Monday, June 30, 2014

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

Friday, June 27, 2014

10 of 20 - I feel like I have to live a secret life to even survive

Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-Well, I'm married to my Loser and not just dating him, which makes this slightly different, but not much. At this point I have almost lost all of my friends. I only talk to people he pretty much approve of, at least in front of him. I have friends at work and I don't let them interact with him because it is not a good combo. To him my work is just a place I work and not a place I keep friends. In his opinion I cannot have friends at work because they would not be real friends, however he can have friends at work...

Let's look at the phone situation: He believes that because of what I do for a living, sitting by a computer most of the time, I should be able to answer the phone 24/7 no matter what. If I don't answer the phone, especially on a business trip he gets very frustrated. Everything gets tuned up when I am away. When I am away I need to send him signs of love constantly. That means call him constantly and answer the phone no matter what. If I don't he let's me know that he is going to contact a lawyer and start the divorce process. The strange part is that we never have anything to talk about when we are on the phone... But I guess he is trying to keep me occupied talking to him, or holding the phone against my ear that I can't interact with other people or even read a book.

I honestly cannot do anything when he is around. It is if I know he will think I am doing something wrong and then, I will do something wrong. When we go out he can flip out about how I am having my hair styled or what I am wearing and other times he says he does not care. It is very confusing and anxiety triggering. While out I keep my mouth shut most of the time. I let him do the talking. It is best that way.. because when I talk I might say something that he does not agree with and he might lose his temper and that is a scene to hide! I don't want anyone to have to see or put up with his temper, anger, or controlling issues.

I don't really want to see them either but rather me than anyone else. However - soon I'll be out too. I have to.

Monday, June 23, 2014

9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

Thursday, June 19, 2014

8 of 20 - Trying to get MY friends on HIS side

Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!" 
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

We haven't broken up anytime during our relationship. I have thought about it many times thou and I know he has threaten me with it but never sure if he would actually want to. But when we are having difficulties, or I should say; when he is so depressed over that he can't control me, which is when he does not feel that I love him... He will actually reach out to my friends to try to get them to talk to me.

He will try to get them to tell me how wonderful he is and how I should treat him.. I get disgusted just thinking about it. Thankfully they are always on my side!

I wish I had saved something he posted on Facebook not long ago.. but it was something regarding how a wife should be - and all it did was point out the household and sexually chores... It was absolutely insane. I sat next to my best friend when she read it out load to me... It is gone now, I don't know why he removed it... I know why he put it up there.. To get likes and agreement for treating me like a thing rather then a human being with a heart and soul..  

Do you dare to love yourself first?

A friend just shared this with me from a Domestic Violence class she had been to and I wanted to share it with you all too.

For me is it so true and so valid but one thing that keeps popping up in my head when reading it is time... I still want babies and I am in my 30's. How much can I afford to wait?

"Survivors need to focus on developing a relationship with themselves first before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are, not what they think men are looking for. Remember, women who have been abused have spent a long time trying to be the person another person demanded rather than the genuine person that they are. In the process, most survivors have lost track of their own personalities and need to take the time to rediscover who they really are. The person who deserves the most kindness and compassion is you.

During this phase, the survivor must learn how to talk to herself with a new vocabulary. Every time she hears that little voice in her head saying, "That was stupid." or, "You made another mistake." she needs to retrain herself to say, "Well, you are a smart woman who made a mistake, it is okay." or, "You did so many other good things today, you have really made great progress." Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk is one of the first steps toward establishing a good relationship with yourself. 

A good "rule of thumb" when you make a minor mistake is to think of it in relative terms. If you forget to thaw something out for dinner, for instance, think about it relative to how you would react if a friend did the same thing. If a friend told you that she forgot to thaw something out for dinner, would you criticize her? On the other hand, would you tell her that it was not a big deal? If you would see it as a minor mistake that would not bother you because she is a great friend, then you should give yourself the same credit!  Always be at least as good to yourself, and forgiving of yourself, as you would be to your best friend!"

Friday, June 13, 2014

7 of 20 - I'm sorry it is all my fault - I think but I am not sure, you confuse me.

It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

This mind-twisting game is what is getting to me the most. Every time we have an argument or disagreement even, he has an incredible ability to twist anything and everything I say into something completely different. He even twists my actions into something completely different.

Me working extra hours to get more money to pay bills is not seen as me helping out. He sees it as me not catering to his needs and requirements. (huh???) Yet in the next breath he is concern about how much bills we have...

For the longest time I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Because most of the time after an argument he had pretty much convinced me that I was the one that had done something wrong and he had the right to act anyway he pleased. That I should appreciate that he has the "balls" to set me straight and teach me how I should act and what I should say. And ultimately what and how I should think...I should appreciate that...

I am not saying I am perfect. I do make mistakes all the time, just ask him. But at what point does a missed phone call calls for verbal abuse? Or when does a headband calls for having hangers being broken and thrown in your direction? When?

One time we were heading out for dinner and I wanted to get something in the mail before it was going to be picked up. I walked out of the house with the mail in my hand and stopped to talk to a neighbor who just walked by with his two dogs. He had recently gotten home from the hospital due to a pretty serious injury and I wanted to see how he was doing. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and then I left for the post office. I was probably back at the house within 30 minutes but before I had gotten home He had left. He was FURIOUS. There was no way to calm him down. I was late, even if I didn't have a time to watch. I had prioritized the letter before him... and he didn't want to eat dinner with me anymore. He didn't return until really late that night after yelling at me on the phone multiple times threatening with divorce.

It was all my fault. Always is. Always will be.
What I am saying is that mistakes are being made every day. But to abuse someone for making them and making the person feel that they deserve the abuse is beyond WRONG.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

5 of 20 - I am just lonely

Cutting Off Your Support. In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- This was easy. My whole family lives in Europe. He got that taken care of when I moved to the US. Not that he forced me or anything like that. I wanted to move. I do believe I was meant to live here for some of my life and I still do, I am not meant to leave yet no matter how much I miss my family and friends... I  have a purpose here still. 

However, he will discourage me to hang out with my friends here. He never wants to hang around my friends. If there is an after-work event or even a party over the weekend I feel like I have to lie or decline the invitation. If I lie and go I can never stay long. The only time I spend time with my work colleagues after work hours is if we are traveling together or he is away and I don't have to declare every minute of my day. It is the only way for me to go and enjoy it.

He does not always say no to me going but will make a big deal out of me leaving him alone, trying to play into my conscience. "What am I going to do then", "What am I going to eat", "Who will keep me company".. etc. See, he has pushed his friends away so he always have to recruit new ones on a bi-yearly basis I would say. So normally he does not have anyone to call and hang out with, and I don't even feel he wants to.

Last year I did a mud run with some of the people I work with, and we had dinner afterwards. In the middle of the dinner he calls and I ignore it, sending a text saying I will leave in a little bit and will call when I do. I called maybe 30 minutes later as I was driving away and he is screaming like the house is on fire. "How can you spend time with these people, you don't even know them!" and "They are not your f%#ing friends, you are stupid for thinking that!" 

Huh?? I work with them. I care for them and I know they care for me too. We actually have fun together! I rather spend time with them than YOU you Loser!

He has already won this fight. Because at this point I have stopped getting invitations from people at work. They know I will say no and my friends outside of work consist of two people. And their husbands are tired of hanging out with my husband since he is so "intense".

"God is with me and will keep me wherever I may go" ~ Genesis 28:15

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

4 of 20 - I am not all that

Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser
by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- We had been at Macy's for maybe 30 minutes trying to find something for him to ware at a party later that night. He was getting frustrated as things were too small, too big, too fitting, wrong color, wrong people around, wrong temperature, etc., you name it. As we are pretty much storming out after actually finding at least one shirt for him he said "I can't believe you even like shopping when you are too fat for any of the clothes anyway".

The comment hit me like a baseball bat. I know I ain't a Victoria's Secret model but I sure ain't fat! I silently cried the whole way home and he didn't acknowledge any of it.. It was heartbreaking hearing that from someone that is suppose to support you. I have lost about 15 lbs since then and he won't even give me a compliment for it. He is unable to. Completely unable to say something nice about me to me.

I can't do tasks in front of him anymore because if I do I am sure I will get a comment that I am doing something wrong - it happens every time. And just the fear of doing something wrong in front of him makes me do things wrong! In his eyes I can't cook.. so now I actually believe I can't cook - yet every time I have other people over for dinner they love my food, every single time. 

Sometimes I say things, in a sarcastic or funny way which everyone gets and laugh at. Later, when no one is around he will call me out on it. Yell at me like I insulted him, saying he is so ashamed of me for saying this or that. This happens often. Once he was so angry with me for making a joke on the behalf of his friend (that his friend even laughed out loud about) that I felt the need to apologize to his friend. When I did, his friend had no idea what I was talking about and said with a smile "I don't get offended, I am the biggest joker here, you know that!" I was relieved even though I kind of knew that was going to happen, because no one thought my joke earlier was an insult to anyone.

Later he found out that I had apologized to his friend and blew up even more. He was so angry with me that he wanted to divorce me. (I should have said yes). I still don't know why he was so angry with me for apologizing. It just does not make any sense.  

At this point I don't know what I am doing right anymore because everything I do is wrong.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

3 of 20 - When aggression is routine

Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I think this is what I fear the most. This is exactly why I am afraid to say ANYTHING that goes against his ideas, ideology, and even way of acting. I can't say a thing, because what if he does turn his aggression into physical abuse? I mean, even my feelings are "wrong" in his opinion. I should be angry at stuff that I am not, I should be excited about stuff that I am not, I should not like things that I do, etc. etc...

He has never physically hurt me but if you read the 1 of 20 post from yesterday you know that he has been close. When talking about fighting others, he does so with pride. He is proud of being able to tear someone else apart with his bare hands. He is proud of hurting someone so bad that they can't get up, and he is proud for not getting caught doing it. He believes that every man (boy) should know how to fight. That he is not a man if he doesn't fight. Fighting is a sign of being a man... (maybe he was just born in the wrong century).

I must say though, that him getting involved in fights was a long time ago now, years.. but the threat is still there, he kind of make sure he advertise himself as a fighter to scare people off. He always speaks with at least a pinch of aggression and authority, even if he does not mean to. It is like his aggression is a shield to protect him... 

I have witnessed violence being used against others and felt it being used against me by him, it is routine at this point. I am, to be honest with you, afraid of my husbands temper and ultimately him. And I know others are too. It is hard for me to even put into words how much this aspect of who he is is affecting me because it is a daily thing pretty much. I get nervous automatically when he calls. I get nervous when he walks through the front door. I get nervous when we are going to do something together and with other people... Because you never know when he is going to (in my world) freak out again.

There are little things. He can freak out at the people that picks up the garbage if they don't do it on the right day. The person cutting him off in traffic better prepare for a person tailgating him/her for a while with the high beams on while the people sitting in the car with him get's to hear every bad word there is. If the waiter does not bring him his drinks on time your dinner date should just be cancelled because there is no point, he has already lost his temper. He gets angry so easily - even at things that to me are just stuff you should brush off your shoulder and move on. That it is not worth your energy to even acknowledge. It is almost like he is obsessed with it. That being angry is comfortable for him. He knows how to be that person.

Maybe that is why I am so nice to people. There always have to be a Yin to a Yang...

Monday, June 2, 2014

2 of 20 - Just not him

Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I will have to say that out of the 20 "The Loser" signs that I will be writing about in the next few weeks this one, he does not comply with. And it makes me think --- how on earth did I fall for this guy if there wasn't a honeymoon phase, where he would drown me in compliments and gifts - or something?!!!

Ok.. let me take a step back... There were nice nights in hotel rooms, good dinners, cozy movie watching where I actually got to pick movies, awesome sex, good conversations, he would even come to the mall with me and my best friend waiting for us to get our nails done. He was sweet but not overly persuasive.

To be honest I don't know why I continued to see him - I was never "in love" with him. But I was interested in him. He was different. (Oh Boy was he different... however not the type of different I was looking for as a lifetime partner.)

He would tell me I was good at a lot of things, especially in front of his friends but that soon changed.. To tell you the truth - I was the first person to say "I Love You". I said it even though he had already started to treated me badly - and he didn't say it back to me when I said it.

These days he think that "I love you" from his mouth is enough signs to let me know that he does in fact love me, unconditionally, and despite how horrible I am as a person....

1 of 20 - Would you ever put your hands on me?

Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Broken Mirror by ILoveThat
I at least have one broken computer from him seeing an email I sent to his niece he didn't want me to talk to. He didn't want me to talk to anyone in his family because he felt that they had all betrayed him (a.k.a. they did not do something that he thought they should have done to show him they loved him - he discarded them in an instant, innocent or not, ALL of them). He broke my computer completely. Stepped on it, punched it, tore it apart... And I was just sitting there... terrified. I pretty much thought I was next and yet I just sat there waiting for it.

No, I never emailed his niece again... or anyone else in his family for that matter.

There was also a hole in the wall and a smashed mirror. It happened pretty recent, maybe a year ago. Thinking of it now, I can't remember why he was angry to the point he had to smash a hole in the wall. I know I was in the bedroom afraid to go out though.  It could have been me not wearing what he wanted, or picking wall color for the kitchen, or something of that sort. I really can't remember. All I know is that the remains of that hole is still there. It has been covered up but not painted yet...

Oh.. no.. the kitchen wall paint thing.. (I just remembered) for that issue he had a golf club in his hand and threatened to hit me with hit if I didn't shut up about a painting argument. We were going to paint the kitchen and had picked out the colors the day before. We were all ready to paint when he started to get angry about the fact that we were painting. He didn't think we were ready to paint because he wanted to replace the doors first. He stormed out the house and when he came back I asked him why he had not said that we weren't ready to paint yet.

In his response he made it clear that I was pushing him into painting that day. That the days and weeks before it he had been living feeling the constant pressure from me of me wanting to paint soon. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and had just given in. (I must have been a terror to live in when getting excited about finally getting another color in the kitchen).

The kitchen eventually got painted but the doors are still not replaced yet so I am glad we didn't wait for that. So, what did I do when he held his golf club telling me he was going to hit me with it? I told him to do it! "Do it" I said. Thinking at least he would pay for what he had done to me that time, no matter if I got out of it dead or alive. He would pay for that one.

He didn't hit me but the more I asked why he had not said anything about not wanting to paint the angrier he got... Finally, he went outside for a bit leaving me on the sofa in chock, still holding the golf club in his hand. I got up and watched him in the window for a bit, then I went into another room, trying to make myself busy doing whatever. He came back inside a while later and as he entered the room I was in, I set off a yelp thinking I was going to get smashed... he apologized (one of the few times he actually apologized to me) and gave me a hug and actually started to cry or wanted to cry.. I don't think there was any tears. I told him to never do that to me ever again.

...And I forgave him.  

Sunday, June 1, 2014

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen.