Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

All you need is love...

Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us trapped...

“But I love him so much” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love finally ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love – it was fear – mistaken as love. 

The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships, were a woman thinks she loves him. 

When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for ways to love better and I learned about the theory of the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I truly believe these languages are true for most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t right today. 

The five languages of love are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love instead. 

Words of Affirmation – “I appreciate you because…” 

This language uses words to affirm other people.  Specific statements of why you feel a certain way about another person will be remembered.  Verbal abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person. And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad and horrible they are all the time.

Acts of Service – “Let me do that for you” 

For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking dinner. Instead of a helping out an abuser would never lift a finger to help with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t. 

Receiving Gifts – “I have been planning this gift for you for weeks” 

For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that you care and thought about them. For an abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be grateful.  

Quality Time – “I am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off” 

This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. The opposite of this would be the dreaded silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms.

Physical Touch – “Let me hold you until you fall asleep” 

To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling… With an abuser this can get ugly. You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.

While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to get you back….

For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were ok again.  

For someone else the opening could be physical violence and a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming home to a three course meal with candles…

… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.        

Valentine's Day

What a hope-filled day for some, excited for others, and a shear pain for many.
I have never been celebrated on Valentine's Day, instead I have been told: "Valentine's Day is overrated", "It is just a trick to sell cards, flowers, and candy", and "I love you every day why do I have to do something on Valentine's Day" 

As true as those statements all are and I am sure most of you have heard or even said them before... As a girl with a romantic heart that probably belong in the Disney movies - or perhaps the Hallmark Channel - I kind of want to be at least acknowledged in some way on Valentine's Day. Something different. Something.

What I really want is a bouquet of pink and red roses and a card - my physical need is shouting. ...and then I think... If I had received signs of love throughout the year(s) then maybe I wouldn't have this desire to get flowers and a card on Valentine's Day, because then, maybe I would too, say that Valentine's Day is overrated! That you don't need one day a year to make you feel acknowledged, because every day in your relationship makes you feel acknowledged and loved.

THAT is what I want - not flowers on Valentine's Day, but - to feel loved, appreciated, and acknowledged every day!

Side point: Cause how much would those roses mean to me if they were sitting here in front of me if they were given to me by a stranger on the street, a person from work, or an old lover perhaps?? - Probably not what I wanted when I first said it above, because what I want doesn't rest in the roses... it is the love behind it and the love I give back by receiving it... It is resting in the love-transactions before the roses even existed.

But I still adore red and pink roses together. :)

Love to you on Valentine's Day and every other day.

L.O.V.E.

It is the one wish I have. 

For me and everyone else. 

I want to love and to be loved in return.

There is no greater wish. 

 Am I asking too much? 

Do I have to settle for someone that I like? 

Do I have to settle for someone that claim to love me but I not them? 

No. I do not. 

And I will not.

I rather spend the rest of my life looking for the right one... 

...than settle with the wrong one.

Harsh? 

No, not if you have lived my life... 

Love. 

When you feel good thinking about him.

When you can't imagine yourself with anyone else but him.

When everyone else fade in comparison.

When you are within reach of him yet want to be closer.

When you feel completely calm and relaxed when he is there.

When  you could care less if you sleep or not as long as he is there.

When you have nothing to hide.

When you don't want to hide anything.

When holding his hand is like holding his heart.

When kissing him is like giving your soul to him.

When the moment you lay your eyes on him you know he is the one.

When telling him you love him does not feel like strong enough words to use.

He is out there...

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.

L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.

------------------------------

Chosen by God for this new life of love, 

I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 

compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 

I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 

I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 

And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 

It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 

I never want to be without it. 

COLOSSIANS 3:12-14

------------------------------

Everything

Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Self realization and Self healing

On the path of recovering from my abusive marriage I picked up a book called "You are Loved. Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You" by Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt. A book that turned out to be a DIY Bible study... (I guess that is how God forced me to buy my own Bible - it is pink by the way) 

All chapters have hit right at heart and there was one chapter in particular that stood out to me. The story wasn't based on the same reality but the words were mine... every single one of them. So I have below re-written Sally's story from chapter 3 "Satan wants to steal and destroy our confidence in God's unchanging love" with my own heart and soul behind it...

Picture from CandieInk on Etsy

YOU ARE LOVED
Moving to this country and marrying my husband was enlightening at first. However, with every day, a shadow seemed to creep more profoundly over my heart. 

A realization that “I was not worthy” that I was inadequate before God, and ultimately my husband, weighted like a ton of bricks on my heart. I smiled on the outside and performed the tasks of living with the new responsibilities of being a wife and I did as best as I could. But no one could have guessed what the voices were saying to me inside my mind. 

Without even noticing I had been gathering a bundle of guilt, failures, fears, and inadequacies that I carried inside of me every day. They were a dark cloud that often defined how I felt about myself: “You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just playing the role of being a wife and a good person, but God and your husband are disappointed in you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see your shame and shortcomings.” 

In-between my late 20’s and early 30’s, the façade people observed by the mask of friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Blond hair, blue eyes, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect as possible hoping someone would truly love me – I attempted to win favor by my looks, my performances at work, and all things external – but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me. Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling, minimizing all the abuse that was performed on my expense. 

Night after night, I slumped alone, under my blanket in silence, weeping desperately and physically aching as though something inside was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I attempted to be excellent, I always fell short; there was always more abuse or fear of it. A deep longing to be known and still loved haunted me daily. 

Too abused to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I had received a message from my husband, that his love was based on my performance. And I convinced myself of the same thing – if you do the right things, you will be acceptable. If you please him, you would be popular, but if he saw the real you, he would not want to know you. If I made a mistake or chose different values than him, I would be ignored or condemned. 

Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance in my life. I had been surrounded by the one who felt free to criticize me and I had listened to his messages. 

I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole married life to be enough to impress my husband to notice me, to affirm the longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort and security I had always longed for but never quite experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out loud (– until here and now).

FINDING GOD

As I poured out my heart to God one day in May of 2014, that I barely knew -- and felt compassion, gentleness and love in return – there was no condemnation there. God was excited that I put my faith in Him. The truth is that we will never have to perform for God, because His love for us is endless, infinite, constant and abundant once you put your faith in him. 

ALWAYS KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU

But there is one who wants to keep you from knowing the secrets and amazing love of God – Satan despises those who want to love God. He would love to whisper words of darkness into your heart so that you will be distracted and waste your time trying to please God, when you are already all that you need to be to please Him. You must begin to recognize the voices that are not truths and then determine not to accept them as truths or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and strong foundations of love that God has communicated to you in scripture! There will always be a spiritual battle going on in your heart, because Satan comes to steal away your faith and confidence. 

Satan knows that if he can get you to focus on yourself and look at your inadequacies, you will not be free to enjoy the incredible love and forgiveness of God. When you listen to his voices, you are actually giving into Satan’s lies and then he has you living a defeated life.”

YOU ARE GOD'S PRINCESS
You are royalty because you have been adopted by the King, the creator of the universe. That is your heritage and that is the reality of His love for you. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

You must, as a little girl before God, run to Him with open arms and rest and abide in this great love. Only when you accept this love and trust Him will you ever be free from the darkness you feel.

We cannot be free to love as long as we are dwelling on ourselves, our own inadequacies, bitterness, lack of forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Jesus desires us to live freely, no condemnation hanging over our heads, so that we become freer to love others as well.  

I saw the red flags but I didn't do anything

I heard a new song on the radio last week. It was suppose to be all cute and romantic but it gave me the chills. I wish I had remember the name of it but I don't right now..

But this song brought me to a blog post I had written in June of 2011 - over three years ago now. I was writing about my life with Thunderstorm, although back then I didn't call him that. But you can see some of the red flags I had already picked up on, yet I tried to write it with a positive angle since I didn't want to hurt anyone reading it, my family mainly.

Here are some parts of the post:

"Thunderstorm does not love that many people, in contrast to me whom finds love in a lot of things in life and those people I have around me. But when Thunderstorm loves, he does so very strongly. There is no grey area with him, it is either black or white. Loyal I guess you can call him and he does everything for those he loves". [confusion on my part --- he obviously did not do everything for those he loves, but rather control them]


"He is also very protective and says he would not be able to live with himself in case something happened to me, something he knew he could have prevented in the first place. It is a part I appreciate with him but at the same time it drives me crazy. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, but that is not possible with him. Thunderstorm seems to see danger behind every corner and is prepared for the worst. I, on the other hand, see experiences and opportunities behind every corner and I want to at least peek every time. Sometimes this causes problems. We don't understand each other at all. Communication problems in a nutshell". [a very strong sign of an abuser when they say that they just want to protect you... it has nothing to do with you, but rather them and their control issues]


"We also have completely different love languages. I am a Physical touch person and Thunderstorm prefers Acts of Service. When I clean the apartment he takes that as I love him while I just mean that it needed to be cleaned. When I want to cuddle next to him while watching a movie he just says it is too warm. His was of showing love is appreciated during winter when he removed the snow on my car, I never have to do it." [his love language is not in the book. Yes he loves services but he would never be satisfied ever]


"Thunderstorm is a assertive and self-confident person. An alpha male. He is a great teacher and loved to teach stuff he knows and can. He has his own ways of looking at things and he is very hard to convince into another perspective unless you can prove it scientifically". [ehhh... yes, he will yell at you if you are doing something "wrong" I don't know if that is being a great teacher.. and that he has no ability to look at things from a different point of view]


"He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. I wish I could say the same about me. I just want stuff to be done fast or I'll lose interest in it. I think Thunderstorm is a notch more stubborn and proud, and pays attention to stuff around him more than what others does."  [the traits of an abuser...]

When Thunderstorm later read this post in it's full after I had posted it in 2011, he flipped out and left the house. He was "hurt" and was so upset about that now people would look at him as the person who want's favors in form of services. He hated me for it. The outburst should have been another red flag for me. But I blamed the whole thing on myself.. *my stomach is twisting*

9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!

We don't live by the same rules

We actually talked last week about the future.
I have been wanting to have this conversation for a while now but have been so darn afraid to start it that I would have an anxiety attack by the shear thought of it. Not that anyone would ever notice, but inside a calm surface I would deal with a racing heartbeat, wanting to vomit, and not being able to eat. 
 
After a talk things are always a little calmer. I kind of feel like I can take a deep breath, even if the talk itself never brings me any deeper satisfaction. But sooner or later that anxiety creeps up on me. Just by me waiting for him to blow up again about something I did wrong. Because it will happen, sooner or later.

Last week's talk was calmer than I had expected. But I was still not able to communicate my emotions and needs. I once again got to hear that my main task was to take care of him. Cook, clean, do laundry etc before I could enjoy myself... But to me it seems like I would never be "done" to be able to enjoy myself. I think for him, there would always be something else that needed to be done...

(...Things I would enjoy would be to visit with my friends (without a curfew), go shopping without him looking at all the receipt, paint, do arts and craft, take dance or horseback riding classes, etc... But I can't because there is always something that goes before my happiness - his happiness even though I cannot ever please him. On the other hand, he left the house when he was suppose to work on the basement to go play golf because "it was more important than the basement" - his own words.)

In the middle of a conversation like that I start to think, that yes.. maybe that is how I am supposed to be.. I have to tend to his needs first... It is really not that hard to cook, clean and do laundry (which I DO do just not when he thinks it should be done I guess)... I can't function. I just sit there, paralyzed, and in the end agrees with him and once again start to think that I am the horrible person. That I never do anything right. That I am neglecting him. That I cannot love. That I am the one with crazy demands and unrealistic dreams about love and relationships...

...But then the next morning I wake up and shake my head thinking "no way... that can't be how a normal relationship works, it just can't be. And on top of it shouldn't he care about my happiness too" Me doing that (anything he asks) for him and getting nothing in return will never fix things. Never.

Am I completely wrong?
Am I too self centered?
Am I too stubborn?
Am I the narcissist? 
One thing I know for sure is that I am loosing my mind, slowly but surely!

But I love you...

"The narcissist truly believes that his presence is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection, and respect that he expect from you (his object). Therefore, the narcissist will postpone, withhold, or procrastinate on any continuing, normal efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship."  (from "When love is a lie" by Zari Ballard)

Now, I didn't intend for this to be a blog about my narcissistic husband but since I just figured it all out I am just digging through some information and growing stronger while doing so. And for those of you that are here for the ride, you have to come with me when I take my little dips and turns.

The above statement rings a bell - when I read it I almost got goosebumps! He actually told me once that him saying "I love you" should be enough for me to understand that he loves me... I don't know about you.. but "I love you" is not enough for me! Yes, I am a "Word of affirmation" and "Physical touch" person when it comes to the 5 Love Languages --- but that does not do it for me. Would it for you?

The scary about this is that he believes that it is the truth. That when I ask him to show me other ways of loving me he refers back to paying for the wedding or buying me a car way back. And that those should be enough... yet I am asked to put my entire life on hold for him.. That's what it feels like.

Oh boy.. a 3-day weekend ahead of us. Lovely! No job to escape to...

Show me your love card

I was sitting in the car the other day, driving to work and a thought popped up in my head. A thought from when we first met.

...He always used to say "I aim to please". Back then I used to think he meant to please me, or other people. But he meant to please Himself and only himselfself. Irony at its fullest to say the least.

These days he says "I love you" and seems to think that it should be enough. He even told me it should be enough when I asked him to show me some signs of love. Yet he asks me to be his maid, chef, porn star, cleaning lady, assistant, accountant, partner and laundry lady just to name a few... If there is laundry to be done, God forbid I enjoy the sunshine for a bit and save it for tomorrow. He may not get angry to my face... Instead he will start the laundry and huff and puff while doing it - like it is the worst task in the world...

In the same conversation about to show each other love I asked him to let me know if I am doing anything right. I told him that I could probably list 100 of things that he thinks I am doing badly.. it would be nice to have some on the pro side too. He became silent and instead of saying something like: "Oh, I like when you..." or "I'll think of it"..

He ended up saying: "But if you are doing something wrong should I just ignore it"? 

Now, is it just me or is that like completely missing the point?

I guess at this time it does not matter anymore. I have no love cards left. 

I love my Angels

I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.

This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...

I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.

God does love me.

Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.  

Help me God.