Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

One year of Freedom

“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear…”

As I today celebrate my 1 year anniversary of freedom, “Happy Independence day” as my sister just texted me earlier, I think back to those days leading up to my exit and the days after. I am not sure which days and emotions were the worst to deal with: The fear and anxiety prior to leaving or the guilt about having left, fear of going back, and wondering how this is all going to go… but they were all swirls of black… yet I sometimes think I got out so “easy” compared to many others.

I am here to try to inspire you who are still in wishing to get out, with the truth behind the above quote “everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear”.

You want an understanding and loving husband/boy friend – he is out there. You want a life away from fear and walking on eggshells – close that door behind you. You want your children to grow up in a safe and loving environment – bring them with you. You want to be able to wear whatever you want when you go out – open up the closet. You want to engage in hobbies and interests because you love it - J no one will stop you. You want to chit chat with your best friend into early morning giggling yourself to sleep – invite her over. You want a backside day where you eat dessert before dinner and wear PJs until 9PM – the kids will love it...

All of that and so much more is within reach as long as we are able to work through the guilt and fear. The guilt and fear are conditional feelings we have been taught to feel by our abusers. It is not how the real world looks outside of our own little reality. That reality when absolutely nothing is easy. Everything has a condition or a side effect. That is not life, that is life in prison under supervision. Your life will never really flourish when you are in that prison. It will always be dark, or have hints of darkness… Most people that try to stay will tell of this truth.

Being out has its struggles, yes, but we are talking about struggles that don’t have to end up in fear, anxiety, and guilt. Normal day-to-day struggles. “what color shoes should I wear today”, “oh shiit, I forgot to get milk and eggs yesterday” etc. It’s never about I think he might kill/harass/hit/ridicule me, or give me the silent treatment, or cheat, or… Life IS better on this side.

I was in a car crash about 5 months out and the effects of it was still better than living in abuse. Even if I felt lonely and miserable at times. I had one thing to my strength: I never missed him. I never missed him as he had broken me so badly. That kept me away even if I at one occasion post-leaving sat on our drive way when he was away thinking to myself that maybe we could work it out. Thankfully I left in panic, realizing what I was about to do, before he came home to find me there. The pull to go back wasn’t about him I realized then, it was about stability and knowing a little bit more about what every day looked like. Then, I realized that I was allowed to create that for myself. I was able to create a new stability and new routines.

I failed at taking care of myself for a long time. Living without a kitchen for 4 months I added the habit of eating out every day and night. That weight I put on and what it spiraled into with my health are still stuff I have to deal with today. But I am getting myself together and confident that I will lose those 30-40 lbs again. If I gained them I can lose them right?! J

People that know me have told me that I am like a new person. And despite my huge weight gain (to the point I am wearing yoga pants every day) everyone I meet say I look so beautiful and full of life. My aura, spirit, and smile is at a whole different level and people are calling me for a beautiful person inside and out. They love the way I look (even if I sometimes wondering if they are blind LOL) then I realize that it isn’t about the weight – it is something more than that. 

I had to work HARD on that spirit. I have taken very many online classes, angel classes and meditation session to  get myself back. I have learned that it is far more profitable to ask “why am I so beautiful and skinny?” than to say “why am I so fat and ugly?” --- because the Universe will show you exactly what you are asking about. I rather know why I am beautiful than why I am ugly J Life becomes far more fun to live that way. I have also learned to say my gratitude out loud, even if they are not currently reality – yet “I am so, so grateful and thankful that I love to wake up early in the morning to exercise” (LOL) – It actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. People may call me crazy – but that is ok. I feel crazy-happy many times during the day. And that is far better then feeling like you are going crazy inside that abusive relationship. 

Unfortunately I don't have that one magic word that will get those of you who feel a little stuck to get out of your seats to do something. But I promise you that despite your fear, anxiety and guilt you are feeling today - it won't feel like that on the other side but you will have to fight those feelings to get there. Tell yourself that your abuser put them there to keep you there. Like that ball and chain to your ankle.     

Love and Blessings to all. 

How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.

He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.

As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?

Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.

Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.

Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

Should you stay for the children?

A few things has recently circulated in my head. A lot of it has to do with children and people growing up with an abusive parent. (The abusive person in my little thought-process is a man, the father)

Depending on how you were brought up, different values plays a part in deciding if you are going to leave the relationship and split up the family forever. Most people, religion or not, have this general idea that “you should stay for the children”. I want to argue the opposite. You should leave for the children!

Everyone would probably agree that child abuse is a horrible thing. Any aspect of the child abuse is horrible. It tears your heart apart and you either can’t stop crying thinking about it or it’s so hard to think about that you don’t, because it is simply not ok to treat children that way. Growing up in a family where ones father abuse ones mother is also abuse. Call it something different like indirect abuse or whatever you want – it is still abuse. You are still living in an abusive environment. Children are extremely wired to sense things. They know when things are not right, even if they never see their father abuse their mother. They will sense the tensions and the fear. It is inevitable. You can’t hide from the energies that an environment like that creates. You just can’t. And you can’t protect your children from it either no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love those kiddos. You just can’t.

No matter the circumstances about how the children are witnessing the abuse going on in the family, by sight, by ear, by touch, or by energy… it will affect them negatively. Their core need for feeling safe and nurtured might be compromised. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that it probably doesn't create a stable growing environment, don’t you think?

You might speak up about wanting to leave the abuser to someone, a friend or a family member. Most of those people would in one way or another try to paint up a picture in their head. The perfect family picture. Even if the picture doesn't exist except for in their own minds, it is there and is very true to them. They will listen to your arguments to why you want to leave – but they won’t understand. Because: they will parallel your stories with something similar they have experienced and most people (thankfully) don’t have to experience abuse. But because they haven’t they don’t understand. They don’t see, hear, or feel your pain. In many cases they don’t want to and can't. They rather, for what seems to be pushing it under the rug and, keep pushing for the perfect family picture. None of it make sense but to them it does. Because they don’t understand. To you however, it makes you feel like the loneliest person in the world. That you should just suck it up and deal with it. It can’t be that bad. It is all in your head. You just have to work harder. After all; must stay for the children!

You push off the exit some more, and to no fault of your own, your children will live in that abusive environment for a little longer compromising their development just a little bit more. Because you are not only now dealing with guilt from wanting to leave the abuser but from wanting to split up the family! How dare you! Must stay for the children!

Time goes by, you stay for the children. Your son grows up learning by default how to treat a woman and partner. Your daughter grows up learning by default how to be treated by a man and partner. Will that be their future truths and lives? Hard to say… BUT WHY RISK IT?!?!?!!!!! Why risk the chance that your son will use his childhood as an excuse to abuse his children and/or wife? Why risk the chance that your daughter will chose a husband that will treat her just like your husband treated you? And why let society, religion, friends, family, etc tell you what you SHOULD do? Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes and ask them again what you should do! You are 100% entitled to YOUR own life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. You are allowed to feel safe. You are allowed to leave a relationship that cannot give it to you. Yes! Every day you are allowed that. I promise. You deserve it. And your children deserves it. And what child wouldn't want a happy mommy?!

The image of a perfect family should never override the true reality of what that family is going through. Never ever.

Leave for the children! 

Me without You

Giving this a try... if you haven't read the romantic versions this won't seem too interesting but I figure I would put a little twist on the original cuteness of Me Without You... 

Me without You... 

is like a peaceful nap without interruption.  

a government without corruption.

It is like a sun kissed skin without the burn, 

and a happy vacation without return. 

A drink without the tab, 

and a hug without a grab. 

A summer night without mosquitoes, 

and a romantic dinner without orange Doritos. 

It is like wearing sexy high heels without the feet getting sore, 

and cuddling with someone who isn't asking for more. 

It is like eating unlimited amount of chocolate without the risk of getting fat, 

and having a stomach that is flat. 

It is like a rainbow without the rain, 

and a trip back home without having to be on an expensive plane.  

It is like a beautiful evening under the moon and the stars

and getting a plastic surgery without any revealing scars...   

I admit...  

Me without You, 

is ME...  

All you need is love...

Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us trapped...

“But I love him so much” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love finally ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love – it was fear – mistaken as love. 

The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships, were a woman thinks she loves him. 

When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for ways to love better and I learned about the theory of the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I truly believe these languages are true for most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t right today. 

The five languages of love are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love instead. 

Words of Affirmation – “I appreciate you because…” 

This language uses words to affirm other people.  Specific statements of why you feel a certain way about another person will be remembered.  Verbal abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person. And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad and horrible they are all the time.

Acts of Service – “Let me do that for you” 

For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking dinner. Instead of a helping out an abuser would never lift a finger to help with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t. 

Receiving Gifts – “I have been planning this gift for you for weeks” 

For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that you care and thought about them. For an abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be grateful.  

Quality Time – “I am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off” 

This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. The opposite of this would be the dreaded silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms.

Physical Touch – “Let me hold you until you fall asleep” 

To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling… With an abuser this can get ugly. You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.

While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to get you back….

For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were ok again.  

For someone else the opening could be physical violence and a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming home to a three course meal with candles…

… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.        

It is never easy with a Narcissist

"I want to make you suffer"

Like taken out of a thriller, Thuderstorm spoke those words to me not even a week ago. I could feel the chills going through my body as I was sitting there with the phone up against my ear. He truly meant it. Like possessed by the Devil he just felt he had the right... because at the end of the day, I hurt him greatly by leaving him.... the way I did.... and I must be punished. Again.

"I am not intending to make this easy for you"

We were on the phone about the divorce mediation that just started. (I totally see why divorce mediation is not advisable for a case like ours by the way). Thunderstorm had decided a few weeks earlier that divorce mediation was the way to go to save money... and I figured I would be able to handle it as it would be the fastest way anyway. So here we are... having to talk on occasion and having to make decision together. It is a painful process and probably would be even if you are on the same page. Divorcing an abuser and a narcissist is not "supposed" to be easy. Divorcing them is tapping into and destroying their fragile self-image. They are going to make you pay for it.

I am fully aware that I am going to walk away with far less than half of our belongings. Willingly. My freedom is worth more than things. He can have it all if he asks for it. I'll sleep on the floor with a towel as my blanket and a shoe as my pillow if I have to. I have already left most of what is considered mine, and I am so much better off anyway. 

"When this is over with you will be dead to me"

There was a time in the past were I had imagined him and I being on the same birthday party for one of our mutual friends. Being able to be civil around others.. but that image is wiped away... and even though that comment was fired off with the intention to hurt me, I was relieved. I CAN'T WAIT!

"I never want to see you happy ever again"

What a surprise!
Unfortunately, for him, I am already happier... should I tell him? ;)

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

Under the blanket

"...After a conversation about divorce where my husband brought up all the religious reasons I cannot divorce, I crawled in bed and sobbed. I felt like a bad person for even entertaining the idea of leaving. And I went through those addresses from the church leaders about marriage. All of them go right along with what my husband was saying. In fact, he was so happy the next morning it was almost like he felt like he had won the debate and had a whole entire religious organization to back him up.

I literally begged God to just take my life. I couldn't do it anymore..."

Blanket of Love from RedBubble.com

- I just want to sneak into your bedroom, uncover the blankets you are hiding under and hold you, tell you things will be ok. Slowly drag you out of there while your trust for me grows. Hold your hands until you are really on your feet, no matter if that takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... etc. That is what I want to do for you right now.

I felt despair when I read it. My heart is breaking for you. The pain you feel is what I felt and I know it so well. It reminds me of why I cannot go back (so for that I am thankful)... because I would be right there in bed under the covers myself. Paralyzed by fear of all kinds. Making my full time job be to think of ways not to upset him or poke the sleeping bear. Be a puppet in his show reacting to his motion and never create any of my own... out of fear.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling and it is working well to keep us trapped under that blanket. We create guilt for ourselves and let other people shower us with guilt. It is easy when there is no self-esteem left to just take it in and let it grow. We almost don't know how to function without the guilt. And sitting here on the other side today, I have no idea when this guilt will disappear. Maybe as we start to regain our own self-esteem and some self confidence...
 

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

19 of 20 - How can you even think that?!

Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

My hair is a hot topic. I have colored it in different colors, I have cut it shorter, I have curled it and I have kept it straight. It is a subject he likes - if I do what he likes and a subject he loves to bring up if I do not. He likes it blond, long and curly.

One evening we were going to an event. You can call it "his" event, at least that is what he calls it because it was for one of the organizations he is involved in. I had to wear a gown and was going to put in my blond extensions and curl it. I truly looked like a princess. I also had a silver headband in my hair to match my silver-gray dress.

When I was done with my hair and make up he was so angry. So so angry that he made me shake. He threw hangers and told me he no longer wanted to go to this event that I had ruined it all. I thought, and said that I don't understand why you are so upset about me wearing a headband... And he replies "it is not about the headband it is about the fact that you do not want to do what your husband asks you to do. You are not willing to please me. After all this is my event and you should look the way I wanted you to look. It is such a small thing to ask of you and still you cannot do it." 

He has said the same thing over and over and over.. And still feels the same right about that he fully have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I cut it - it is making me look like a boy. I color it - I don't look like his wife and he cannot look at me... He just cannot understand how I cannot have my hair the way it would please him the most at all times, because it is such a small thing. But if I say that "yes it is such a small thing that you should allow me to have it the way I like it" he does not understand. That if I do, he has the right to call me out on it and make me feel like I am a horrible person. That I don't understand how to please him and that it is just a little thing that is so easy to do.  

I know this is not a really good example of the above statement but the truth to be told.. There has been so many conversations where he has twisted my truth that I no longer remember them or understand where it started and ended. All I know is that my thoughts are most often wrong and he pays very little attention to them. He seem to want to hear them but just to twist them around to make me feel like I am worthless. And bring them back later and use them as a weapon against me...

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

13 of 20 - If you can justify your actions it is ok no matter what

Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.


Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-"But you lied to me" he said when I pointed out that he had smashed a hole in the wall a year ago and broken the mirror in the process. Yes, maybe I had lied to him and he had found out... I lie to him all the time, I admit, to protect my soul, that I don't remember what made him this wild this specific time. I wish I did. So I could give you a good comparison to his behavior.

What is the right reaction to a lie? And when is a lie ok? When can you brush it off your shoulder and when do you have to smash a wall? I wasn't cheating. I wasn't planning to celebrate Christmas with his parents behind his back (who he hates with a passion), I wasn't talking shit about him to anyone, I wasn't doing anything as drastic as punching a hole in the wall. But it is my fault he did that. I made him do that. He had no free will to allow himself to do it. I made him do it...

????!?!!!? Yes... I know.. Say you want to punch a hole in the wall because of something. At one point or another you are going to ask yourself "should I really?" and you will either decide to do it (allow yourself to do it) or not. Your hand will not swing without you making that decision.. and that is the truth. But for some reason in this specific incident, I must have taken his hand and swung it for him... because it is my fault there is a hole in the wall.

Makes completely sense! I finally see it ;)

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

10 of 20 - I feel like I have to live a secret life to even survive

Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-Well, I'm married to my Loser and not just dating him, which makes this slightly different, but not much. At this point I have almost lost all of my friends. I only talk to people he pretty much approve of, at least in front of him. I have friends at work and I don't let them interact with him because it is not a good combo. To him my work is just a place I work and not a place I keep friends. In his opinion I cannot have friends at work because they would not be real friends, however he can have friends at work...

Let's look at the phone situation: He believes that because of what I do for a living, sitting by a computer most of the time, I should be able to answer the phone 24/7 no matter what. If I don't answer the phone, especially on a business trip he gets very frustrated. Everything gets tuned up when I am away. When I am away I need to send him signs of love constantly. That means call him constantly and answer the phone no matter what. If I don't he let's me know that he is going to contact a lawyer and start the divorce process. The strange part is that we never have anything to talk about when we are on the phone... But I guess he is trying to keep me occupied talking to him, or holding the phone against my ear that I can't interact with other people or even read a book.


I honestly cannot do anything when he is around. It is if I know he will think I am doing something wrong and then, I will do something wrong. When we go out he can flip out about how I am having my hair styled or what I am wearing and other times he says he does not care. It is very confusing and anxiety triggering. While out I keep my mouth shut most of the time. I let him do the talking. It is best that way.. because when I talk I might say something that he does not agree with and he might lose his temper and that is a scene to hide! I don't want anyone to have to see or put up with his temper, anger, or controlling issues.

I don't really want to see them either but rather me than anyone else. However - soon I'll be out too. I have to.