Sunday, December 21, 2014

Just a nightmare

Last night was the first night I had a nightmare about Thunderstorm... It was one of those dreams that felt so real and one that I will remember for a while.

It was time for the Christmas party I help arrange for work. It was a black tie event so every woman wore a wonderful dress, mine was blue; royal blue, long, and made me feel absolutely beautiful. Everyone at work was allowed to bring a guest and I had a guest. A wonderful friend, a handsome man. He was wearing a black suite with a pink shirt and he wore it like someone that knows fashion! (aka not over-sized or whatever else I see all the time that makes a man in a suite not look as attractive as he should).

I walked in to the ballroom together with the team who had helped arrange the party and their guests. My guest, walked a little bit behind carrying my glass of wine. I looked around in the ballroom as I walked in and I see him. He sits on a spot where someone else were suppose to be sitting. He looked at me with eyes cold as the devil.

I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to kill everyone who cared for me. He wanted to kill everyone who was my friend and leave me all alone... I turned around and told my guest to get as far away from me as possible and pretend not to know me. Panic started to grow inside of me as I was trying to alarm the others in the team...

"911" I whispered to the team. "He is here"...

I was desperately trying to figure out how to get everyone out of there before he could do what he was there to do. Kill people, then kill himself so he wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions. I knew it wouldn't be enough time to call the cops and if we did he would have done even more damage.

...Then I woke up... almost shaking. 

Friday, December 19, 2014


It is the one wish I have. 
For me and everyone else
I want to love and to be loved in return.
There is no greater wish. 

 Am I asking too much? 
Do I have to settle for someone that I like? 
Do I have to settle for someone that claim to love me but I not them? 

No. I do not. 
And I will not.

I rather spend the rest of my life looking for the right one... 
...than settle with the wrong one.
No, not if you have lived my life... 

When you feel good thinking about him.
When you can't imagine yourself with anyone else but him.
When everyone else fade in comparison.
When you are within reach of him yet want to be closer.
When you feel completely calm and relaxed when he is there.
When  you could care less if you sleep or not as long as he is there.
When you have nothing to hide.
When you don't want to hide anything.
When holding his hand is like holding his heart.
When kissing him is like giving your soul to him.
When the moment you lay your eyes on him you know he is the one.
When telling him you love him does not feel like strong enough words to use.

He is out there...

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Pay it forward

It has been three months since my escape from a life of abuse now. The changes I have seen in myself are growing daily. It is hard to understand that I was stuck in that life for so long. It is painful to know that I was stuck in that life for so long. Just imagine what else I could have done with my life... I feel truly robbed!

First I was robbed of my youth by severe side effects thanks to taking birth control pills, then this...

I'll be 35 in a few weeks. I guess it does leaves a lot of life still to be taken in and for that I am grateful. I am not holding grudges but I have lost a few of my years when I was trying to dedicate my life trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. At least that is how I feel when I think about it.

I have now reached out to the local women's support center and will start working with them next year with giving speeches at events to promote awareness of abuse. I look forward to this. I know I can help doing that. Because the biggest thing with abuse is really the fact that so many of us don't realize we are getting abused... To be the one to wake someone up from their fog will be empowering. Even if there will only be one... To tell a story so that an outsider will see it for what it truly is and raise the flag...

Monday, December 15, 2014

I must fly

I picture myself standing on the edge of something. 

There is one step left to feel Love, Acceptance, Understanding, Trust etc... 
I am so ready to take that step and to Fly. 
I. Want. To. Fly. 
So badly.

But, the fear that something will grab me and drag me down so I can not fly make me stand there on the edge creating a mixture of feelings of love, acceptance, understanding, trust etc with fear of not being enough to be loved, not being perfect enough to be accepted, not being understood, not being worthy of trust... 

Words and actions that have been thrown in my face for so long hold me back. 
They hold me back on that edge. Anchoring my feet so I cannot take that final step and just fly... 

Instead I prepare myself for never being able to fly.

No matter how true that reality is the best way to really describe it is the word "symptoms". They are just symptoms of what has happened to me. Not symptoms of what is happening to me. The reason I cannot fly is not present. It is in the past. The present has brought me to that edge in the first place. Offered me that leap of faith to fly. 

I am here... All I must do is just fly.    

Monday, December 1, 2014

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.
L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.


Chosen by God for this new life of love, 
I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 
compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 
I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 
I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 
And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 
It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 
I never want to be without it.