Summer back side

I rather be alone wishing I was with someone,

than with someone wishing I was alone... 

I think I have been going through a lot of this lately. Feeling lonely... I try to snap myself out of it by reminding myself where I was a year ago. But in essence it is not that easy. Loneliness comes when it wants to come and it doesn't matter what last year looked like.

You would think, that since I rarely get invitations to do stuff these days as my friend circle is tiny where I live, I would jump at any excuse to hang out and socialize - because I LOVE that! But in a depressive state of mind - as my loneliness resembles - I can come up with far more reasons not to go.

Then, every day life feels so heavy these days too (probably also because of the darn depressive state of mind). Work sucks much of my spirit away from me currently that I have very little energy left for when I am not working. Resting and sleeping becomes very important to me when I get a chance. So the balance of resting and hanging out is a struggle for me... And it probably sounds pathetic.. but that's where I am...  

Under the blanket

"...After a conversation about divorce where my husband brought up all the religious reasons I cannot divorce, I crawled in bed and sobbed. I felt like a bad person for even entertaining the idea of leaving. And I went through those addresses from the church leaders about marriage. All of them go right along with what my husband was saying. In fact, he was so happy the next morning it was almost like he felt like he had won the debate and had a whole entire religious organization to back him up.

I literally begged God to just take my life. I couldn't do it anymore..."

Blanket of Love from RedBubble.com

- I just want to sneak into your bedroom, uncover the blankets you are hiding under and hold you, tell you things will be ok. Slowly drag you out of there while your trust for me grows. Hold your hands until you are really on your feet, no matter if that takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... etc. That is what I want to do for you right now.

I felt despair when I read it. My heart is breaking for you. The pain you feel is what I felt and I know it so well. It reminds me of why I cannot go back (so for that I am thankful)... because I would be right there in bed under the covers myself. Paralyzed by fear of all kinds. Making my full time job be to think of ways not to upset him or poke the sleeping bear. Be a puppet in his show reacting to his motion and never create any of my own... out of fear.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling and it is working well to keep us trapped under that blanket. We create guilt for ourselves and let other people shower us with guilt. It is easy when there is no self-esteem left to just take it in and let it grow. We almost don't know how to function without the guilt. And sitting here on the other side today, I have no idea when this guilt will disappear. Maybe as we start to regain our own self-esteem and some self confidence...
 

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

5 of 20 - I am just lonely

Cutting Off Your Support. In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- This was easy. My whole family lives in Europe. He got that taken care of when I moved to the US. Not that he forced me or anything like that. I wanted to move. I do believe I was meant to live here for some of my life and I still do, I am not meant to leave yet no matter how much I miss my family and friends... I  have a purpose here still. 

However, he will discourage me to hang out with my friends here. He never wants to hang around my friends. If there is an after-work event or even a party over the weekend I feel like I have to lie or decline the invitation. If I lie and go I can never stay long. The only time I spend time with my work colleagues after work hours is if we are traveling together or he is away and I don't have to declare every minute of my day. It is the only way for me to go and enjoy it.

He does not always say no to me going but will make a big deal out of me leaving him alone, trying to play into my conscience. "What am I going to do then", "What am I going to eat", "Who will keep me company".. etc. See, he has pushed his friends away so he always have to recruit new ones on a bi-yearly basis I would say. So normally he does not have anyone to call and hang out with, and I don't even feel he wants to.

Last year I did a mud run with some of the people I work with, and we had dinner afterwards. In the middle of the dinner he calls and I ignore it, sending a text saying I will leave in a little bit and will call when I do. I called maybe 30 minutes later as I was driving away and he is screaming like the house is on fire. "How can you spend time with these people, you don't even know them!" and "They are not your f%#ing friends, you are stupid for thinking that!" 

Huh?? I work with them. I care for them and I know they care for me too. We actually have fun together! I rather spend time with them than YOU you Loser!

He has already won this fight. Because at this point I have stopped getting invitations from people at work. They know I will say no and my friends outside of work consist of two people. And their husbands are tired of hanging out with my husband since he is so "intense".

 

"God is with me and will keep me wherever I may go" ~ Genesis 28:15

4 of 20 - I am not all that

Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- We had been at Macy's for maybe 30 minutes trying to find something for him to ware at a party later that night. He was getting frustrated as things were too small, too big, too fitting, wrong color, wrong people around, wrong temperature, etc., you name it. As we are pretty much storming out after actually finding at least one shirt for him he said "I can't believe you even like shopping when you are too fat for any of the clothes anyway".

The comment hit me like a baseball bat. I know I ain't a Victoria's Secret model but I sure ain't fat! I silently cried the whole way home and he didn't acknowledge any of it.. It was heartbreaking hearing that from someone that is suppose to support you. I have lost about 15 lbs since then and he won't even give me a compliment for it. He is unable to. Completely unable to say something nice about me to me.

I can't do tasks in front of him anymore because if I do I am sure I will get a comment that I am doing something wrong - it happens every time. And just the fear of doing something wrong in front of him makes me do things wrong! In his eyes I can't cook.. so now I actually believe I can't cook - yet every time I have other people over for dinner they love my food, every single time. 

Sometimes I say things, in a sarcastic or funny way which everyone gets and laugh at. Later, when no one is around he will call me out on it. Yell at me like I insulted him, saying he is so ashamed of me for saying this or that. This happens often. Once he was so angry with me for making a joke on the behalf of his friend (that his friend even laughed out loud about) that I felt the need to apologize to his friend. When I did, his friend had no idea what I was talking about and said with a smile "I don't get offended, I am the biggest joker here, you know that!" I was relieved even though I kind of knew that was going to happen, because no one thought my joke earlier was an insult to anyone.

Later he found out that I had apologized to his friend and blew up even more. He was so angry with me that he wanted to divorce me. (I should have said yes). I still don't know why he was so angry with me for apologizing. It just does not make any sense.  

At this point I don't know what I am doing right anymore because everything I do is wrong.

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

We don't live by the same rules

We actually talked last week about the future.
I have been wanting to have this conversation for a while now but have been so darn afraid to start it that I would have an anxiety attack by the shear thought of it. Not that anyone would ever notice, but inside a calm surface I would deal with a racing heartbeat, wanting to vomit, and not being able to eat. 
 
After a talk things are always a little calmer. I kind of feel like I can take a deep breath, even if the talk itself never brings me any deeper satisfaction. But sooner or later that anxiety creeps up on me. Just by me waiting for him to blow up again about something I did wrong. Because it will happen, sooner or later.

Last week's talk was calmer than I had expected. But I was still not able to communicate my emotions and needs. I once again got to hear that my main task was to take care of him. Cook, clean, do laundry etc before I could enjoy myself... But to me it seems like I would never be "done" to be able to enjoy myself. I think for him, there would always be something else that needed to be done...

(...Things I would enjoy would be to visit with my friends (without a curfew), go shopping without him looking at all the receipt, paint, do arts and craft, take dance or horseback riding classes, etc... But I can't because there is always something that goes before my happiness - his happiness even though I cannot ever please him. On the other hand, he left the house when he was suppose to work on the basement to go play golf because "it was more important than the basement" - his own words.)

In the middle of a conversation like that I start to think, that yes.. maybe that is how I am supposed to be.. I have to tend to his needs first... It is really not that hard to cook, clean and do laundry (which I DO do just not when he thinks it should be done I guess)... I can't function. I just sit there, paralyzed, and in the end agrees with him and once again start to think that I am the horrible person. That I never do anything right. That I am neglecting him. That I cannot love. That I am the one with crazy demands and unrealistic dreams about love and relationships...

...But then the next morning I wake up and shake my head thinking "no way... that can't be how a normal relationship works, it just can't be. And on top of it shouldn't he care about my happiness too" Me doing that (anything he asks) for him and getting nothing in return will never fix things. Never.

Am I completely wrong?
Am I too self centered?
Am I too stubborn?
Am I the narcissist? 
One thing I know for sure is that I am loosing my mind, slowly but surely!

Letter to him

When we first met, eight years ago now, I was a happy person. I was full of life and had little fears. I had just moved far away on my own, without anyone I knew... I knew I could do it because the adventure would be worth more than the fear I felt initially. If I even felt fear. I think it was just excitement.

We met about 2 months after I had moved. I remember that I never noticed your angry side when we spent our first months together. Or perhaps you never showed it to me back then. I kept being playful - Yes! Playful is the right word! I was playful. Enjoyed everything. I worked hard and played hard. I even slept hard :)

That was eight years ago...

Time with you slowly turned me into someone else. It didn't happen over night and I did go through some very heavy periods where I was actually physically sick that probably contributed to my changed personality too. But the illness is gone now, I know it is. It left a few years ago.

I cannot have been easy to live with when I was sick. The times I thought I was going to die. The times I could do nothing but cry for everything and nothing. I am sorry if those moments confused you. Made you worried and even annoyed with me. I am sure they even made you hate me a little, if only for a moment.

I became fat too. That you hated. You told me I was fat. You told me I wasn't pretty anymore. Maybe not in those words, but you did in your own way.

I did everything I could to lose weight. I woke up early in the morning to exercise. I went on every diet I could think of in the fight to lose it and be "pretty" again. Like the girl you married. But I was sick and my body was not budging. It could not focus on losing weight. It needed to survive as my adrenals was shutting down - I found out about two years after I first became sick. Losing weight was not the solution... but that didn't matter. Not to you.

What was most hurtful during that time was that I never felt you were interested in what was going on with me. You never wanted to help me. You never wanted to understand what you could do to help me. Maybe you were afraid too? I don't know. And the funny part is that I didn't understand that until I met an old friend of mine and he started to ask questions. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if there was something he should not offer me as far as food for example. He cared and I had not seen him in years. We spent a few hours together, catching up like old friends do... and he wanted to know. When he first asked, I remember stopping for a second and thought to myself "what?" I looked up at him just to see if he was joking. But his face looked sincere and actually concerned.

I realized then that I was very alone with you. Even if you were right next to me. I was alone.

Last year was the last year I spent on emptying out everything left of the old playful girl from eight years ago. I became completely empty. I now feel nothing. You stole my soul away from me.

I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel love.
I don't feel friendship.
I don't feel fear.
I don't feel ANYTHING. Anything but emptiness.
I feel nothing. -Is that to feel something?

I can't even cry over you anymore like I used to. I used to cry when you got angry, when you hurt my feelings, and when you scared me. I don't have any tears left for you.

But... I forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will not stay with you, but I will forgive you.

Since this year, people in my life - new friends, old friends, and family members have started to rebuild my soul. They don't know it yet but I will tell them one day what they have done for me. They are starting to fill my soul with happiness, love, and friendship. Those things you took from me.
I will be ok again. I will be playful again.

From your soon to be ex wife...

I love my Angels

I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.

This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...

I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.

God does love me.

Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.  

Help me God.