Thursday, December 17, 2015

PTSD is "just" a diagnose

What is a diagnose? Does it make us stronger or does it keep us trapped? 

I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I have the signs. I have the feelings. I have it.... but I kind of refuse to obey by it because I don't want to be trapped in a diagnose. What if they say "once PTSD always PTSD"? then what? It is kind of like the fact that a bumble bee is too heavy to fly, but since it doesn't know this fact it still flies!

I don't want to have it and I am working very hard not to have it... So I don't even pay attention to the fact that I do have it. Never did and I don't think I ever will. Because if I feed it even a slightest "I don't have PTSD" I will give it energy...

So instead... I focus on love. I must. Love vs PTSD... I choose LOVE! Love will win :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

On Cloud Nine

I am bubbling over and I just HAVE to share this with the world. And what better day to do it than on 11/11 - the day our manifestations are the strongest, the day our thoughts becomes reality. Today is for positive thinking. Today is for affirming what we want!

It's been over a year since I left a world in darkness and have walked a crazy path back to confidence, love and self-appreciation. The path have sometimes been too difficult and sometimes full of laughter and joy. But each and every step has brought me here today. I can proudly say that I love myself and to announce that I am IN LOVE.

You guys are the first to know. He doesn't even know it. At least not from me telling him... He is the ONE. I know he is. Ok, that's it.. I have too many thoughts in my head and in my heart to really share but yes - he is the one and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

Monday, September 14, 2015

One year of Freedom

“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear…”

As I today celebrate my 1 year anniversary of freedom, “Happy Independence day” as my sister just texted me earlier, I think back to those days leading up to my exit and the days after. I am not sure which days and emotions were the worst to deal with: The fear and anxiety prior to leaving or the guilt about having left, fear of going back, and wondering how this is all going to go… but they were all swirls of black… yet I sometimes think I got out so “easy” compared to many others.

I am here to try to inspire you who are still in wishing to get out, with the truth behind the above quote “everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear”.

You want an understanding and loving husband/boy friend – he is out there. You want a life away from fear and walking on eggshells – close that door behind you. You want your children to grow up in a safe and loving environment – bring them with you. You want to be able to wear whatever you want when you go out – open up the closet. You want to engage in hobbies and interests because you love it - J no one will stop you. You want to chit chat with your best friend into early morning giggling yourself to sleep – invite her over. You want a backside day where you eat dessert before dinner and wear PJs until 9PM – the kids will love it...

All of that and so much more is within reach as long as we are able to work through the guilt and fear. The guilt and fear are conditional feelings we have been taught to feel by our abusers. It is not how the real world looks outside of our own little reality. That reality when absolutely nothing is easy. Everything has a condition or a side effect. That is not life, that is life in prison under supervision. Your life will never really flourish when you are in that prison. It will always be dark, or have hints of darkness… Most people that try to stay will tell of this truth.

Being out has its struggles, yes, but we are talking about struggles that don’t have to end up in fear, anxiety, and guilt. Normal day-to-day struggles. “what color shoes should I wear today”, “oh shiit, I forgot to get milk and eggs yesterday” etc. It’s never about I think he might kill/harass/hit/ridicule me, or give me the silent treatment, or cheat, or… Life IS better on this side.

I was in a car crash about 5 months out and the effects of it was still better than living in abuse. Even if I felt lonely and miserable at times. I had one thing to my strength: I never missed him. I never missed him as he had broken me so badly. That kept me away even if I at one occasion post-leaving sat on our drive way when he was away thinking to myself that maybe we could work it out. Thankfully I left in panic, realizing what I was about to do, before he came home to find me there. The pull to go back wasn’t about him I realized then, it was about stability and knowing a little bit more about what every day looked like. Then, I realized that I was allowed to create that for myself. I was able to create a new stability and new routines.

I failed at taking care of myself for a long time. Living without a kitchen for 4 months I added the habit of eating out every day and night. That weight I put on and what it spiraled into with my health are still stuff I have to deal with today. But I am getting myself together and confident that I will lose those 30-40 lbs again. If I gained them I can lose them right?! J

People that know me have told me that I am like a new person. And despite my huge weight gain (to the point I am wearing yoga pants every day) everyone I meet say I look so beautiful and full of life. My aura, spirit, and smile is at a whole different level and people are calling me for a beautiful person inside and out. They love the way I look (even if I sometimes wondering if they are blind LOL) then I realize that it isn’t about the weight – it is something more than that. 

I had to work HARD on that spirit. I have taken very many online classes, angel classes and meditation session to  get myself back. I have learned that it is far more profitable to ask “why am I so beautiful and skinny?” than to say “why am I so fat and ugly?” --- because the Universe will show you exactly what you are asking about. I rather know why I am beautiful than why I am ugly J Life becomes far more fun to live that way. I have also learned to say my gratitude out loud, even if they are not currently reality – yet “I am so, so grateful and thankful that I love to wake up early in the morning to exercise” (LOL) – It actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. People may call me crazy – but that is ok. I feel crazy-happy many times during the day. And that is far better then feeling like you are going crazy inside that abusive relationship. 

Unfortunately I don't have that one magic word that will get those of you who feel a little stuck to get out of your seats to do something. But I promise you that despite your fear, anxiety and guilt you are feeling today - it won't feel like that on the other side but you will have to fight those feelings to get there. Tell yourself that your abuser put them there to keep you there. Like that ball and chain to your ankle.     

Love and Blessings to all. 

Monday, August 31, 2015

How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.
He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.
As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?
Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.
Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.
Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Should you stay for the children?

A few things has recently circulated in my head. A lot of it has to do with children and people growing up with an abusive parent. (The abusive person in my little thought-process is a man, the father)

Depending on how you were brought up, different values plays a part in deciding if you are going to leave the relationship and split up the family forever. Most people, religion or not, have this general idea that “you should stay for the children”. I want to argue the opposite. You should leave for the children!

Everyone would probably agree that child abuse is a horrible thing. Any aspect of the child abuse is horrible. It tears your heart apart and you either can’t stop crying thinking about it or it’s so hard to think about that you don’t, because it is simply not ok to treat children that way. Growing up in a family where ones father abuse ones mother is also abuse. Call it something different like indirect abuse or whatever you want – it is still abuse. You are still living in an abusive environment. Children are extremely wired to sense things. They know when things are not right, even if they never see their father abuse their mother. They will sense the tensions and the fear. It is inevitable. You can’t hide from the energies that an environment like that creates. You just can’t. And you can’t protect your children from it either no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love those kiddos. You just can’t.

No matter the circumstances about how the children are witnessing the abuse going on in the family, by sight, by ear, by touch, or by energy… it will affect them negatively. Their core need for feeling safe and nurtured might be compromised. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that it probably doesn't create a stable growing environment, don’t you think?

You might speak up about wanting to leave the abuser to someone, a friend or a family member. Most of those people would in one way or another try to paint up a picture in their head. The perfect family picture. Even if the picture doesn't exist except for in their own minds, it is there and is very true to them. They will listen to your arguments to why you want to leave – but they won’t understand. Because: they will parallel your stories with something similar they have experienced and most people (thankfully) don’t have to experience abuse. But because they haven’t they don’t understand. They don’t see, hear, or feel your pain. In many cases they don’t want to and can't. They rather, for what seems to be pushing it under the rug and, keep pushing for the perfect family picture. None of it make sense but to them it does. Because they don’t understand. To you however, it makes you feel like the loneliest person in the world. That you should just suck it up and deal with it. It can’t be that bad. It is all in your head. You just have to work harder. After all; must stay for the children!

You push off the exit some more, and to no fault of your own, your children will live in that abusive environment for a little longer compromising their development just a little bit more. Because you are not only now dealing with guilt from wanting to leave the abuser but from wanting to split up the family! How dare you! Must stay for the children!

Time goes by, you stay for the children. Your son grows up learning by default how to treat a woman and partner. Your daughter grows up learning by default how to be treated by a man and partner. Will that be their future truths and lives? Hard to say… BUT WHY RISK IT?!?!?!!!!! Why risk the chance that your son will use his childhood as an excuse to abuse his children and/or wife? Why risk the chance that your daughter will chose a husband that will treat her just like your husband treated you? And why let society, religion, friends, family, etc tell you what you SHOULD do? Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes and ask them again what you should do! You are 100% entitled to YOUR own life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. You are allowed to feel safe. You are allowed to leave a relationship that cannot give it to you. Yes! Every day you are allowed that. I promise. You deserve it. And your children deserves it. And what child wouldn't want a happy mommy?!

The image of a perfect family should never override the true reality of what that family is going through. Never ever.

Leave for the children! 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

When will a gift be just a gift?

I have never been a person that have to have a gift given to me on my special days. But when those days passes by without any acknowledgement at all it is hurtful. You hope every time that this time it will be different. You never stop hoping. However, it never happens... You will never be acknowledged the way you deserve.

Instead, you learn about all the ways you do not deserve to be treated a little extra on your special day and that you are selfish to think that you do.

Now, when I am out of that situation... I still have a skewed view on gifts. I am still terrified of giving gifts because what if it is completely wrong and the person receiving it hates it and in turn will hate me for it?! (Trust me I know this is so stupid and that I should erase it but that is how the inner child in me is thinking/feeling). There is no logical reason to this connection besides for years of being treated so badly for giving gifts and for wanting gifts. Both were wrong.

Receiving gifts... oh boy. I may not always show it but when I do I will play the "you really don't have to" card... yet, inside I am crying like a baby. I am reacting very strongly to gifts just because I for so long believed I didn't deserve them.

It's been almost a year and I am now "ok" with people paying for my dinner, drinks, and maybe a movie and flowers. I feel like I could "deserve" this... But people have given me more stuff, bigger stuff.. trips, money, electronics... and I still do not know how to thank for them. I say "thank you" but I somewhere ask myself what I now have to do in return... so that one day it won't come back to me with "I gave you this and I got nothing".

My friends tell me that it is ok to get gifts. That people give gifts to those they want to and love to see a thankful and happy reaction - that the reaction is the returned favor in a sense. And I agree!!! But, I still don't understand why I deserve those gifts, those expensive gifts. Why do I deserve them?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Summer back side

I rather be alone wishing I was with someone,
than with someone wishing I was alone... 

I think I have been going through a lot of this lately. Feeling lonely... I try to snap myself out of it by reminding myself where I was a year ago. But in essence it is not that easy. Loneliness comes when it wants to come and it doesn't matter what last year looked like.

You would think, that since I rarely get invitations to do stuff these days as my friend circle is tiny where I live, I would jump at any excuse to hang out and socialize - because I LOVE that! But in a depressive state of mind - as my loneliness resembles - I can come up with far more reasons not to go.

Then, every day life feels so heavy these days too (probably also because of the darn depressive state of mind). Work sucks much of my spirit away from me currently that I have very little energy left for when I am not working. Resting and sleeping becomes very important to me when I get a chance. So the balance of resting and hanging out is a struggle for me... And it probably sounds pathetic.. but that's where I am...  

Monday, June 8, 2015

Your parents are divorcing...

...Your mom left your dad and your whole family was broken up. Your childhood home was sold and you had to split your holidays between the two. You and your siblings are all out of the house as young adults tackling the real life. The way you see it, is that your mom was selfish to do such a thing to the family. And, your dad is still upset about it all, even if he might have found someone else... 

You feel that whatever your mom tells you about the situation on why she left are lame and still very selfish and you have stopped to even listen. In fact you rather not talk to her at all unless it is via texts every now and then. Seeing her is almost too painful. Seeing her happy and moving on with her life is like a slap in the face for what you had to go through with them getting a divorce. 

You feel that your dad needs your support still since he is taking this whole thing so hard. He is telling you how much your mom hurt him by leaving and that he never deserved this. You believe him. You believe him because you too got hurt by her leaving. His truth becomes your truth. Your dad starts to feed you things that you didn't know about your mother growing up. He shares secrets that your mom has always been selfish, that she never really cared, and that she always seemed to be out to hurt him by lies, all with associated stories to back up his points... It all kind of lines up with what you are feeling about the whole thing.. You believe everything he is saying, how could you not - they guy is almost crying when he is telling you this. 

Your distant to your mother grows and you feel it in yourself that you could never really see or understand why she did what she did. And in fact you don't care besides for that she hurt you all so deeply. Your trust and maybe even love for her seems to drift further and further away. And the resentment you feel grows bigger. 

...Then, one day, maybe it is years later... something happens. Maybe it is a thought, an event, a story... It is something that triggers something that has been deeply buried. You start to realize little by little that the nonsense your mom was telling you on why she left becomes a little bit more understandable, a little bit more true. You start to realized that maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she was put in a situation where she had no choice, that if she would have stayed she would have diminished as a person. You start to remember the controlling things your father used to do to her and that she never really seemed to have any life outside of the home. You wonder if she was even allowed now when you think about it. Did she even have hobbies? He was controlling her? "My own father I have been protecting was being mentally abusive to my own mother? And I took his side??" you ask yourself.  

Wow! what an emotional roller coaster filled with guilt. What the heck do you do now? If it is not too late... (and I mean that if she is dead) reach out to her. She is waiting... She will forever be waiting for her child to come back... She will never punish you for what happened - remember she was not the one that was controlling and abusive. She will forgive you and she will embrace you. Because she really knows no other way - that is why she stayed with your father for as long as she did in the first place...   

This post is dedicated to those women who has been abused by their husbands, gotten safely away from the situation and now have their children turned against them, siding with the abuser... 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

We are the Heroes of our time

When Sweden's Måns Zelmerlöv won the 2015 edition of Eurovision song contest last Saturday with the song Heroes - chills were running through my heart. It is so beautiful... just listen to it...
(and if you are like me and can listen to this over and over watch the live performance too)