A word from a dating expert

One of my new-found favorite business men: Matthew Hussey just sent "me" an email saying "Are you dating a narcissist?" So, let me share his words with you too as they are very valid in the dating world...

Does he like me?
Why didn’t he call?
Should I text him first?

How can I get him to commit?

No matter what city or country I’m in on my live tour, no matter how many emails are in my inbox, I can guarantee that I’ll be asked these common questions (multiple times). But just as I was starting to think I could read your mind, a surprising question started popping up again and again recently:  

Am I dating a Narcissist?  

Whoa.  

“What do guys mean by ‘I need space?’” – THAT I’m used to answering. But “does my boyfriend have a major personality disorder?” THIS was going to take some research… I put my brother Stephen to the task of tackling this tough topic and he’s composed a checklist of 11 (sometimes subtle) traits that can help you determine whether your guy qualifies as a Narcissist, so you can get out before you get in too deep.  

Here’s Stephen…  
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Narcissists fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.
Many disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists, sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.

Whether in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness. 

It doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.

Narcissists can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please. Sounds too good to be true, right? 

Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other people)!

What will likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together, takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and human generosity that he doesn’t show. You might not even be able to put your finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved, will tell you everything you want to hear. 

11 Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist 
How do you spot these creatures then? The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds:

    •    Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments.  
He does most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly devotional as a Justin Bieber fan.

    •    Selfishness with giving praise. 
He rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder.

    •    Every story you tell becomes a story about him. 
You’re in the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly, yours just isn’t that interesting to him.

    •    Envy. 
He is insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he is.

    •    Lack of curiosity about you. 
Your inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to.

    •    Takes credit, avoids blame. 
He takes credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how others played no role in his successes.

    •    Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you “have issues”. 
He assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting pressure on him.

    •    Ignores your plans. 
Your dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily obsession.

    •    Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great guy’. 
He only does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.

    •    Won’t assist with your projects. 
If your path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your meager projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination?

    •    Unable to apologize. 
He just cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and attack your character as a means to defend himself.  

I know nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly. But stack enough of these behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just won’t get.  

He’ll say all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will. That’s because he’s seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t match what he sees in the mirror.  

And the mirror always comes first.  

(Back to Matthew…)  
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<You> belong with a man who will cherish you, love you, and put you first in his life.

Whether you’ve been wasting your time on a bona fide Narcissist, or simply not getting your needs met by a guy who’s not living up to your standards, you deserve better.

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

4 of 20 - I am not all that

Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- We had been at Macy's for maybe 30 minutes trying to find something for him to ware at a party later that night. He was getting frustrated as things were too small, too big, too fitting, wrong color, wrong people around, wrong temperature, etc., you name it. As we are pretty much storming out after actually finding at least one shirt for him he said "I can't believe you even like shopping when you are too fat for any of the clothes anyway".

The comment hit me like a baseball bat. I know I ain't a Victoria's Secret model but I sure ain't fat! I silently cried the whole way home and he didn't acknowledge any of it.. It was heartbreaking hearing that from someone that is suppose to support you. I have lost about 15 lbs since then and he won't even give me a compliment for it. He is unable to. Completely unable to say something nice about me to me.

I can't do tasks in front of him anymore because if I do I am sure I will get a comment that I am doing something wrong - it happens every time. And just the fear of doing something wrong in front of him makes me do things wrong! In his eyes I can't cook.. so now I actually believe I can't cook - yet every time I have other people over for dinner they love my food, every single time. 

Sometimes I say things, in a sarcastic or funny way which everyone gets and laugh at. Later, when no one is around he will call me out on it. Yell at me like I insulted him, saying he is so ashamed of me for saying this or that. This happens often. Once he was so angry with me for making a joke on the behalf of his friend (that his friend even laughed out loud about) that I felt the need to apologize to his friend. When I did, his friend had no idea what I was talking about and said with a smile "I don't get offended, I am the biggest joker here, you know that!" I was relieved even though I kind of knew that was going to happen, because no one thought my joke earlier was an insult to anyone.

Later he found out that I had apologized to his friend and blew up even more. He was so angry with me that he wanted to divorce me. (I should have said yes). I still don't know why he was so angry with me for apologizing. It just does not make any sense.  

At this point I don't know what I am doing right anymore because everything I do is wrong.

3 of 20 - When aggression is routine

Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I think this is what I fear the most. This is exactly why I am afraid to say ANYTHING that goes against his ideas, ideology, and even way of acting. I can't say a thing, because what if he does turn his aggression into physical abuse? I mean, even my feelings are "wrong" in his opinion. I should be angry at stuff that I am not, I should be excited about stuff that I am not, I should not like things that I do, etc. etc...

He has never physically hurt me but if you read the 1 of 20 post from yesterday you know that he has been close. When talking about fighting others, he does so with pride. He is proud of being able to tear someone else apart with his bare hands. He is proud of hurting someone so bad that they can't get up, and he is proud for not getting caught doing it. He believes that every man (boy) should know how to fight. That he is not a man if he doesn't fight. Fighting is a sign of being a man... (maybe he was just born in the wrong century).

I must say though, that him getting involved in fights was a long time ago now, years.. but the threat is still there, he kind of make sure he advertise himself as a fighter to scare people off. He always speaks with at least a pinch of aggression and authority, even if he does not mean to. It is like his aggression is a shield to protect him... 

I have witnessed violence being used against others and felt it being used against me by him, it is routine at this point. I am, to be honest with you, afraid of my husbands temper and ultimately him. And I know others are too. It is hard for me to even put into words how much this aspect of who he is is affecting me because it is a daily thing pretty much. I get nervous automatically when he calls. I get nervous when he walks through the front door. I get nervous when we are going to do something together and with other people... Because you never know when he is going to (in my world) freak out again.

There are little things. He can freak out at the people that picks up the garbage if they don't do it on the right day. The person cutting him off in traffic better prepare for a person tailgating him/her for a while with the high beams on while the people sitting in the car with him get's to hear every bad word there is. If the waiter does not bring him his drinks on time your dinner date should just be cancelled because there is no point, he has already lost his temper. He gets angry so easily - even at things that to me are just stuff you should brush off your shoulder and move on. That it is not worth your energy to even acknowledge. It is almost like he is obsessed with it. That being angry is comfortable for him. He knows how to be that person.

Maybe that is why I am so nice to people. There always have to be a Yin to a Yang...

1 of 20 - Would you ever put your hands on me?

Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Broken Mirror by ILoveThat

I at least have one broken computer from him seeing an email I sent to his niece he didn't want me to talk to. He didn't want me to talk to anyone in his family because he felt that they had all betrayed him (a.k.a. they did not do something that he thought they should have done to show him they loved him - he discarded them in an instant, innocent or not, ALL of them). He broke my computer completely. Stepped on it, punched it, tore it apart... And I was just sitting there... terrified. I pretty much thought I was next and yet I just sat there waiting for it.

No, I never emailed his niece again... or anyone else in his family for that matter.

There was also a hole in the wall and a smashed mirror. It happened pretty recent, maybe a year ago. Thinking of it now, I can't remember why he was angry to the point he had to smash a hole in the wall. I know I was in the bedroom afraid to go out though.  It could have been me not wearing what he wanted, or picking wall color for the kitchen, or something of that sort. I really can't remember. All I know is that the remains of that hole is still there. It has been covered up but not painted yet...

Oh.. no.. the kitchen wall paint thing.. (I just remembered) for that issue he had a golf club in his hand and threatened to hit me with hit if I didn't shut up about a painting argument. We were going to paint the kitchen and had picked out the colors the day before. We were all ready to paint when he started to get angry about the fact that we were painting. He didn't think we were ready to paint because he wanted to replace the doors first. He stormed out the house and when he came back I asked him why he had not said that we weren't ready to paint yet.

In his response he made it clear that I was pushing him into painting that day. That the days and weeks before it he had been living feeling the constant pressure from me of me wanting to paint soon. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and had just given in. (I must have been a terror to live in when getting excited about finally getting another color in the kitchen).

The kitchen eventually got painted but the doors are still not replaced yet so I am glad we didn't wait for that. So, what did I do when he held his golf club telling me he was going to hit me with it? I told him to do it! "Do it" I said. Thinking at least he would pay for what he had done to me that time, no matter if I got out of it dead or alive. He would pay for that one.

He didn't hit me but the more I asked why he had not said anything about not wanting to paint the angrier he got... Finally, he went outside for a bit leaving me on the sofa in chock, still holding the golf club in his hand. I got up and watched him in the window for a bit, then I went into another room, trying to make myself busy doing whatever. He came back inside a while later and as he entered the room I was in, I set off a yelp thinking I was going to get smashed... he apologized (one of the few times he actually apologized to me) and gave me a hug and actually started to cry or wanted to cry.. I don't think there was any tears. I told him to never do that to me ever again.

...And I forgave him.  

In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!