Thursday, May 29, 2014

There is love in my life

I am numb and tears are just sitting behind my eyes wanting to come out. I struggle to hold them in and to not let my voice break.

I have two moms, my biological mom and my "American" mom. I love them both but have a completely different relationship with both of them. My mom is my mom. She has always been my mom. I am not friends with my mom; she is my mom. I see many of my friends having lunch dates and one on one time with their moms. I don't. I don't know why.. it just never happens. I love her still and I know she loves me. I guess we are different and can't spend too much time together without getting on each others nerves. I guess that is normal. Sometimes I feel I need to take care of my mom as she has been sick for many years and has never really taken care of herself. She is so incredible unselfish that you almost have to force her to do things she enjoys. She is getting better though.

My American mom and me are close. I don't see her very often but she became my American mom when I was 17 as I was living in this country for the first time and I was living with her and my American dad. I just got off the phone with her and that made me think about writing this post. How much I love my moms and how much they mean to me. But also how much I keep from them right now to spear them to be worried. I am keeping conversations about them, not me... because if I did I would break apart and cry forever.

None of my moms know what is going on. I am afraid to tell them. I am afraid it will hurt them when I do and I also want to tell them when I am out of it. When I am on the other side - in my happy zone, or have at least taken all the decisions I need to make so I can present a clear plan or something like that. I don't want to tell them anything and then make them worried and then not dare to follow through with it.. I can't do that to them.

But in reality I just want to have them here with me. To hold my hand when I walk through this. But they are both so far away. And you all know how it is to try to help someone far away.. It is just hard! And it is hard to accept help from a distance in this way. I don't know what to do.. I just want to pray, cry, and sleep...

But in the end of the day - I am so lucky to have not only one mom, but TWO! Two that I LOVE and know that they love me. I miss them every day!

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