Monday, July 21, 2014

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

I saw the red flags but I didn't do anything

I heard a new song on the radio last week. It was suppose to be all cute and romantic but it gave me the chills. I wish I had remember the name of it but I don't right now..

But this song brought me to a blog post I had written in June of 2011 - over three years ago now. I was writing about my life with Thunderstorm, although back then I didn't call him that. But you can see some of the red flags I had already picked up on, yet I tried to write it with a positive angle since I didn't want to hurt anyone reading it, my family mainly.

Here are some parts of the post:

"Thunderstorm does not love that many people, in contrast to me whom finds love in a lot of things in life and those people I have around me. But when Thunderstorm loves, he does so very strongly. There is no grey area with him, it is either black or white. Loyal I guess you can call him and he does everything for those he loves". [confusion on my part --- he obviously did not do everything for those he loves, but rather control them]

"He is also very protective and says he would not be able to live with himself in case something happened to me, something he knew he could have prevented in the first place. It is a part I appreciate with him but at the same time it drives me crazy. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, but that is not possible with him. Thunderstorm seems to see danger behind every corner and is prepared for the worst. I, on the other hand, see experiences and opportunities behind every corner and I want to at least peek every time. Sometimes this causes problems. We don't understand each other at all. Communication problems in a nutshell". [a very strong sign of an abuser when they say that they just want to protect you... it has nothing to do with you, but rather them and their control issues]

"We also have completely different love languages. I am a Physical touch person and Thunderstorm prefers Acts of Service. When I clean the apartment he takes that as I love him while I just mean that it needed to be cleaned. When I want to cuddle next to him while watching a movie he just says it is too warm. His was of showing love is appreciated during winter when he removed the snow on my car, I never have to do it." [his love language is not in the book. Yes he loves services but he would never be satisfied ever]

"Thunderstorm is a assertive and self-confident person. An alpha male. He is a great teacher and loved to teach stuff he knows and can. He has his own ways of looking at things and he is very hard to convince into another perspective unless you can prove it scientifically". [ehhh... yes, he will yell at you if you are doing something "wrong" I don't know if that is being a great teacher.. and that he has no ability to look at things from a different point of view]

"He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. I wish I could say the same about me. I just want stuff to be done fast or I'll lose interest in it. I think Thunderstorm is a notch more stubborn and proud, and pays attention to stuff around him more than what others does."  [the traits of an abuser...]

When Thunderstorm later read this post in it's full after I had posted it in 2011, he flipped out and left the house. He was "hurt" and was so upset about that now people would look at him as the person who want's favors in form of services. He hated me for it. The outburst should have been another red flag for me. But I blamed the whole thing on myself.. *my stomach is twisting*

Friday, July 18, 2014

13 of 20 - If you can justify your actions it is ok no matter what

Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-"But you lied to me" he said when I pointed out that he had smashed a hole in the wall a year ago and broken the mirror in the process. Yes, maybe I had lied to him and he had found out... I lie to him all the time, I admit, to protect my soul, that I don't remember what made him this wild this specific time. I wish I did. So I could give you a good comparison to his behavior.

What is the right reaction to a lie? And when is a lie ok? When can you brush it off your shoulder and when do you have to smash a wall? I wasn't cheating. I wasn't planning to celebrate Christmas with his parents behind his back (who he hates with a passion), I wasn't talking shit about him to anyone, I wasn't doing anything as drastic as punching a hole in the wall. But it is my fault he did that. I made him do that. He had no free will to allow himself to do it. I made him do it...

????!?!!!? Yes... I know.. Say you want to punch a hole in the wall because of something. At one point or another you are going to ask yourself "should I really?" and you will either decide to do it (allow yourself to do it) or not. Your hand will not swing without you making that decision.. and that is the truth. But for some reason in this specific incident, I must have taken his hand and swung it for him... because it is my fault there is a hole in the wall.

Makes completely sense! I finally see it ;)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.