What two years can do

It has been two years now.

Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...

When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.

I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...

Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do.  

Two years and life gets better and better...

Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

When will a gift be just a gift?

I have never been a person that have to have a gift given to me on my special days. But when those days passes by without any acknowledgement at all it is hurtful. You hope every time that this time it will be different. You never stop hoping. However, it never happens... You will never be acknowledged the way you deserve.

Instead, you learn about all the ways you do not deserve to be treated a little extra on your special day and that you are selfish to think that you do.

Now, when I am out of that situation... I still have a skewed view on gifts. I am still terrified of giving gifts because what if it is completely wrong and the person receiving it hates it and in turn will hate me for it?! (Trust me I know this is so stupid and that I should erase it but that is how the inner child in me is thinking/feeling). There is no logical reason to this connection besides for years of being treated so badly for giving gifts and for wanting gifts. Both were wrong.

Receiving gifts... oh boy. I may not always show it but when I do I will play the "you really don't have to" card... yet, inside I am crying like a baby. I am reacting very strongly to gifts just because I for so long believed I didn't deserve them.

It's been almost a year and I am now "ok" with people paying for my dinner, drinks, and maybe a movie and flowers. I feel like I could "deserve" this... But people have given me more stuff, bigger stuff.. trips, money, electronics... and I still do not know how to thank for them. I say "thank you" but I somewhere ask myself what I now have to do in return... so that one day it won't come back to me with "I gave you this and I got nothing".

My friends tell me that it is ok to get gifts. That people give gifts to those they want to and love to see a thankful and happy reaction - that the reaction is the returned favor in a sense. And I agree!!! But, I still don't understand why I deserve those gifts, those expensive gifts. Why do I deserve them?

I am ok, thank you for asking

Vulnerability. Beautiful and scary at the same time. It can be beautiful if you allow it to be, but most often it is scary because you just have to let go. Give in. Let it take over. But once you do, let go of that sense of control it most often will be beautiful... and scary... 

I think during the past week I, in my silence, saw the peak of my vulnerability. I was in a car accident that could have ended much worse than it did. It still have me sitting here with a very stiff and sore back, neck and body along with having a concussion that is pretty much in control of my life at the moment. But I am alive. It happened on a snowy highway driving to get my hair done. Now I not only have these pains I also never got my hair done and my car is no more.

On the outside I paint up this picture to be this strong woman...

~ I am ok ~

~ I will be just fine  ~

~ I am thankful to be alive ~

~ Oh, it is nothing, don't worry ~

~ I can do this ~

~ I will manage ~

~ I can juggle (read ignore) this concussion while also working  ~

~ I am in control ~

~ I am strong ~

~ I am lucky ~

It is all a lie... I feel none of these things in this moment. I feel lonely. I feel naked. I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone, even myself... I cannot ask for help because I don't know what to ask for. And if I in an instant think of something to ask for; I quickly kick it off my mind and convince myself I can deal with it on my own - It all happens automatically without me even realizing it.

This is the moment we need people that not only say "let me know if I can help you in any way" but the people that actually do without even asking. Because the truth is - I still don't know what to ask for because I don't even know what I need. The people that do can't do anything wrong in a situation like that. Anything and Everything will be appreciated.  

I hope that I someday become a doer for someone else. And maybe along the process I can make my vulnerability into something beautiful because right now - all it is, is scary. And I am living in a lie by not allowing it to come out...

Valentine's Day

What a hope-filled day for some, excited for others, and a shear pain for many.
I have never been celebrated on Valentine's Day, instead I have been told: "Valentine's Day is overrated", "It is just a trick to sell cards, flowers, and candy", and "I love you every day why do I have to do something on Valentine's Day" 

As true as those statements all are and I am sure most of you have heard or even said them before... As a girl with a romantic heart that probably belong in the Disney movies - or perhaps the Hallmark Channel - I kind of want to be at least acknowledged in some way on Valentine's Day. Something different. Something.

What I really want is a bouquet of pink and red roses and a card - my physical need is shouting. ...and then I think... If I had received signs of love throughout the year(s) then maybe I wouldn't have this desire to get flowers and a card on Valentine's Day, because then, maybe I would too, say that Valentine's Day is overrated! That you don't need one day a year to make you feel acknowledged, because every day in your relationship makes you feel acknowledged and loved.

THAT is what I want - not flowers on Valentine's Day, but - to feel loved, appreciated, and acknowledged every day!

Side point: Cause how much would those roses mean to me if they were sitting here in front of me if they were given to me by a stranger on the street, a person from work, or an old lover perhaps?? - Probably not what I wanted when I first said it above, because what I want doesn't rest in the roses... it is the love behind it and the love I give back by receiving it... It is resting in the love-transactions before the roses even existed.

But I still adore red and pink roses together. :)

Love to you on Valentine's Day and every other day.

Be assertive

As one of my old self's biggest personality traits faded away during my marriage I am now tying to pick up the pieces and reclaim my own will. This is easy in my new home and when I am alone. I can paint whatever color I want on the walls and I can eat whatever I want for dinner. But when you mix in other people my assertiveness is out the door.

"Oh you pick.. whatever you want"
"I don't care we can watch the movie you want to see"
"Where do you want to eat, I can always find something I like at any place so I am ok"
"You tell me what time works best for you and I'll adapt my plans around it"

Those are just examples of what I will tell people and think. Yes, they are not important "stuff" to take a stand on, but if I can't do it when it does not really matter, how am I suppose to do it when it does matter? I have a homework assignment - to be assertive. Start with the little things. Make decisions, suggest stuff and share my thoughts when I do not fully agree...

Sounds easy right?!
Not for me! You see in my twisted mind I will automatically act as if you are going to judge me and never want to speak to me again (or something along those lines) if I want to watch a different movie than you, if I want to eat something different for dinner, or if I like a color that you don't like... It sounds really absurd but those little stupid things really have me watch what I say, do, think, and act. Deep down I know that you will never dislike me because I rather have pasta than steak for dinner - because I would never dislike you for it. Yet, I haven't been able to shake that insecurity inside of me. It is like a little parasite living off of me, chewing away with joy.

I know part of this comes with confidence, but the catch 22 is that I can't practice my confidence if I don't practice my assertiveness. So here we are... It's time for me to B E  A S S E R T I V E.

 And today this reading came to me (fit perfectly as always): 

"The Lord says to me, My grace is enough for you; 

for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in weakness.
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses an infirmities, 

that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!" 

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

L.O.V.E.

It is the one wish I have. 

For me and everyone else. 

I want to love and to be loved in return.

There is no greater wish. 

 Am I asking too much? 

Do I have to settle for someone that I like? 

Do I have to settle for someone that claim to love me but I not them? 

No. I do not. 

And I will not.

I rather spend the rest of my life looking for the right one... 

...than settle with the wrong one.

Harsh? 

No, not if you have lived my life... 

Love. 

When you feel good thinking about him.

When you can't imagine yourself with anyone else but him.

When everyone else fade in comparison.

When you are within reach of him yet want to be closer.

When you feel completely calm and relaxed when he is there.

When  you could care less if you sleep or not as long as he is there.

When you have nothing to hide.

When you don't want to hide anything.

When holding his hand is like holding his heart.

When kissing him is like giving your soul to him.

When the moment you lay your eyes on him you know he is the one.

When telling him you love him does not feel like strong enough words to use.

He is out there...

I must fly

I picture myself standing on the edge of something. 

There is one step left to feel Love, Acceptance, Understanding, Trust etc... 

I am so ready to take that step and to Fly. 

I. Want. To. Fly. 

So badly.

But, the fear that something will grab me and drag me down so I can not fly make me stand there on the edge creating a mixture of feelings of love, acceptance, understanding, trust etc with fear of not being enough to be loved, not being perfect enough to be accepted, not being understood, not being worthy of trust... 

Words and actions that have been thrown in my face for so long hold me back. 

They hold me back on that edge. Anchoring my feet so I cannot take that final step and just fly... 

Instead I prepare myself for never being able to fly.

No matter how true that reality is the best way to really describe it is the word "symptoms". They are just symptoms of what has happened to me. Not symptoms of what is happening to me. The reason I cannot fly is not present. It is in the past. The present has brought me to that edge in the first place. Offered me that leap of faith to fly. 

I am here... All I must do is just fly.    

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.

L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.

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Chosen by God for this new life of love, 

I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 

compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 

I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 

I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 

And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 

It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 

I never want to be without it. 

COLOSSIANS 3:12-14

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Everything

Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Righteousness and Peace kiss each other

Since it is Thanksgiving week right now I figured I would share something on the lighter side. I am a Pinterest fan! (ok that was not what I wanted to share - but the story starts here...) I go on Pinterest on a regular basis, some weeks multiple times a day - you know waking up, bathroom breaks, going to bed, when you are slightly bored, when an idea just hits your head and you cannot let it go until you have done at least some investigation... etc. You get the point.

So, in the middle of all the darkness I have been through over the past years. Close to 8 years to be exact... I was also held up by some crazy force that kept telling me to fight! It told me to even if I locked it away, to not forget whom I was. Ever. So I did. I locked myself up but I didn't forget her. And finally she is starting to come out... humbly and careful but she is on her way out... And she is a force of LOVE.

I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge on Pinterest over the weekend and when I did my soul just smiled! It was exactly what I needed to do... (I added my own part to it too but still).

I encourage you to do the same, no matter where you are in your life because if you start to look at things in a different light (perhaps) things will start to change for the better. You know, it is the law of attraction - positivity attracts positivity.. love attracts love... happiness attracts happiness...

Sorry, I am babbling. Here is the 30 day challenge:

DAY 1 

Name and write down three new things you are grateful for when you wake up. 

Continue for 29 more days.

[waking up focusing on the positive can be a great start of your day as positivity feeds positivity]  

My own addition: Write down one of your most significant prayer for the day.

[remembering your prayer will easier identify that they actually came true...]

DAY 2

Write down one meaningful thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 

Continue for 28 more days.

[when you start you will find so many little things in life to be grateful about]

DAY 3 

Reach out to someone you know and praise them. 

Continue for 27 more days. 

[you know what it feels like being told by someone how special you are to them, return the favor!]

DAY 4

Start doing cardio for at least 15 minutes a day. 

Continue for 26 more days. 

[exercise releases endorphins do I need to say more?!]

DAY 5

Start meditating for at least 5 minutes a day. 

Continue for 25 more days. 

[deep breathing keeps us relaxed, provides oxygen to the blood and helps clean out toxins]

DAY 30

You made it! We hope you will keep these habits going beyond the challenge! 

I put the writing part of this challenge on different colored post-it notes and I post them on my wall in my bedroom. When I have completed the 30 day challenge I will buy a journal and put them all in there... It is visual and exciting and my wall is growing of positivity!

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"I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints... 

...Love and Faithfulness meet together; Righteousness and Peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and Righteousness looks down from heaven."

-PSALM 85:8, 10-11 

 

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Self realization and Self healing

On the path of recovering from my abusive marriage I picked up a book called "You are Loved. Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You" by Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt. A book that turned out to be a DIY Bible study... (I guess that is how God forced me to buy my own Bible - it is pink by the way) 

All chapters have hit right at heart and there was one chapter in particular that stood out to me. The story wasn't based on the same reality but the words were mine... every single one of them. So I have below re-written Sally's story from chapter 3 "Satan wants to steal and destroy our confidence in God's unchanging love" with my own heart and soul behind it...

Picture from CandieInk on Etsy

YOU ARE LOVED
Moving to this country and marrying my husband was enlightening at first. However, with every day, a shadow seemed to creep more profoundly over my heart. 

A realization that “I was not worthy” that I was inadequate before God, and ultimately my husband, weighted like a ton of bricks on my heart. I smiled on the outside and performed the tasks of living with the new responsibilities of being a wife and I did as best as I could. But no one could have guessed what the voices were saying to me inside my mind. 

Without even noticing I had been gathering a bundle of guilt, failures, fears, and inadequacies that I carried inside of me every day. They were a dark cloud that often defined how I felt about myself: “You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just playing the role of being a wife and a good person, but God and your husband are disappointed in you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see your shame and shortcomings.” 

In-between my late 20’s and early 30’s, the façade people observed by the mask of friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Blond hair, blue eyes, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect as possible hoping someone would truly love me – I attempted to win favor by my looks, my performances at work, and all things external – but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me. Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling, minimizing all the abuse that was performed on my expense. 

Night after night, I slumped alone, under my blanket in silence, weeping desperately and physically aching as though something inside was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I attempted to be excellent, I always fell short; there was always more abuse or fear of it. A deep longing to be known and still loved haunted me daily. 

Too abused to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I had received a message from my husband, that his love was based on my performance. And I convinced myself of the same thing – if you do the right things, you will be acceptable. If you please him, you would be popular, but if he saw the real you, he would not want to know you. If I made a mistake or chose different values than him, I would be ignored or condemned. 

Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance in my life. I had been surrounded by the one who felt free to criticize me and I had listened to his messages. 

I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole married life to be enough to impress my husband to notice me, to affirm the longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort and security I had always longed for but never quite experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out loud (– until here and now).

FINDING GOD

As I poured out my heart to God one day in May of 2014, that I barely knew -- and felt compassion, gentleness and love in return – there was no condemnation there. God was excited that I put my faith in Him. The truth is that we will never have to perform for God, because His love for us is endless, infinite, constant and abundant once you put your faith in him. 

ALWAYS KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU

But there is one who wants to keep you from knowing the secrets and amazing love of God – Satan despises those who want to love God. He would love to whisper words of darkness into your heart so that you will be distracted and waste your time trying to please God, when you are already all that you need to be to please Him. You must begin to recognize the voices that are not truths and then determine not to accept them as truths or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and strong foundations of love that God has communicated to you in scripture! There will always be a spiritual battle going on in your heart, because Satan comes to steal away your faith and confidence. 

Satan knows that if he can get you to focus on yourself and look at your inadequacies, you will not be free to enjoy the incredible love and forgiveness of God. When you listen to his voices, you are actually giving into Satan’s lies and then he has you living a defeated life.”

YOU ARE GOD'S PRINCESS
You are royalty because you have been adopted by the King, the creator of the universe. That is your heritage and that is the reality of His love for you. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

You must, as a little girl before God, run to Him with open arms and rest and abide in this great love. Only when you accept this love and trust Him will you ever be free from the darkness you feel.

We cannot be free to love as long as we are dwelling on ourselves, our own inadequacies, bitterness, lack of forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Jesus desires us to live freely, no condemnation hanging over our heads, so that we become freer to love others as well.  

Not without Courage

Tomorrow, November 14th, will be the 2 month anniversary of my own courage. Yes, I am celebrating my COURAGE. It is the day I left. The day I closed the door behind me and my life as it had been up until that point. The life that was full of abuse and self-minimizing... I finally had the courage to leave it.

I don't know how I did it but there was a spark inside of me. A strength that was kindled by a Divine power that could not be ignored. It became stronger than the fear. I became stronger than the fear. It made me pack, it made me take one step in front of the other and finally step out and close the door behind me. I felt like I was in a daze when I did it. I had no emotions I just did, like I was on autopilot.

I managed to pack my clothes, shoes, books, personal belongings and kitchen stuff but left all furniture and items I will survive without. There are still plenty of my things in that house and I do hope to one day get them back but I don't know if I will. And it will not kill me if I don't. (Staying would have killed me.)

When I had thought of me leaving in the past I had envisioned it as a Hollywood movie where I would walk out the house with loud empowering music playing, friends embracing me on the street outside high five:ing me, and with a smile on my face I would just walk away... Proud.

That surely didn't happen. When I closed that door behind me I was a lonely nervous wreck asking myself (still) if I had done the right thing, even if I knew I had. I talked to my unknowing ex one last time on the phone, told him I loved him one last time - it wasn't genuine but I did it anyway. Then I turned my phone and location tracker off and a relief washed over me.

He was not able to call or text me. He didn't know where I was. I had done it... finally.   

 

Under the blanket

"...After a conversation about divorce where my husband brought up all the religious reasons I cannot divorce, I crawled in bed and sobbed. I felt like a bad person for even entertaining the idea of leaving. And I went through those addresses from the church leaders about marriage. All of them go right along with what my husband was saying. In fact, he was so happy the next morning it was almost like he felt like he had won the debate and had a whole entire religious organization to back him up.

I literally begged God to just take my life. I couldn't do it anymore..."

Blanket of Love from RedBubble.com

- I just want to sneak into your bedroom, uncover the blankets you are hiding under and hold you, tell you things will be ok. Slowly drag you out of there while your trust for me grows. Hold your hands until you are really on your feet, no matter if that takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... etc. That is what I want to do for you right now.

I felt despair when I read it. My heart is breaking for you. The pain you feel is what I felt and I know it so well. It reminds me of why I cannot go back (so for that I am thankful)... because I would be right there in bed under the covers myself. Paralyzed by fear of all kinds. Making my full time job be to think of ways not to upset him or poke the sleeping bear. Be a puppet in his show reacting to his motion and never create any of my own... out of fear.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling and it is working well to keep us trapped under that blanket. We create guilt for ourselves and let other people shower us with guilt. It is easy when there is no self-esteem left to just take it in and let it grow. We almost don't know how to function without the guilt. And sitting here on the other side today, I have no idea when this guilt will disappear. Maybe as we start to regain our own self-esteem and some self confidence...
 

One day

This will be me one day... 

...one day.

Do you dare to love yourself first?

A friend just shared this with me from a Domestic Violence class she had been to and I wanted to share it with you all too.

For me is it so true and so valid but one thing that keeps popping up in my head when reading it is time... I still want babies and I am in my 30's. How much can I afford to wait?

"Survivors need to focus on developing a relationship with themselves first before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are, not what they think men are looking for. Remember, women who have been abused have spent a long time trying to be the person another person demanded rather than the genuine person that they are. In the process, most survivors have lost track of their own personalities and need to take the time to rediscover who they really are. The person who deserves the most kindness and compassion is you.

During this phase, the survivor must learn how to talk to herself with a new vocabulary. Every time she hears that little voice in her head saying, "That was stupid." or, "You made another mistake." she needs to retrain herself to say, "Well, you are a smart woman who made a mistake, it is okay." or, "You did so many other good things today, you have really made great progress." Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk is one of the first steps toward establishing a good relationship with yourself. 

A good "rule of thumb" when you make a minor mistake is to think of it in relative terms. If you forget to thaw something out for dinner, for instance, think about it relative to how you would react if a friend did the same thing. If a friend told you that she forgot to thaw something out for dinner, would you criticize her? On the other hand, would you tell her that it was not a big deal? If you would see it as a minor mistake that would not bother you because she is a great friend, then you should give yourself the same credit!  Always be at least as good to yourself, and forgiving of yourself, as you would be to your best friend!"