I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.
This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...
I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.
God does love me.
Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.
Help me God.