Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It didn't happen it was just locker room talk

When abuse is invisible…

When abuse doesn't have proof…
When abuse doesn't have witnesses…

It didn't happen…

When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…
When the abuser is nice to some…
When the abuser say it didn't happen…

It didn't happen…

More than ever before, these are things we are hearing on a daily basis. And while it is important to have a discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. While people in general are against abuse (I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.

It shouldn't be “it is terrible this happened, but…” or “he said it, he didn't do anything”, or “It was locker room talk”, or… you fill out the rest.

I will make a short political statement here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion, sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees, our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right?

Or was it all for one?
Did I get it all mixed up?

Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or ignorant – that is ok – you have that right.  Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “locker room talk” it wasn't just talk to me.

The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know, my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no to drinking water from his own glass.  

The second time wasn't much different. We were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy, and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously. He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as he got in the car to leave…

That happened. That happened to me. But since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so.

Women aren’t coming forward now because it is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who have, just like me, been hiding from what that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened… That is why they are speaking up.

You see… abusers may abuse in different ways but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”. How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault. Ever.

What to make America Great Again?
How about NOT building a wall that is smelling very similar to the Berlin wall.
How about NOT preventing people from entering the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II became such a big devastation for humankind.
How about NOT hating people that doesn’t come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity.
How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. 

How about SMILING at your neighbor
How about SAYING HI to a stranger
How about OFFER A HAND to a friend
How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in case you never get another chance
How about LISTENING to someone that needs someone to talk to
How about TRUSTING what is morally right

Sending you all love 

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