Dating after abuse

Dating after abuse is a subject I never thought would be as tricky as it has been.

If you have been following my blog throughout my struggle you might remember that last year I felt like I had met The One. And, I must say that I still think he is The One however, it didn't work out in our favor… At least not for right now. Don’t worry I don’t cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, nor do I sit and stare at my phone hoping he will call or text me a simple “hello”.  Those days have passed… I don’t do that for a guy anymore.

Just looking back at these two years I have had plenty of dating experiences.

The first short relationship I ended up in was a 3 month long rebound. 100% rebound. Did I know it at the time? Heck no! I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. The man that could outweigh all the bad. He was amazing on so many levels in my eyes. Smart, handsome, tall, had an understanding about the world outside of his town/religion/color/etc, loved kids, the way he would hold me, and on and on. Like really – the Perfect Man! So, what happened? Well… I couldn't handle a perfect man! I didn't understand why he was so nice and helpful all the time. I didn't understand why he cooked dinner all the time while he asked me to just sip some wine in the living room. I didn't understand how I could be pleased without reciprocation. I didn't get it… And it made me insecure! I laugh at it now but it was STRANGE to say the least. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for ONE thing – to RECEIVE all of this goodness.  So it didn't last.

After the perfect man I ended up in an open long-distant relationship/friendship with a man I had met on a business trip. He had been my emotional compass throughout my process of leaving. He was the one checking in on me. We were dating but we were also both dating other people. It may sound strange now, but at the time it felt like the perfect scenario. Even if I was longing for the perfect man (a new perfect man LOL) I had also realized that I wasn't really ready. I needed to see what was out there. Learn to know myself...

The spring and summer of 2015 went by with random dates and visits to Mr Long-distant Guy. It was a great summer. My physical needs were met. I had a place to stay. I had food. I had an income. And, I had sex. Emotionally I was disconnected. Emotionally I was frozen. I didn't feel safe yet to let anyone in. At least not a guy, because who knows… he might just be an abuser in disguise. So I shut a lot of guys out before they even had the chance to see me again. It worked.

Then, The One appeared at the end of the summer of 2015. I was nonchalant with him too. I wasn't going to let him in. But then, on the third date something happened. My stomach started to flutter, sparkle, twinkle as I saw him come walking towards me. I honestly asked myself what the heck was going on. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't. The way he would literally ignite my soul was so new to me. I had this “OMG! This is how it feels like to fall in love” thoughts come flushing over me constantly. Previously, I had thought that maybe I wasn't capable of feeling those feelings. He made me feel like there was fireworks going off every time he crossed my mind, he held my hand, or whatever. I couldn't believe it. But I sure as heck was feeling it. I knew. I just knew…

It only lasted 4 months. And it was painful when it was no more. More painful when I realized he had another girl friend just a few months later. But despite the pain, the spark he ignited in my soul is still lit. I know what love feels like now, and that is a miracle in itself.

After the painful breakup I was determined to move on. I found someone else. It was online and before I opened the app I asked the Universe to bring me a man I would love to hang out with. And the Universe delivered. I met someone else. His smile was/is to die for! We could speak for hours over the phone and he came from an abusive past so we really had a lot of similarities. We lived 2 hours away from each other so we only met on weekends mostly. After our first two months together however I started to feel like something was missing, I just couldn't pin-point what it was yet. He seemed to be very into me and we did have fun together so I kept at it. And come on… his smile… To. Die. For. No. Joke. We also shared so many ideas about business that it seemed like too good to be true sometimes. He got me and my business. I got him and his business. 

But… yeah, you could feel it coming couldn't you?!… the “but”. He started to pull away. Not showing up to our weekends together. Stuck talking about himself. And it was just not a good feeling. I realized I was holding on to him not only because of his smile but because of the pain I saw him still be in. I believed I could help him out. I knew I could. However that is not the job of anyone. So the more I tried to “be there” for him the more he pulled away, until it all blew up in my face. I don’t blame anyone for the blow-up, I just see that we weren't a good match at this time. He had more releasing to do on his end from his past then I did and he wasn't ready to open up. He was me a year ago pretty much. So our nine month long on-and-off relationship ended. I still love his smile but realize he has to fight his own battles.

At this point in the story we are here. Current time. And, I have met someone else. Someone that pretty much took The One off my mind. Is he the new The One?! You may wonder… No he is not.. but he is another soul-mate connection. (I believe in multiple soul-mates). And right now I am figuring out what our relationship is and what it can be…

So from Perfect man, to Mr Long-Distant, to The One, to Smiles, to Soulmate… and let’s be honest a few other I didn’t even mention in between – I have learned a lot about stuff.

Love. Relationship. My likes and dislikes. And I have learned about Me.

I have learned that I deserve kindness, that I deserve to receive, that I can only help myself, that a relationship is mutual respect and love, that I am allowed to speak up, that I am allowed to feel differently, that I am allowed to ask for what I want, that I am allowed to be treated with nice “things”, that I am allowed to be protected, and that I don’t need to sit around waiting for a guy. That I am the first person I need to be in a relationship with – now and forever.  

a beautiful surprise

In pain to the point where I really just wanted to hide under the blanket I went to see him anyway. The need for company and the longing of his arms around me was far greater then the pain I felt. After I walked in to his place and as soon as I had kicked off my shoes I went over to him as he sat in the sofa to give him a kiss. I found myself reaching for a hug and he guided me on to his lap. Instantly my whole being took a big sigh of relief. I felt so safe and so complete in that moment in his arms. It took me by a beautiful surprise...

When I looked up on his face a few moments later, I cannot tell how long because the moment stood still, I saw that he, too, had his eyes closed and had embraced the moment completely. 

I know I haven't mention this person here ever but he is in my life and in my heart and have been for a few months. I don't know what the future will bring for us but I am excited to find out. 

A word from a dating expert

One of my new-found favorite business men: Matthew Hussey just sent "me" an email saying "Are you dating a narcissist?" So, let me share his words with you too as they are very valid in the dating world...

Does he like me?
Why didn’t he call?
Should I text him first?

How can I get him to commit?

No matter what city or country I’m in on my live tour, no matter how many emails are in my inbox, I can guarantee that I’ll be asked these common questions (multiple times). But just as I was starting to think I could read your mind, a surprising question started popping up again and again recently:  

Am I dating a Narcissist?  

Whoa.  

“What do guys mean by ‘I need space?’” – THAT I’m used to answering. But “does my boyfriend have a major personality disorder?” THIS was going to take some research… I put my brother Stephen to the task of tackling this tough topic and he’s composed a checklist of 11 (sometimes subtle) traits that can help you determine whether your guy qualifies as a Narcissist, so you can get out before you get in too deep.  

Here’s Stephen…  
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Narcissists fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.
Many disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists, sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.

Whether in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness. 

It doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.

Narcissists can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please. Sounds too good to be true, right? 

Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other people)!

What will likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together, takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and human generosity that he doesn’t show. You might not even be able to put your finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved, will tell you everything you want to hear. 

11 Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist 
How do you spot these creatures then? The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds:

    •    Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments.  
He does most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly devotional as a Justin Bieber fan.

    •    Selfishness with giving praise. 
He rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder.

    •    Every story you tell becomes a story about him. 
You’re in the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly, yours just isn’t that interesting to him.

    •    Envy. 
He is insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he is.

    •    Lack of curiosity about you. 
Your inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to.

    •    Takes credit, avoids blame. 
He takes credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how others played no role in his successes.

    •    Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you “have issues”. 
He assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting pressure on him.

    •    Ignores your plans. 
Your dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily obsession.

    •    Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great guy’. 
He only does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.

    •    Won’t assist with your projects. 
If your path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your meager projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination?

    •    Unable to apologize. 
He just cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and attack your character as a means to defend himself.  

I know nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly. But stack enough of these behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just won’t get.  

He’ll say all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will. That’s because he’s seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t match what he sees in the mirror.  

And the mirror always comes first.  

(Back to Matthew…)  
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<You> belong with a man who will cherish you, love you, and put you first in his life.

Whether you’ve been wasting your time on a bona fide Narcissist, or simply not getting your needs met by a guy who’s not living up to your standards, you deserve better.