Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It didn't happen it was just locker room talk

When abuse is invisible…

When abuse doesn't have proof…
When abuse doesn't have witnesses…

It didn't happen…

When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…
When the abuser is nice to some…
When the abuser say it didn't happen…

It didn't happen…

More than ever before, these are things we are hearing on a daily basis. And while it is important to have a discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. While people in general are against abuse (I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.

It shouldn't be “it is terrible this happened, but…” or “he said it, he didn't do anything”, or “It was locker room talk”, or… you fill out the rest.

I will make a short political statement here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion, sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees, our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right?

Or was it all for one?
Did I get it all mixed up?

Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or ignorant – that is ok – you have that right.  Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “locker room talk” it wasn't just talk to me.

The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know, my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no to drinking water from his own glass.  

The second time wasn't much different. We were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy, and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously. He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as he got in the car to leave…

That happened. That happened to me. But since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so.

Women aren’t coming forward now because it is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who have, just like me, been hiding from what that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened… That is why they are speaking up.

You see… abusers may abuse in different ways but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”. How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault. Ever.

What to make America Great Again?
How about NOT building a wall that is smelling very similar to the Berlin wall.
How about NOT preventing people from entering the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II became such a big devastation for humankind.
How about NOT hating people that doesn’t come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity.
How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. 

How about SMILING at your neighbor
How about SAYING HI to a stranger
How about OFFER A HAND to a friend
How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in case you never get another chance
How about LISTENING to someone that needs someone to talk to
How about TRUSTING what is morally right

Sending you all love 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Dating after abuse

Dating after abuse is a subject I never thought would be as tricky as it has been.
If you have been following my blog throughout my struggle you might remember that last year I felt like I had met The One. And, I must say that I still think he is The One however, it didn't work out in our favor… At least not for right now. Don’t worry I don’t cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, nor do I sit and stare at my phone hoping he will call or text me a simple “hello”.  Those days have passed… I don’t do that for a guy anymore.

Just looking back at these two years I have had plenty of dating experiences.
The first short relationship I ended up in was a 3 month long rebound. 100% rebound. Did I know it at the time? Heck no! I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. The man that could outweigh all the bad. He was amazing on so many levels in my eyes. Smart, handsome, tall, had an understanding about the world outside of his town/religion/color/etc, loved kids, the way he would hold me, and on and on. Like really – the Perfect Man! So, what happened? Well… I couldn't handle a perfect man! I didn't understand why he was so nice and helpful all the time. I didn't understand why he cooked dinner all the time while he asked me to just sip some wine in the living room. I didn't understand how I could be pleased without reciprocation. I didn't get it… And it made me insecure! I laugh at it now but it was STRANGE to say the least. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for ONE thing – to RECEIVE all of this goodness.  So it didn't last.

After the perfect man I ended up in an open long-distant relationship/friendship with a man I had met on a business trip. He had been my emotional compass throughout my process of leaving. He was the one checking in on me. We were dating but we were also both dating other people. It may sound strange now, but at the time it felt like the perfect scenario. Even if I was longing for the perfect man (a new perfect man LOL) I had also realized that I wasn't really ready. I needed to see what was out there. Learn to know myself...

The spring and summer of 2015 went by with random dates and visits to Mr Long-distant Guy. It was a great summer. My physical needs were met. I had a place to stay. I had food. I had an income. And, I had sex. Emotionally I was disconnected. Emotionally I was frozen. I didn't feel safe yet to let anyone in. At least not a guy, because who knows… he might just be an abuser in disguise. So I shut a lot of guys out before they even had the chance to see me again. It worked.

Then, The One appeared at the end of the summer of 2015. I was nonchalant with him too. I wasn't going to let him in. But then, on the third date something happened. My stomach started to flutter, sparkle, twinkle as I saw him come walking towards me. I honestly asked myself what the heck was going on. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't. The way he would literally ignite my soul was so new to me. I had this “OMG! This is how it feels like to fall in love” thoughts come flushing over me constantly. Previously, I had thought that maybe I wasn't capable of feeling those feelings. He made me feel like there was fireworks going off every time he crossed my mind, he held my hand, or whatever. I couldn't believe it. But I sure as heck was feeling it. I knew. I just knew…

It only lasted 4 months. And it was painful when it was no more. More painful when I realized he had another girl friend just a few months later. But despite the pain, the spark he ignited in my soul is still lit. I know what love feels like now, and that is a miracle in itself.

After the painful breakup I was determined to move on. I found someone else. It was online and before I opened the app I asked the Universe to bring me a man I would love to hang out with. And the Universe delivered. I met someone else. His smile was/is to die for! We could speak for hours over the phone and he came from an abusive past so we really had a lot of similarities. We lived 2 hours away from each other so we only met on weekends mostly. After our first two months together however I started to feel like something was missing, I just couldn't pin-point what it was yet. He seemed to be very into me and we did have fun together so I kept at it. And come on… his smile… To. Die. For. No. Joke. We also shared so many ideas about business that it seemed like too good to be true sometimes. He got me and my business. I got him and his business. 

But… yeah, you could feel it coming couldn't you?!… the “but”. He started to pull away. Not showing up to our weekends together. Stuck talking about himself. And it was just not a good feeling. I realized I was holding on to him not only because of his smile but because of the pain I saw him still be in. I believed I could help him out. I knew I could. However that is not the job of anyone. So the more I tried to “be there” for him the more he pulled away, until it all blew up in my face. I don’t blame anyone for the blow-up, I just see that we weren't a good match at this time. He had more releasing to do on his end from his past then I did and he wasn't ready to open up. He was me a year ago pretty much. So our nine month long on-and-off relationship ended. I still love his smile but realize he has to fight his own battles.

At this point in the story we are here. Current time. And, I have met someone else. Someone that pretty much took The One off my mind. Is he the new The One?! You may wonder… No he is not.. but he is another soul-mate connection. (I believe in multiple soul-mates). And right now I am figuring out what our relationship is and what it can be…

So from Perfect man, to Mr Long-Distant, to The One, to Smiles, to Soulmate… and let’s be honest a few other I didn’t even mention in between – I have learned a lot about stuff.
Love. Relationship. My likes and dislikes. And I have learned about Me.

I have learned that I deserve kindness, that I deserve to receive, that I can only help myself, that a relationship is mutual respect and love, that I am allowed to speak up, that I am allowed to feel differently, that I am allowed to ask for what I want, that I am allowed to be treated with nice “things”, that I am allowed to be protected, and that I don’t need to sit around waiting for a guy. That I am the first person I need to be in a relationship with – now and forever.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

What two years can do

It has been two years now.

Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...

When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.

I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...

Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do.  

Two years and life gets better and better...