Monday, September 23, 2013

Sometimes you get what you need

- "That is why I never want to have kids" he says pointing at the dog who just peed on the floor because he was so scared.

The words felt like multiple knives stabbing me from within. I have heard those words so many times but it will never get easier. Probably the opposite as time goes by and my biological clock starts to beep even louder... It is somehow easier to deal with not becoming a mother, ever, when it does not get reinforced almost every day. Without the reinforcement the torture does not become so evident. You can walk thru the day without really realizing you just lost another day to try to become a mother. Ignorance is blizz...

But I don't have that luxury. I get reminded more time than I need to that my heart aches to have a child but I never will... Not because I cannot get pregnant, but because he does not want me to get pregnant. Every little chance there is to bullet proof his plan, I get reminded.

At this point I am is even too scared to tell him how I feel about it. It is wrong you might think, but you are not walking in my shoes...

When we got married a few years ago, he had already made it clear that he did not want to have any children. So I knew. But I also knew that he had said that he never wanted to get married, or settle down... but here we were married and settled down. So I will never stop hoping that he might change his mind on this too. I also, however, promised myself that I would never ask him to reconsider. Stupid maybe... and maybe I will one day.

A second thought after the first heartache is off course the question of if I want to have children with someone who absolutely does not... What good would it do unless the baby grabs a hold of his heart and never let go... then maybe it would be worth it. But if that does not happen... then what? I think you would feel so alone... and probably helpless.

But in the end God has a purpose and I believe in His purpose. I am willing to sacrifice myself to walk the path God has made for me because sometimes God does not give you want you want, but what you need. Thankfully the faith I have recently gained for God has kept me pretty strong and it forever will. Just a year ago I would crinch at the thought of talking about God and the Bible. Not anymore and for that I am so grateful. It is way more peaceful this way.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

A first glimse

I am Lili Rose,
I am a real person and my story is a real story

I try to laugh every day. I try to give people around me a smile when I look into their eyes no matter if I know them or not. I guess I am also a little bit flirty even though my skills have been surpressed for a while it feels like.
Not many knows about the darkness that I feel inside. I even try to hide it from myself. At least a little bit just to be able to manage.

I am in my 30's and I still have many dreams about my future. What I want to do and all this love that I want to share with people. However my dreams seems to have a dark cloud over them. They don't match with the future dreams of His..

He is my husband. We still say the "I Love you" to each other, but what is love? Really? I feel that I have forgotten. We live in a house. We have a dog. We do have sex, every now and then at least. We try to eat healthy at least when I am on a health kick. We go to the gym, not together though, that is a disaster. I work and he works.

My dream is to make a difference in people's lives. But right now I am even afraid to share the love and compassion I have for my own family as he seems to make me feel it is wrong. I am afraid.

... this is my outlet - I want to share my story.