Friday, April 25, 2014

Letter to him

When we first met, eight years ago now, I was a happy person. I was full of life and had little fears. I had just moved far away on my own, without anyone I knew... I knew I could do it because the adventure would be worth more than the fear I felt initially. If I even felt fear. I think it was just excitement.

We met about 2 months after I had moved. I remember that I never noticed your angry side when we spent our first months together. Or perhaps you never showed it to me back then. I kept being playful - Yes! Playful is the right word! I was playful. Enjoyed everything. I worked hard and played hard. I even slept hard :)

That was eight years ago...

Time with you slowly turned me into someone else. It didn't happen over night and I did go through some very heavy periods where I was actually physically sick that probably contributed to my changed personality too. But the illness is gone now, I know it is. It left a few years ago.

I cannot have been easy to live with when I was sick. The times I thought I was going to die. The times I could do nothing but cry for everything and nothing. I am sorry if those moments confused you. Made you worried and even annoyed with me. I am sure they even made you hate me a little, if only for a moment.

I became fat too. That you hated. You told me I was fat. You told me I wasn't pretty anymore. Maybe not in those words, but you did in your own way.

I did everything I could to lose weight. I woke up early in the morning to exercise. I went on every diet I could think of in the fight to lose it and be "pretty" again. Like the girl you married. But I was sick and my body was not budging. It could not focus on losing weight. It needed to survive as my adrenals was shutting down - I found out about two years after I first became sick. Losing weight was not the solution... but that didn't matter. Not to you.

What was most hurtful during that time was that I never felt you were interested in what was going on with me. You never wanted to help me. You never wanted to understand what you could do to help me. Maybe you were afraid too? I don't know. And the funny part is that I didn't understand that until I met an old friend of mine and he started to ask questions. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if there was something he should not offer me as far as food for example. He cared and I had not seen him in years. We spent a few hours together, catching up like old friends do... and he wanted to know. When he first asked, I remember stopping for a second and thought to myself "what?" I looked up at him just to see if he was joking. But his face looked sincere and actually concerned.

I realized then that I was very alone with you. Even if you were right next to me. I was alone.

Last year was the last year I spent on emptying out everything left of the old playful girl from eight years ago. I became completely empty. I now feel nothing. You stole my soul away from me.

I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel love.
I don't feel friendship.
I don't feel fear.
I don't feel ANYTHING. Anything but emptiness.
I feel nothing. -Is that to feel something?

I can't even cry over you anymore like I used to. I used to cry when you got angry, when you hurt my feelings, and when you scared me. I don't have any tears left for you.

But... I forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will not stay with you, but I will forgive you.

Since this year, people in my life - new friends, old friends, and family members have started to rebuild my soul. They don't know it yet but I will tell them one day what they have done for me. They are starting to fill my soul with happiness, love, and friendship. Those things you took from me.
I will be ok again. I will be playful again.

From your soon to be ex wife...

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