All you need is love...

Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us trapped...

“But I love him so much” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love finally ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love – it was fear – mistaken as love. 

The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships, were a woman thinks she loves him. 

When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for ways to love better and I learned about the theory of the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I truly believe these languages are true for most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t right today. 

The five languages of love are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love instead. 

Words of Affirmation – “I appreciate you because…” 

This language uses words to affirm other people.  Specific statements of why you feel a certain way about another person will be remembered.  Verbal abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person. And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad and horrible they are all the time.

Acts of Service – “Let me do that for you” 

For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking dinner. Instead of a helping out an abuser would never lift a finger to help with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t. 

Receiving Gifts – “I have been planning this gift for you for weeks” 

For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that you care and thought about them. For an abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be grateful.  

Quality Time – “I am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off” 

This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. The opposite of this would be the dreaded silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms.

Physical Touch – “Let me hold you until you fall asleep” 

To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling… With an abuser this can get ugly. You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.

While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to get you back….

For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were ok again.  

For someone else the opening could be physical violence and a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming home to a three course meal with candles…

… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.        

It is never easy with a Narcissist

"I want to make you suffer"

Like taken out of a thriller, Thuderstorm spoke those words to me not even a week ago. I could feel the chills going through my body as I was sitting there with the phone up against my ear. He truly meant it. Like possessed by the Devil he just felt he had the right... because at the end of the day, I hurt him greatly by leaving him.... the way I did.... and I must be punished. Again.

"I am not intending to make this easy for you"

We were on the phone about the divorce mediation that just started. (I totally see why divorce mediation is not advisable for a case like ours by the way). Thunderstorm had decided a few weeks earlier that divorce mediation was the way to go to save money... and I figured I would be able to handle it as it would be the fastest way anyway. So here we are... having to talk on occasion and having to make decision together. It is a painful process and probably would be even if you are on the same page. Divorcing an abuser and a narcissist is not "supposed" to be easy. Divorcing them is tapping into and destroying their fragile self-image. They are going to make you pay for it.

I am fully aware that I am going to walk away with far less than half of our belongings. Willingly. My freedom is worth more than things. He can have it all if he asks for it. I'll sleep on the floor with a towel as my blanket and a shoe as my pillow if I have to. I have already left most of what is considered mine, and I am so much better off anyway. 

"When this is over with you will be dead to me"

There was a time in the past were I had imagined him and I being on the same birthday party for one of our mutual friends. Being able to be civil around others.. but that image is wiped away... and even though that comment was fired off with the intention to hurt me, I was relieved. I CAN'T WAIT!

"I never want to see you happy ever again"

What a surprise!
Unfortunately, for him, I am already happier... should I tell him? ;)

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

I saw the red flags but I didn't do anything

I heard a new song on the radio last week. It was suppose to be all cute and romantic but it gave me the chills. I wish I had remember the name of it but I don't right now..

But this song brought me to a blog post I had written in June of 2011 - over three years ago now. I was writing about my life with Thunderstorm, although back then I didn't call him that. But you can see some of the red flags I had already picked up on, yet I tried to write it with a positive angle since I didn't want to hurt anyone reading it, my family mainly.

Here are some parts of the post:

"Thunderstorm does not love that many people, in contrast to me whom finds love in a lot of things in life and those people I have around me. But when Thunderstorm loves, he does so very strongly. There is no grey area with him, it is either black or white. Loyal I guess you can call him and he does everything for those he loves". [confusion on my part --- he obviously did not do everything for those he loves, but rather control them]


"He is also very protective and says he would not be able to live with himself in case something happened to me, something he knew he could have prevented in the first place. It is a part I appreciate with him but at the same time it drives me crazy. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, but that is not possible with him. Thunderstorm seems to see danger behind every corner and is prepared for the worst. I, on the other hand, see experiences and opportunities behind every corner and I want to at least peek every time. Sometimes this causes problems. We don't understand each other at all. Communication problems in a nutshell". [a very strong sign of an abuser when they say that they just want to protect you... it has nothing to do with you, but rather them and their control issues]


"We also have completely different love languages. I am a Physical touch person and Thunderstorm prefers Acts of Service. When I clean the apartment he takes that as I love him while I just mean that it needed to be cleaned. When I want to cuddle next to him while watching a movie he just says it is too warm. His was of showing love is appreciated during winter when he removed the snow on my car, I never have to do it." [his love language is not in the book. Yes he loves services but he would never be satisfied ever]


"Thunderstorm is a assertive and self-confident person. An alpha male. He is a great teacher and loved to teach stuff he knows and can. He has his own ways of looking at things and he is very hard to convince into another perspective unless you can prove it scientifically". [ehhh... yes, he will yell at you if you are doing something "wrong" I don't know if that is being a great teacher.. and that he has no ability to look at things from a different point of view]


"He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. I wish I could say the same about me. I just want stuff to be done fast or I'll lose interest in it. I think Thunderstorm is a notch more stubborn and proud, and pays attention to stuff around him more than what others does."  [the traits of an abuser...]

When Thunderstorm later read this post in it's full after I had posted it in 2011, he flipped out and left the house. He was "hurt" and was so upset about that now people would look at him as the person who want's favors in form of services. He hated me for it. The outburst should have been another red flag for me. But I blamed the whole thing on myself.. *my stomach is twisting*

13 of 20 - If you can justify your actions it is ok no matter what

Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.


Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-"But you lied to me" he said when I pointed out that he had smashed a hole in the wall a year ago and broken the mirror in the process. Yes, maybe I had lied to him and he had found out... I lie to him all the time, I admit, to protect my soul, that I don't remember what made him this wild this specific time. I wish I did. So I could give you a good comparison to his behavior.

What is the right reaction to a lie? And when is a lie ok? When can you brush it off your shoulder and when do you have to smash a wall? I wasn't cheating. I wasn't planning to celebrate Christmas with his parents behind his back (who he hates with a passion), I wasn't talking shit about him to anyone, I wasn't doing anything as drastic as punching a hole in the wall. But it is my fault he did that. I made him do that. He had no free will to allow himself to do it. I made him do it...

????!?!!!? Yes... I know.. Say you want to punch a hole in the wall because of something. At one point or another you are going to ask yourself "should I really?" and you will either decide to do it (allow yourself to do it) or not. Your hand will not swing without you making that decision.. and that is the truth. But for some reason in this specific incident, I must have taken his hand and swung it for him... because it is my fault there is a hole in the wall.

Makes completely sense! I finally see it ;)

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

10 of 20 - I feel like I have to live a secret life to even survive

Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-Well, I'm married to my Loser and not just dating him, which makes this slightly different, but not much. At this point I have almost lost all of my friends. I only talk to people he pretty much approve of, at least in front of him. I have friends at work and I don't let them interact with him because it is not a good combo. To him my work is just a place I work and not a place I keep friends. In his opinion I cannot have friends at work because they would not be real friends, however he can have friends at work...

Let's look at the phone situation: He believes that because of what I do for a living, sitting by a computer most of the time, I should be able to answer the phone 24/7 no matter what. If I don't answer the phone, especially on a business trip he gets very frustrated. Everything gets tuned up when I am away. When I am away I need to send him signs of love constantly. That means call him constantly and answer the phone no matter what. If I don't he let's me know that he is going to contact a lawyer and start the divorce process. The strange part is that we never have anything to talk about when we are on the phone... But I guess he is trying to keep me occupied talking to him, or holding the phone against my ear that I can't interact with other people or even read a book.


I honestly cannot do anything when he is around. It is if I know he will think I am doing something wrong and then, I will do something wrong. When we go out he can flip out about how I am having my hair styled or what I am wearing and other times he says he does not care. It is very confusing and anxiety triggering. While out I keep my mouth shut most of the time. I let him do the talking. It is best that way.. because when I talk I might say something that he does not agree with and he might lose his temper and that is a scene to hide! I don't want anyone to have to see or put up with his temper, anger, or controlling issues.

I don't really want to see them either but rather me than anyone else. However - soon I'll be out too. I have to.

9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

Do you dare to love yourself first?

A friend just shared this with me from a Domestic Violence class she had been to and I wanted to share it with you all too.

For me is it so true and so valid but one thing that keeps popping up in my head when reading it is time... I still want babies and I am in my 30's. How much can I afford to wait?

"Survivors need to focus on developing a relationship with themselves first before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are, not what they think men are looking for. Remember, women who have been abused have spent a long time trying to be the person another person demanded rather than the genuine person that they are. In the process, most survivors have lost track of their own personalities and need to take the time to rediscover who they really are. The person who deserves the most kindness and compassion is you.

During this phase, the survivor must learn how to talk to herself with a new vocabulary. Every time she hears that little voice in her head saying, "That was stupid." or, "You made another mistake." she needs to retrain herself to say, "Well, you are a smart woman who made a mistake, it is okay." or, "You did so many other good things today, you have really made great progress." Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk is one of the first steps toward establishing a good relationship with yourself. 

A good "rule of thumb" when you make a minor mistake is to think of it in relative terms. If you forget to thaw something out for dinner, for instance, think about it relative to how you would react if a friend did the same thing. If a friend told you that she forgot to thaw something out for dinner, would you criticize her? On the other hand, would you tell her that it was not a big deal? If you would see it as a minor mistake that would not bother you because she is a great friend, then you should give yourself the same credit!  Always be at least as good to yourself, and forgiving of yourself, as you would be to your best friend!"

7 of 20 - I'm sorry it is all my fault - I think but I am not sure, you confuse me.

It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

This mind-twisting game is what is getting to me the most. Every time we have an argument or disagreement even, he has an incredible ability to twist anything and everything I say into something completely different. He even twists my actions into something completely different.

Me working extra hours to get more money to pay bills is not seen as me helping out. He sees it as me not catering to his needs and requirements. (huh???) Yet in the next breath he is concern about how much bills we have...

For the longest time I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Because most of the time after an argument he had pretty much convinced me that I was the one that had done something wrong and he had the right to act anyway he pleased. That I should appreciate that he has the "balls" to set me straight and teach me how I should act and what I should say. And ultimately what and how I should think...I should appreciate that...

I am not saying I am perfect. I do make mistakes all the time, just ask him. But at what point does a missed phone call calls for verbal abuse? Or when does a headband calls for having hangers being broken and thrown in your direction? When?

One time we were heading out for dinner and I wanted to get something in the mail before it was going to be picked up. I walked out of the house with the mail in my hand and stopped to talk to a neighbor who just walked by with his two dogs. He had recently gotten home from the hospital due to a pretty serious injury and I wanted to see how he was doing. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and then I left for the post office. I was probably back at the house within 30 minutes but before I had gotten home He had left. He was FURIOUS. There was no way to calm him down. I was late, even if I didn't have a time to watch. I had prioritized the letter before him... and he didn't want to eat dinner with me anymore. He didn't return until really late that night after yelling at me on the phone multiple times threatening with divorce.

It was all my fault. Always is. Always will be.
What I am saying is that mistakes are being made every day. But to abuse someone for making them and making the person feel that they deserve the abuse is beyond WRONG.