I have been wanting to have this conversation for a while now but have been so darn afraid to start it that I would have an anxiety attack by the shear thought of it. Not that anyone would ever notice, but inside a calm surface I would deal with a racing heartbeat, wanting to vomit, and not being able to eat.
After a talk things are always a little calmer. I kind of feel like I can take a deep breath, even if the talk itself never brings me any deeper satisfaction. But sooner or later that anxiety creeps up on me. Just by me waiting for him to blow up again about something I did wrong. Because it will happen, sooner or later.
Last week's talk was calmer than I had expected. But I was still not able to communicate my emotions and needs. I once again got to hear that my main task was to take care of him. Cook, clean, do laundry etc before I could enjoy myself... But to me it seems like I would never be "done" to be able to enjoy myself. I think for him, there would always be something else that needed to be done...
(...Things I would enjoy would be to visit with my friends (without a curfew), go shopping without him looking at all the receipt, paint, do arts and craft, take dance or horseback riding classes, etc... But I can't because there is always something that goes before my happiness - his happiness even though I cannot ever please him. On the other hand, he left the house when he was suppose to work on the basement to go play golf because "it was more important than the basement" - his own words.)
In the middle of a conversation like that I start to think, that yes.. maybe that is how I am supposed to be.. I have to tend to his needs first... It is really not that hard to cook, clean and do laundry (which I DO do just not when he thinks it should be done I guess)... I can't function. I just sit there, paralyzed, and in the end agrees with him and once again start to think that I am the horrible person. That I never do anything right. That I am neglecting him. That I cannot love. That I am the one with crazy demands and unrealistic dreams about love and relationships...
...But then the next morning I wake up and shake my head thinking "no way... that can't be how a normal relationship works, it just can't be. And on top of it shouldn't he care about my happiness too" Me doing that (anything he asks) for him and getting nothing in return will never fix things. Never.
Am I completely wrong?
Am I too self centered?
Am I too stubborn?
Am I the narcissist?
One thing I know for sure is that I am loosing my mind, slowly but surely!