In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!

Sometimes you get what you need

- "That is why I never want to have kids" he says pointing at the dog who just peed on the floor because he was so scared.

The words felt like multiple knives stabbing me from within. I have heard those words so many times but it will never get easier. Probably the opposite as time goes by and my biological clock starts to beep even louder... It is somehow easier to deal with not becoming a mother, ever, when it does not get reinforced almost every day. Without the reinforcement the torture does not become so evident. You can walk thru the day without really realizing you just lost another day to try to become a mother. Ignorance is blizz...

But I don't have that luxury. I get reminded more time than I need to that my heart aches to have a child but I never will... Not because I cannot get pregnant, but because he does not want me to get pregnant. Every little chance there is to bullet proof his plan, I get reminded.

At this point I am is even too scared to tell him how I feel about it. It is wrong you might think, but you are not walking in my shoes...

When we got married a few years ago, he had already made it clear that he did not want to have any children. So I knew. But I also knew that he had said that he never wanted to get married, or settle down... but here we were married and settled down. So I will never stop hoping that he might change his mind on this too. I also, however, promised myself that I would never ask him to reconsider. Stupid maybe... and maybe I will one day.

A second thought after the first heartache is off course the question of if I want to have children with someone who absolutely does not... What good would it do unless the baby grabs a hold of his heart and never let go... then maybe it would be worth it. But if that does not happen... then what? I think you would feel so alone... and probably helpless.

But in the end God has a purpose and I believe in His purpose. I am willing to sacrifice myself to walk the path God has made for me because sometimes God does not give you want you want, but what you need. Thankfully the faith I have recently gained for God has kept me pretty strong and it forever will. Just a year ago I would crinch at the thought of talking about God and the Bible. Not anymore and for that I am so grateful. It is way more peaceful this way.