTjFWY9qiGB0lwEsXj4qV1jai5d-2mXSJnaNDAs3iilLP02PJGLmAc8AY006OxQF9q4BaHZhoxGdSbzLNvVyuYNJUxaQMZ5q6umFvB_Eh/s1600/yellowcar.jpg" /></a></div>
God shows me three yellow cars within minutes. It is always three, like the Divine Trinity: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - or as I like to see it: The spiritual, the mental and the physical (in my world). And it is always yellow - like the color of gold that is the color of the Divine.<br />
<br />
Today driving to work for a meeting a yellow car drives by me, then an orange car, then a school buss. I laugh out loud and said: <i>"that was not three YELLOW cars, that was only one"</i>. Sitting by the light only a few seconds later, waiting for it to turn green, the second yellow car drives by. I smile and I said <i>"ok, you got two! I am not counting that orange car..." </i><br />
<br />
I pulled into Starbucks not even a minute later, sure I was going to see a third soon. And yes! behind me in the drive-through line a yellow car pulls up. And I felt a smile not only on my face but in my heart. God was once again telling me that I should not worry because he has my back.<br />
<br />
I know this may sound so silly - but to me it is so clear.<br />
And the beauty is that I chose to believe :) <br />
Well, I not only believe - I know! Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-45347959145059850822015-03-01T18:42:00.000-05:002015-03-01T18:42:11.531-05:00a beautiful surprise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX4q8HssLlSL_w4i4dAwB9S_XEcshttwW8CqsVCj-RMeYPv-2Br4pWFmtgaO-z657vS4KaLratM2yN4RdKlzPEpEiIp3AN1kjE2qobVlr_iSiBePaEsqkmyBMjdE99X7kc4BCNw-FvX3WW/s1600/safe_in_his_arms_tn-334847.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX4q8HssLlSL_w4i4dAwB9S_XEcshttwW8CqsVCj-RMeYPv-2Br4pWFmtgaO-z657vS4KaLratM2yN4RdKlzPEpEiIp3AN1kjE2qobVlr_iSiBePaEsqkmyBMjdE99X7kc4BCNw-FvX3WW/s1600/safe_in_his_arms_tn-334847.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
In pain to the point where I really just wanted to hide under the blanket I went to see him anyway. The need for company and the longing of his arms around me was far greater then the pain I felt. After I walked in to his place and as soon as I had kicked off my shoes I went over to him as he sat in the sofa to give him a kiss. I found myself reaching for a hug and he guided me on to his lap. Instantly my whole being took a big sigh of relief. I felt so safe and so complete in that moment in his arms. It took me by a beautiful surprise... <br />
<br />
When I looked up on his face a few moments later, I cannot tell how long because the moment stood still, I saw that he, too, had his eyes closed and had embraced the moment completely. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>I know I haven't mention this person here ever but he is in my life and in my heart and have been for a few months. I don't know what the future will bring for us but I am excited to find out. </i></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-50541849449645818262015-02-27T00:55:00.000-05:002015-02-27T00:55:31.641-05:00I am ok, thank you for asking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxRFx7yXq11jkjw7Qix2Gv4Z1cymLgHdROLZpMv-x7ObA8hD-CcOcyDNwoh_jmGItrrqhWnuJGjFGABWPFG6lw7DY3lz_Kfmlf7uFvHrdoegxqI_W26TR9rg5gMAxIMAg1KPxrXMFcSyw1/s1600/Vulnerable.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxRFx7yXq11jkjw7Qix2Gv4Z1cymLgHdROLZpMv-x7ObA8hD-CcOcyDNwoh_jmGItrrqhWnuJGjFGABWPFG6lw7DY3lz_Kfmlf7uFvHrdoegxqI_W26TR9rg5gMAxIMAg1KPxrXMFcSyw1/s1600/Vulnerable.jpg" height="219" width="320" /></a></div>
Vulnerability. Beautiful and scary at the same time. It can be beautiful if you allow it to be, but most often it is scary because you just have to let go. Give in. Let it take over. But once you do, let go of that sense of control it most often will be beautiful... and scary... <br />
<br />
I think during the past week I, in my silence, saw the peak of my vulnerability. I was in a car accident that could have ended much worse than it did. It still have me sitting here with a very stiff and sore back, neck and body along with having a concussion that is pretty much in control of my life at the moment. But I am alive. It happened on a snowy highway driving to get my hair done. Now I not only have these pains I also never got my hair done and my car is no more.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
On the outside I paint up this picture to be this strong woman...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I am ok ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I will be just fine ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I am thankful to be alive ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ Oh, it is nothing, don't worry ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I can do this ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I will manage ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I can juggle (read ignore) this concussion while also working ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I am in control ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I am strong ~</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ I am lucky ~</i></div>
<br />
It is all a lie... I feel none of these things in this moment. I feel lonely. I feel naked. I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone, even myself... I cannot ask for help because I don't know what to ask for. And if I in an instant think of something to ask for; I quickly kick it off my mind and convince myself I can deal with it on my own - It all happens automatically without me even realizing it. <br />
<br />
This is the moment we need people that not only say "let me know if I can help you in any way" but the people that actually <i>do</i> without even asking. Because the truth is - I still don't know what to ask for because I don't even know what I need. The people that <i>do </i>can't do anything wrong in a situation like that. Anything and Everything will be appreciated. <br />
<br />
I hope that I someday become a <i>doer </i>for someone else. And maybe along the process I can make my vulnerability into something beautiful because right now - all it is, is scary. And I am living in a lie by not allowing it to come out... <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-66193143193188337562015-02-27T00:18:00.002-05:002015-02-27T00:18:43.293-05:00Back to being meToday I can officially change my name back to my maiden name! It came like a gift in the mailbox (that I paid for and had "ordered" but still...)<br />
<br />
What a step. I will no longer be "attached" to Thunderstorm by name. I can't wait to actually get my new Social Security card, drivers license and everything else updates. I cannot wait. :) - even if I kind of have to wait due to a small incident that have me a little off. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-48308792005253888032015-02-17T14:29:00.001-05:002015-02-27T00:11:45.143-05:00A word from a dating expertOne of my new-found favorite business men: Matthew Hussey just sent "me" an email saying "Are you dating a narcissist?" So, let me share his words with you too as they are very valid in the dating world... <br />
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<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Does he like me?</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> <br />
</span><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Why
didn’t he call?</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> <br />
</span><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Should
I text him first?</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><br />
<div style="color: null; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">How can I get him to
commit?</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">No matter
what city or country I’m in on my live tour, no matter how many emails are in
my inbox, I can guarantee that I’ll be asked these common questions (multiple
times). </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">But just
as I was starting to think I could read your mind, a surprising question
started popping up again and again recently:</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Am I
dating a Narcissist?</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Whoa. </span><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">“What
do guys mean by ‘I need space?’”</span></i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> – THAT I’m used to answering. But “does my boyfriend have a major
personality disorder?” THIS was going to take some research…</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">I put my
brother Stephen to the task of tackling this tough topic and he’s composed a
checklist of 11 (sometimes subtle) traits that can help you determine whether
your guy qualifies as a Narcissist, so you can get out before you get in too
deep.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Here’s
Stephen…</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">*
* * *
* * *
* * *
* *</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Narcissists
fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Many
disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists,
sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Whether
in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own
talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in
professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness.</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">It
doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Narcissists
can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please. Sounds
too good to be true, right?</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Here’s
the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to
notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other
people)!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">What will
likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together,
takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and
treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and
human generosity that he doesn’t show. You might not even be able to put your
finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved,
will tell you everything you want to hear.</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">11
Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">How do
you spot these creatures then? The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just
one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds: </span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><br />
<div style="color: null; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He does
most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like
a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely
sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be
their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly
devotional as a Justin Bieber fan. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Selfishness with giving praise.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He
rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of
your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and
will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Every story you tell becomes a story about him.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">You’re in
the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you
know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow
every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly,
yours just isn’t that interesting to him. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Envy.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He is
insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their
success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he
is.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> <br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Lack of curiosity about you.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Your
inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never
truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask
superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Takes credit, avoids blame.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He takes
credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful
at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how
others played no role in his successes. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you
“have issues”.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He
assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy
and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you
for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting
pressure on him. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Ignores your plans.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Your
dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His
dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily
obsession. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great
guy’.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He only
does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him
look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and
fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens
this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> <br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Won’t assist with your projects.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">If your
path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of
superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your
meager projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination? </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />
<br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">
• Unable to apologize.</span></b><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He just
cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way
to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way
to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and
attack your character as a means to defend himself. </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">I know
nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism
lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly. But stack enough of these
behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later
leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just
won’t get. </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">He’ll say
all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will. That’s because he’s
seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t
match what he sees in the mirror.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">And the
mirror always comes first. </span></span><span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">(Back
to Matthew…)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">*
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><You> belong with a man who will cherish you, love you, and put you first in his
life.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"> <br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Whether
you’ve been wasting your time on a bona fide Narcissist, or simply not getting
your needs met by a guy who’s not living up to your standards, you deserve
better.</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"> </span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-61066083066260837902015-02-13T14:11:00.003-05:002015-02-13T14:11:43.199-05:00Valentine's Day <br />
What a hope-filled day for some, excited for others, and a shear pain for many.<br />
I have never been celebrated on Valentine's Day, instead I have been told: <i>"Valentine's Day is overrated", "It is just a trick to sell cards, flowers, and candy", and "I love you every day why do I have to do something on Valentine's Day" </i><br />
<br />
As true as those statements all are and I am sure most of you have heard or even said them before... As a girl with a romantic heart that probably belong in the Disney movies - or perhaps the Hallmark Channel - I kind of want to be at least acknowledged in some way on Valentine's Day. Something different. Something.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhD9WZIoBV9-yVM6Gcoucg-BpKZNMpkKbamtMOIj9tpK1PwJGKkEGiSfi7GXOCU22yK3wpd6TyOXgGNJ_SeFVl1Dm3bWJ5gm2Pw3ihZIUeFI_m4ZZyefBkJ4aoTc_m5ZvaoqqASpA9M0h/s1600/redandpinkroses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlhD9WZIoBV9-yVM6Gcoucg-BpKZNMpkKbamtMOIj9tpK1PwJGKkEGiSfi7GXOCU22yK3wpd6TyOXgGNJ_SeFVl1Dm3bWJ5gm2Pw3ihZIUeFI_m4ZZyefBkJ4aoTc_m5ZvaoqqASpA9M0h/s1600/redandpinkroses.jpg" height="238" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
What I really want is a bouquet of pink and red roses and a card - my physical need is shouting. ...and then I think... If I had received signs of love throughout the year(s) then maybe I wouldn't have this desire to get flowers and a card on Valentine's Day, because then, maybe I would too, say that Valentine's Day is overrated! That you don't need one day a year to make you feel acknowledged, because every day in your relationship makes you feel acknowledged and loved.<br />
<br />
THAT is what I want - not flowers on Valentine's Day, but - to feel loved, appreciated, and acknowledged every day!<br />
<br />
Side point: Cause how much would those roses mean to me if they were sitting here in front of me if they were given to me by a stranger on the street, a person from work, or an old lover perhaps?? - Probably not what I wanted when I first said it above, because what I want doesn't rest in the roses... it is the love behind it and the love I give back by receiving it... It is resting in the love-transactions before the roses even existed. <br />
<br />
But I still adore red and pink roses together. :) <br />
<br />
<b><i>Love to you on Valentine's Day and every other day. </i></b><br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-10805651511263204852015-01-29T13:22:00.000-05:002015-01-29T13:23:32.684-05:00Be assertive<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7N4rHcwus5PNJM2zCUZKWjrW8nmmKZGbTmcVvboLkzLrMewQLhP2EEOazIxcVwnu-OZFXd9MtZ_MJpS3YtkuKZy-4-ZEb4bfhtH0k9UECjcPAr8rYCt7kbsJRVxZIJJP0VET0Aua2dmtZ/s1600/assertive-me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7N4rHcwus5PNJM2zCUZKWjrW8nmmKZGbTmcVvboLkzLrMewQLhP2EEOazIxcVwnu-OZFXd9MtZ_MJpS3YtkuKZy-4-ZEb4bfhtH0k9UECjcPAr8rYCt7kbsJRVxZIJJP0VET0Aua2dmtZ/s1600/assertive-me.jpg" /></a>As one of my old self's biggest personality traits faded away during my marriage I am now tying to pick up the pieces and reclaim my own will. This is easy in my new home and when I am alone. I can paint whatever color I want on the walls and I can eat whatever I want for dinner. But when you mix in other people my assertiveness is out the door.<br />
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<i>"Oh you pick.. whatever you want"</i><br />
<i>"I don't care we can watch the movie you want to see"</i><br />
<i>"Where do you want to eat, I can always find something I like at any place so I am ok"</i><br />
<i>"You tell me what time works best for you and I'll adapt my plans around it"</i><br />
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Those are just examples of what I will tell people and think. Yes, they are not important "stuff" to take a stand on, but if I can't do it when it does not really matter, how am I suppose to do it when it does matter? I have a homework assignment - to be assertive. Start with the little things. Make decisions, suggest stuff and share my thoughts when I do not fully agree...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggkzFby4f2e5-ZI-zaflHQxjXEYLZzvyBfgsAy186pTP5tP-W3itkLmAYV8D4bTsJZ_OQHo7ijJpLgO0RzNaHuxeq05g_-b2JjLuJUhiesAqxC9ON4tyCXvODakJspxaTOeUYWDAfHxeRA/s1600/beassertive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggkzFby4f2e5-ZI-zaflHQxjXEYLZzvyBfgsAy186pTP5tP-W3itkLmAYV8D4bTsJZ_OQHo7ijJpLgO0RzNaHuxeq05g_-b2JjLuJUhiesAqxC9ON4tyCXvODakJspxaTOeUYWDAfHxeRA/s1600/beassertive.jpg" /></a></div>
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Sounds easy right?!<br />
Not for me! You see in my twisted mind I will automatically act as if you are going to judge me and never want to speak to me again (or something along those lines) if I want to watch a different movie than you, if I want to eat something different for dinner, or if I like a color that you don't like... It sounds really absurd but those little stupid things really have me watch what I say, do, think, and act. Deep down I know that you will never dislike me because I rather have pasta than steak for dinner - because I would never dislike you for it. Yet, I haven't been able to shake that insecurity inside of me. It is like a little parasite living off of me, chewing away with joy. <br />
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I know part of this comes with confidence, but the catch 22 is that I can't practice my confidence if I don't practice my assertiveness. So here we are... It's time for me to B E A S S E R T I V E. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh0lEVdpaLOAwJwvA85VIM5ugut3UJ8yXS1NPIrU6UWT9L8zajWkrsGkUBAoUqqwCzxkw1hbWCaPyyEQc7wxSxnFkQhzt1BFjlpOpl9lcSs9k5AW4aeOjqxfsQtRNke8p5v1P7vXGn2SNA/s1600/assertive1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh0lEVdpaLOAwJwvA85VIM5ugut3UJ8yXS1NPIrU6UWT9L8zajWkrsGkUBAoUqqwCzxkw1hbWCaPyyEQc7wxSxnFkQhzt1BFjlpOpl9lcSs9k5AW4aeOjqxfsQtRNke8p5v1P7vXGn2SNA/s1600/assertive1.jpg" height="133" width="320" /></a></div>
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And today this reading came to me (fit perfectly as always): </div>
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<i>"The Lord says to me, My grace is enough for you; </i></div>
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<i>for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in weakness.</i><br />
<i>Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses an infirmities, </i></div>
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<i>that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!" </i></div>
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- 2 Corinthians 12:9</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-69680644290475263162015-01-18T22:05:00.000-05:002015-01-18T22:05:04.471-05:00Single?Will I even be single again? Or do I for all future have to check the box "divorced"? Is there a rule to this? I don't want to be "divorced" I want to be "single".<br />
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The word "divorce" has such a bad connotation. Failure, baggage, blah blah blah.. The word "single" however seems to bring thoughts of being free, happy and beautiful - but maybe my view on things has been colored by my marriage. Yeah, it probably has... lol <br />
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But the question still remains - will I ever be "single" again? Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1964589363743693379.post-64550063518789790642015-01-08T17:24:00.000-05:002015-01-08T17:24:08.257-05:00Post MediationIt went just as expected...<br />
I was bullied on every aspect... and just like I would forget the verbal abuse while we were together I am now forgetting what he said to me yesterday. Go figure. <br />
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But...I am moving into my own apartment on Saturday; something I can't wait to do! I stopped by today to take a look at it. It will be a good place for me! Lot's of light and a very peaceful view. That place was given to me by God... "<i>these end units are NEVER available</i>" the lady at the property management office say every time I talk with her. About a month ago I told Thunderstorm about my plans of moving this weekend over an email and he knew about some of the stuff that I wanted from the house.<br />
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Well the time is here and he is not refusing me to get access to the house to pick the stuff up. If he is there he states that he is <i>"afraid that you will call the cops telling them I hit you"</i>. If he is not there he states that he is "<i>afraid that I will steal some of his stuff"</i>... So now he will pack up my belongings - or what he considers mine and leave them outside for me to pick up on Saturday at 10 am sharp. He will not be there. He says he will not be there... Let's pray he will not be there. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344693773651502213noreply@blogger.com1