Sunday, December 21, 2014

Just a nightmare

Last night was the first night I had a nightmare about Thunderstorm... It was one of those dreams that felt so real and one that I will remember for a while.

It was time for the Christmas party I help arrange for work. It was a black tie event so every woman wore a wonderful dress, mine was blue; royal blue, long, and made me feel absolutely beautiful. Everyone at work was allowed to bring a guest and I had a guest. A wonderful friend, a handsome man. He was wearing a black suite with a pink shirt and he wore it like someone that knows fashion! (aka not over-sized or whatever else I see all the time that makes a man in a suite not look as attractive as he should).

I walked in to the ballroom together with the team who had helped arrange the party and their guests. My guest, walked a little bit behind carrying my glass of wine. I looked around in the ballroom as I walked in and I see him. He sits on a spot where someone else were suppose to be sitting. He looked at me with eyes cold as the devil.

I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to kill everyone who cared for me. He wanted to kill everyone who was my friend and leave me all alone... I turned around and told my guest to get as far away from me as possible and pretend not to know me. Panic started to grow inside of me as I was trying to alarm the others in the team...

"911" I whispered to the team. "He is here"...

I was desperately trying to figure out how to get everyone out of there before he could do what he was there to do. Kill people, then kill himself so he wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions. I knew it wouldn't be enough time to call the cops and if we did he would have done even more damage.

...Then I woke up... almost shaking. 

Friday, December 19, 2014


It is the one wish I have. 
For me and everyone else
I want to love and to be loved in return.
There is no greater wish. 

 Am I asking too much? 
Do I have to settle for someone that I like? 
Do I have to settle for someone that claim to love me but I not them? 

No. I do not. 
And I will not.

I rather spend the rest of my life looking for the right one... 
...than settle with the wrong one.
No, not if you have lived my life... 

When you feel good thinking about him.
When you can't imagine yourself with anyone else but him.
When everyone else fade in comparison.
When you are within reach of him yet want to be closer.
When you feel completely calm and relaxed when he is there.
When  you could care less if you sleep or not as long as he is there.
When you have nothing to hide.
When you don't want to hide anything.
When holding his hand is like holding his heart.
When kissing him is like giving your soul to him.
When the moment you lay your eyes on him you know he is the one.
When telling him you love him does not feel like strong enough words to use.

He is out there...

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Pay it forward

It has been three months since my escape from a life of abuse now. The changes I have seen in myself are growing daily. It is hard to understand that I was stuck in that life for so long. It is painful to know that I was stuck in that life for so long. Just imagine what else I could have done with my life... I feel truly robbed!

First I was robbed of my youth by severe side effects thanks to taking birth control pills, then this...

I'll be 35 in a few weeks. I guess it does leaves a lot of life still to be taken in and for that I am grateful. I am not holding grudges but I have lost a few of my years when I was trying to dedicate my life trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. At least that is how I feel when I think about it.

I have now reached out to the local women's support center and will start working with them next year with giving speeches at events to promote awareness of abuse. I look forward to this. I know I can help doing that. Because the biggest thing with abuse is really the fact that so many of us don't realize we are getting abused... To be the one to wake someone up from their fog will be empowering. Even if there will only be one... To tell a story so that an outsider will see it for what it truly is and raise the flag...

Monday, December 15, 2014

I must fly

I picture myself standing on the edge of something. 

There is one step left to feel Love, Acceptance, Understanding, Trust etc... 
I am so ready to take that step and to Fly. 
I. Want. To. Fly. 
So badly.

But, the fear that something will grab me and drag me down so I can not fly make me stand there on the edge creating a mixture of feelings of love, acceptance, understanding, trust etc with fear of not being enough to be loved, not being perfect enough to be accepted, not being understood, not being worthy of trust... 

Words and actions that have been thrown in my face for so long hold me back. 
They hold me back on that edge. Anchoring my feet so I cannot take that final step and just fly... 

Instead I prepare myself for never being able to fly.

No matter how true that reality is the best way to really describe it is the word "symptoms". They are just symptoms of what has happened to me. Not symptoms of what is happening to me. The reason I cannot fly is not present. It is in the past. The present has brought me to that edge in the first place. Offered me that leap of faith to fly. 

I am here... All I must do is just fly.    

Monday, December 1, 2014

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.
L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.


Chosen by God for this new life of love, 
I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 
compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 
I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 
I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 
And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 
It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 
I never want to be without it. 



Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Giving thanks

Tonight in church I will stand up and verbally share this note of gratefulness that I have been working on over the past few days. I wrote it in a way so that the people that know what my struggles have been like will understand and for those who have their own struggles will be able to relate in a way. It is not the time and place to share the details of my story, just the gratefulness of how I am standing here giving thanks...


Through the many years of darkness in my life You planted a seed in my heart. 
You whispered gently to me to not give up. 
You, in Your own magical ways told me You Loved me just the way I am, as I am. 
The seed You planted in my heart started to sprout earlier this year and day by day the flower of Love keeps growing bigger, stronger and more colorful. 

God, thank You for the Love you have brought to me through every soul that dared to hold my hand and be here for me. 
God, thank You for the fire of courage you lit inside of me and for the light of hope you held in front of me to help me step out of the darkness. 
God, thank You for the exciting future you have in store for me.   


Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Righteousness and Peace kiss each other

Since it is Thanksgiving week right now I figured I would share something on the lighter side. I am a Pinterest fan! (ok that was not what I wanted to share - but the story starts here...) I go on Pinterest on a regular basis, some weeks multiple times a day - you know waking up, bathroom breaks, going to bed, when you are slightly bored, when an idea just hits your head and you cannot let it go until you have done at least some investigation... etc. You get the point.

So, in the middle of all the darkness I have been through over the past years. Close to 8 years to be exact... I was also held up by some crazy force that kept telling me to fight! It told me to even if I locked it away, to not forget whom I was. Ever. So I did. I locked myself up but I didn't forget her. And finally she is starting to come out... humbly and careful but she is on her way out... And she is a force of LOVE.

I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge on Pinterest over the weekend and when I did my soul just smiled! It was exactly what I needed to do... (I added my own part to it too but still).

I encourage you to do the same, no matter where you are in your life because if you start to look at things in a different light (perhaps) things will start to change for the better. You know, it is the law of attraction - positivity attracts positivity.. love attracts love... happiness attracts happiness...

Sorry, I am babbling. Here is the 30 day challenge:

DAY 1 
Name and write down three new things you are grateful for when you wake up. 
Continue for 29 more days.
[waking up focusing on the positive can be a great start of your day as positivity feeds positivity]  

My own addition: Write down one of your most significant prayer for the day.
[remembering your prayer will easier identify that they actually came true...]

Write down one meaningful thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 
Continue for 28 more days.
[when you start you will find so many little things in life to be grateful about]

DAY 3 
Reach out to someone you know and praise them. 
Continue for 27 more days. 
[you know what it feels like being told by someone how special you are to them, return the favor!]

Start doing cardio for at least 15 minutes a day. 
Continue for 26 more days. 
[exercise releases endorphins do I need to say more?!]

Start meditating for at least 5 minutes a day. 
Continue for 25 more days. 
[deep breathing keeps us relaxed, provides oxygen to the blood and helps clean out toxins]

DAY 30
You made it! We hope you will keep these habits going beyond the challenge! 

I put the writing part of this challenge on different colored post-it notes and I post them on my wall in my bedroom. When I have completed the 30 day challenge I will buy a journal and put them all in there... It is visual and exciting and my wall is growing of positivity!

"I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints... 
...Love and Faithfulness meet together; Righteousness and Peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and Righteousness looks down from heaven."

-PSALM 85:8, 10-11 

Monday, November 24, 2014

It is never easy with a Narcissist

"I want to make you suffer"

Like taken out of a thriller, Thuderstorm spoke those words to me not even a week ago. I could feel the chills going through my body as I was sitting there with the phone up against my ear. He truly meant it. Like possessed by the Devil he just felt he had the right... because at the end of the day, I hurt him greatly by leaving him.... the way I did.... and I must be punished. Again.

"I am not intending to make this easy for you"

We were on the phone about the divorce mediation that just started. (I totally see why divorce mediation is not advisable for a case like ours by the way). Thunderstorm had decided a few weeks earlier that divorce mediation was the way to go to save money... and I figured I would be able to handle it as it would be the fastest way anyway. So here we are... having to talk on occasion and having to make decision together. It is a painful process and probably would be even if you are on the same page. Divorcing an abuser and a narcissist is not "supposed" to be easy. Divorcing them is tapping into and destroying their fragile self-image. They are going to make you pay for it.

I am fully aware that I am going to walk away with far less than half of our belongings. Willingly. My freedom is worth more than things. He can have it all if he asks for it. I'll sleep on the floor with a towel as my blanket and a shoe as my pillow if I have to. I have already left most of what is considered mine, and I am so much better off anyway. 

"When this is over with you will be dead to me"

There was a time in the past were I had imagined him and I being on the same birthday party for one of our mutual friends. Being able to be civil around others.. but that image is wiped away... and even though that comment was fired off with the intention to hurt me, I was relieved. I CAN'T WAIT!

"I never want to see you happy ever again"

What a surprise!
Unfortunately, for him, I am already happier... should I tell him? ;)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Self realization and Self healing

On the path of recovering from my abusive marriage I picked up a book called "You are Loved. Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You" by Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt. A book that turned out to be a DIY Bible study... (I guess that is how God forced me to buy my own Bible - it is pink by the way) 

All chapters have hit right at heart and there was one chapter in particular that stood out to me. The story wasn't based on the same reality but the words were mine... every single one of them. So I have below re-written Sally's story from chapter 3 "Satan wants to steal and destroy our confidence in God's unchanging love" with my own heart and soul behind it...

Picture from CandieInk on Etsy
Moving to this country and marrying my husband was enlightening at first. However, with every day, a shadow seemed to creep more profoundly over my heart. 

A realization that “I was not worthy” that I was inadequate before God, and ultimately my husband, weighted like a ton of bricks on my heart. I smiled on the outside and performed the tasks of living with the new responsibilities of being a wife and I did as best as I could. But no one could have guessed what the voices were saying to me inside my mind. 

Without even noticing I had been gathering a bundle of guilt, failures, fears, and inadequacies that I carried inside of me every day. They were a dark cloud that often defined how I felt about myself: “You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just playing the role of being a wife and a good person, but God and your husband are disappointed in you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see your shame and shortcomings.” 

In-between my late 20’s and early 30’s, the façade people observed by the mask of friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Blond hair, blue eyes, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect as possible hoping someone would truly love me – I attempted to win favor by my looks, my performances at work, and all things external – but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me. Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling, minimizing all the abuse that was performed on my expense. 

Night after night, I slumped alone, under my blanket in silence, weeping desperately and physically aching as though something inside was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I attempted to be excellent, I always fell short; there was always more abuse or fear of it. A deep longing to be known and still loved haunted me daily. 

Too abused to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I had received a message from my husband, that his love was based on my performance. And I convinced myself of the same thing – if you do the right things, you will be acceptable. If you please him, you would be popular, but if he saw the real you, he would not want to know you. If I made a mistake or chose different values than him, I would be ignored or condemned. 

Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance in my life. I had been surrounded by the one who felt free to criticize me and I had listened to his messages. 

I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole married life to be enough to impress my husband to notice me, to affirm the longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort and security I had always longed for but never quite experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out loud (– until here and now).

As I poured out my heart to God one day in May of 2014, that I barely knew -- and felt compassion, gentleness and love in return – there was no condemnation there. God was excited that I put my faith in Him. The truth is that we will never have to perform for God, because His love for us is endless, infinite, constant and abundant once you put your faith in him. 

But there is one who wants to keep you from knowing the secrets and amazing love of God – Satan despises those who want to love God. He would love to whisper words of darkness into your heart so that you will be distracted and waste your time trying to please God, when you are already all that you need to be to please Him. You must begin to recognize the voices that are not truths and then determine not to accept them as truths or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and strong foundations of love that God has communicated to you in scripture! There will always be a spiritual battle going on in your heart, because Satan comes to steal away your faith and confidence. 

Satan knows that if he can get you to focus on yourself and look at your inadequacies, you will not be free to enjoy the incredible love and forgiveness of God. When you listen to his voices, you are actually giving into Satan’s lies and then he has you living a defeated life.”

You are royalty because you have been adopted by the King, the creator of the universe. That is your heritage and that is the reality of His love for you. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

You must, as a little girl before God, run to Him with open arms and rest and abide in this great love. Only when you accept this love and trust Him will you ever be free from the darkness you feel.
We cannot be free to love as long as we are dwelling on ourselves, our own inadequacies, bitterness, lack of forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Jesus desires us to live freely, no condemnation hanging over our heads, so that we become freer to love others as well.  

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Not without Courage

Tomorrow, November 14th, will be the 2 month anniversary of my own courage. Yes, I am celebrating my COURAGE. It is the day I left. The day I closed the door behind me and my life as it had been up until that point. The life that was full of abuse and self-minimizing... I finally had the courage to leave it.

I don't know how I did it but there was a spark inside of me. A strength that was kindled by a Divine power that could not be ignored. It became stronger than the fear. I became stronger than the fear. It made me pack, it made me take one step in front of the other and finally step out and close the door behind me. I felt like I was in a daze when I did it. I had no emotions I just did, like I was on autopilot.

I managed to pack my clothes, shoes, books, personal belongings and kitchen stuff but left all furniture and items I will survive without. There are still plenty of my things in that house and I do hope to one day get them back but I don't know if I will. And it will not kill me if I don't. (Staying would have killed me.)

When I had thought of me leaving in the past I had envisioned it as a Hollywood movie where I would walk out the house with loud empowering music playing, friends embracing me on the street outside high five:ing me, and with a smile on my face I would just walk away... Proud.

That surely didn't happen. When I closed that door behind me I was a lonely nervous wreck asking myself (still) if I had done the right thing, even if I knew I had. I talked to my unknowing ex one last time on the phone, told him I loved him one last time - it wasn't genuine but I did it anyway. Then I turned my phone and location tracker off and a relief washed over me.

He was not able to call or text me. He didn't know where I was. I had done it... finally.   


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Dometic Violence Awareness Month

It's National Domestic Violence Awareness month.
When you hear the word “domestic violence”,what does it bring to mind? When I used to hear those words, I imagined a relationship like the ones portrayed in movies such as “Sleeping With The Enemy” or “Safe Haven”. Men who blatantly terrorized their women to make them do what they wanted them to and who punched, kicked, and choked the women the said they loved into submission. Domestic Violence was something that was physical. It resulted in bruises, stitches, and broken bones.

I want to talk about how a good majority of domestic violence shows its ugly face outside of Hollywood. It's more covert, and the marks it leaves aren't as visible. It doesn't even have to get to a physical point EVER for it to be abusive.

The definition of domestic violence from the US Department of Justice's website is: “...a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional,economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”

My first marriage involved all of the various types of abuse, yet I didn't think I had it “that bad”. Maybe it was because I had seen a lot of unhealthy relationships growing up and I normalized it. Maybe it was because it wasn't always bad, so I kept hanging in there for the good times to come back. He excused his behavior—and I rationalized it—as a result of his past relationships, his upbringing, too much stress, not enough help from me. I was too emotional and too sensitive.

It wasn't what I seen in the movies. I was not ready to fake my death to escape him, nor did I think I had to. I didn't want or think I had to go into hiding to keep him away from me. As far as I seen it, he had all the power in another way...I wanted it to work more than he did. When I would lose hope and get fed up with the treatment I was receiving and would express that maybe this wasn't working, I was pulled back in and suddenly he wanted it as much as I did and would do anything—EVERYTHING--to save the one thing that mattered more to him than the world.

~ By a fellow domestic violence survivor

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Under the blanket

"...After a conversation about divorce where my husband brought up all the religious reasons I cannot divorce, I crawled in bed and sobbed. I felt like a bad person for even entertaining the idea of leaving. And I went through those addresses from the church leaders about marriage. All of them go right along with what my husband was saying. In fact, he was so happy the next morning it was almost like he felt like he had won the debate and had a whole entire religious organization to back him up.

I literally begged God to just take my life. I couldn't do it anymore..."

Blanket of Love from
- I just want to sneak into your bedroom, uncover the blankets you are hiding under and hold you, tell you things will be ok. Slowly drag you out of there while your trust for me grows. Hold your hands until you are really on your feet, no matter if that takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... etc. That is what I want to do for you right now.

I felt despair when I read it. My heart is breaking for you. The pain you feel is what I felt and I know it so well. It reminds me of why I cannot go back (so for that I am thankful)... because I would be right there in bed under the covers myself. Paralyzed by fear of all kinds. Making my full time job be to think of ways not to upset him or poke the sleeping bear. Be a puppet in his show reacting to his motion and never create any of my own... out of fear.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling and it is working well to keep us trapped under that blanket. We create guilt for ourselves and let other people shower us with guilt. It is easy when there is no self-esteem left to just take it in and let it grow. We almost don't know how to function without the guilt. And sitting here on the other side today, I have no idea when this guilt will disappear. Maybe as we start to regain our own self-esteem and some self confidence...

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

19 of 20 - How can you even think that?!

Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

My hair is a hot topic. I have colored it in different colors, I have cut it shorter, I have curled it and I have kept it straight. It is a subject he likes - if I do what he likes and a subject he loves to bring up if I do not. He likes it blond, long and curly.

One evening we were going to an event. You can call it "his" event, at least that is what he calls it because it was for one of the organizations he is involved in. I had to wear a gown and was going to put in my blond extensions and curl it. I truly looked like a princess. I also had a silver headband in my hair to match my silver-gray dress.

When I was done with my hair and make up he was so angry. So so angry that he made me shake. He threw hangers and told me he no longer wanted to go to this event that I had ruined it all. I thought, and said that I don't understand why you are so upset about me wearing a headband... And he replies "it is not about the headband it is about the fact that you do not want to do what your husband asks you to do. You are not willing to please me. After all this is my event and you should look the way I wanted you to look. It is such a small thing to ask of you and still you cannot do it." 

He has said the same thing over and over and over.. And still feels the same right about that he fully have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I cut it - it is making me look like a boy. I color it - I don't look like his wife and he cannot look at me... He just cannot understand how I cannot have my hair the way it would please him the most at all times, because it is such a small thing. But if I say that "yes it is such a small thing that you should allow me to have it the way I like it" he does not understand. That if I do, he has the right to call me out on it and make me feel like I am a horrible person. That I don't understand how to please him and that it is just a little thing that is so easy to do.  

I know this is not a really good example of the above statement but the truth to be told.. There has been so many conversations where he has twisted my truth that I no longer remember them or understand where it started and ended. All I know is that my thoughts are most often wrong and he pays very little attention to them. He seem to want to hear them but just to twist them around to make me feel like I am worthless. And bring them back later and use them as a weapon against me...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

One day

This will be me one day... day.

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

16 of 20 - Finding faults in others is like his power source

The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser
by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm loves to identify faults in others. That is the first thing he sees and he thrives on it. It makes him feel better about himself (I think at least - because why would he do it otherwise?) Last Saturday we were out for a movie and dinner and I cannot remember a good comment coming out of his mouth. He complained about the cost of going to the movies. He complained about the long wait at the bar before we could order our food. He complained about some people at work. He complained about me not being good at communicating. He complained about everything he could think of. And all I wanted was to hear one comment that was positive. One.

Being around a person that becomes an expert in complaining, criticizing and tormenting others and feel powerful doing it is a person that is draining to be around. You will never have enough energy to deal with it. You will never put a positive twist to the thought because he cannot see it... and you will ultimately be wrong for thinking a positive thought. You will be wrong and delusional and stupid. And the circle has started over - with you.. and it will always and forever come back to you until you break yourself free and get the f*ck out.

My energy levels are at dangerously low...
I am working on breaking myself out...
Soon. I. Will. Be. Free.