Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

5 of 20 - I am just lonely

Cutting Off Your Support. In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- This was easy. My whole family lives in Europe. He got that taken care of when I moved to the US. Not that he forced me or anything like that. I wanted to move. I do believe I was meant to live here for some of my life and I still do, I am not meant to leave yet no matter how much I miss my family and friends... I  have a purpose here still. 

However, he will discourage me to hang out with my friends here. He never wants to hang around my friends. If there is an after-work event or even a party over the weekend I feel like I have to lie or decline the invitation. If I lie and go I can never stay long. The only time I spend time with my work colleagues after work hours is if we are traveling together or he is away and I don't have to declare every minute of my day. It is the only way for me to go and enjoy it.

He does not always say no to me going but will make a big deal out of me leaving him alone, trying to play into my conscience. "What am I going to do then", "What am I going to eat", "Who will keep me company".. etc. See, he has pushed his friends away so he always have to recruit new ones on a bi-yearly basis I would say. So normally he does not have anyone to call and hang out with, and I don't even feel he wants to.

Last year I did a mud run with some of the people I work with, and we had dinner afterwards. In the middle of the dinner he calls and I ignore it, sending a text saying I will leave in a little bit and will call when I do. I called maybe 30 minutes later as I was driving away and he is screaming like the house is on fire. "How can you spend time with these people, you don't even know them!" and "They are not your f%#ing friends, you are stupid for thinking that!" 

Huh?? I work with them. I care for them and I know they care for me too. We actually have fun together! I rather spend time with them than YOU you Loser!

He has already won this fight. Because at this point I have stopped getting invitations from people at work. They know I will say no and my friends outside of work consist of two people. And their husbands are tired of hanging out with my husband since he is so "intense".

 

"God is with me and will keep me wherever I may go" ~ Genesis 28:15

1 of 20 - Would you ever put your hands on me?

Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Broken Mirror by ILoveThat

I at least have one broken computer from him seeing an email I sent to his niece he didn't want me to talk to. He didn't want me to talk to anyone in his family because he felt that they had all betrayed him (a.k.a. they did not do something that he thought they should have done to show him they loved him - he discarded them in an instant, innocent or not, ALL of them). He broke my computer completely. Stepped on it, punched it, tore it apart... And I was just sitting there... terrified. I pretty much thought I was next and yet I just sat there waiting for it.

No, I never emailed his niece again... or anyone else in his family for that matter.

There was also a hole in the wall and a smashed mirror. It happened pretty recent, maybe a year ago. Thinking of it now, I can't remember why he was angry to the point he had to smash a hole in the wall. I know I was in the bedroom afraid to go out though.  It could have been me not wearing what he wanted, or picking wall color for the kitchen, or something of that sort. I really can't remember. All I know is that the remains of that hole is still there. It has been covered up but not painted yet...

Oh.. no.. the kitchen wall paint thing.. (I just remembered) for that issue he had a golf club in his hand and threatened to hit me with hit if I didn't shut up about a painting argument. We were going to paint the kitchen and had picked out the colors the day before. We were all ready to paint when he started to get angry about the fact that we were painting. He didn't think we were ready to paint because he wanted to replace the doors first. He stormed out the house and when he came back I asked him why he had not said that we weren't ready to paint yet.

In his response he made it clear that I was pushing him into painting that day. That the days and weeks before it he had been living feeling the constant pressure from me of me wanting to paint soon. He said he couldn't handle it anymore and had just given in. (I must have been a terror to live in when getting excited about finally getting another color in the kitchen).

The kitchen eventually got painted but the doors are still not replaced yet so I am glad we didn't wait for that. So, what did I do when he held his golf club telling me he was going to hit me with it? I told him to do it! "Do it" I said. Thinking at least he would pay for what he had done to me that time, no matter if I got out of it dead or alive. He would pay for that one.

He didn't hit me but the more I asked why he had not said anything about not wanting to paint the angrier he got... Finally, he went outside for a bit leaving me on the sofa in chock, still holding the golf club in his hand. I got up and watched him in the window for a bit, then I went into another room, trying to make myself busy doing whatever. He came back inside a while later and as he entered the room I was in, I set off a yelp thinking I was going to get smashed... he apologized (one of the few times he actually apologized to me) and gave me a hug and actually started to cry or wanted to cry.. I don't think there was any tears. I told him to never do that to me ever again.

...And I forgave him.  

But I love you...

"The narcissist truly believes that his presence is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection, and respect that he expect from you (his object). Therefore, the narcissist will postpone, withhold, or procrastinate on any continuing, normal efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship."  (from "When love is a lie" by Zari Ballard)

Now, I didn't intend for this to be a blog about my narcissistic husband but since I just figured it all out I am just digging through some information and growing stronger while doing so. And for those of you that are here for the ride, you have to come with me when I take my little dips and turns.

The above statement rings a bell - when I read it I almost got goosebumps! He actually told me once that him saying "I love you" should be enough for me to understand that he loves me... I don't know about you.. but "I love you" is not enough for me! Yes, I am a "Word of affirmation" and "Physical touch" person when it comes to the 5 Love Languages --- but that does not do it for me. Would it for you?

The scary about this is that he believes that it is the truth. That when I ask him to show me other ways of loving me he refers back to paying for the wedding or buying me a car way back. And that those should be enough... yet I am asked to put my entire life on hold for him.. That's what it feels like.

Oh boy.. a 3-day weekend ahead of us. Lovely! No job to escape to...

I am a Beast of Burden

I was googling the other day and found "The Narcissist in your life" blog and it was like she was talking about my relationship... Here is just a snapshot... (her writing) my comments

Narcissistic Abusers - Their Human Beasts of Burden
A beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work. Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.

The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every “relationship.” The narcissist gives orders–quite literally–and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot...
...The narcissistic spouse is impossible–making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective...

Like I have said before - if the cooking, laundry or cleaning is not done on time every time I am a worthless person. It never fails. He may not call it out on every occasion but it will build up into something for the future. Every time I am leaving work I must have a dinner plan in mind, and I must have at least three different suggestions so he can pick what he wants. It gives me anxiety every day and I rather just stay at work!

...Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress—yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage... 

For a long time I did. I guess I still do since we are still married. I wish I would have realized a long time ago. And I wish I would have started the mental process of leaving him sooner. I knew something was off with him probably less than one year after we got married and moved in together. But, I didn't recognize that it was him, I just though our relationship was going into one of those roller coaster downhills, or worse - because of me.

At least I have figured out where I stand. That is at least 25% of the battle. Right?

Letter to him

When we first met, eight years ago now, I was a happy person. I was full of life and had little fears. I had just moved far away on my own, without anyone I knew... I knew I could do it because the adventure would be worth more than the fear I felt initially. If I even felt fear. I think it was just excitement.

We met about 2 months after I had moved. I remember that I never noticed your angry side when we spent our first months together. Or perhaps you never showed it to me back then. I kept being playful - Yes! Playful is the right word! I was playful. Enjoyed everything. I worked hard and played hard. I even slept hard :)

That was eight years ago...

Time with you slowly turned me into someone else. It didn't happen over night and I did go through some very heavy periods where I was actually physically sick that probably contributed to my changed personality too. But the illness is gone now, I know it is. It left a few years ago.

I cannot have been easy to live with when I was sick. The times I thought I was going to die. The times I could do nothing but cry for everything and nothing. I am sorry if those moments confused you. Made you worried and even annoyed with me. I am sure they even made you hate me a little, if only for a moment.

I became fat too. That you hated. You told me I was fat. You told me I wasn't pretty anymore. Maybe not in those words, but you did in your own way.

I did everything I could to lose weight. I woke up early in the morning to exercise. I went on every diet I could think of in the fight to lose it and be "pretty" again. Like the girl you married. But I was sick and my body was not budging. It could not focus on losing weight. It needed to survive as my adrenals was shutting down - I found out about two years after I first became sick. Losing weight was not the solution... but that didn't matter. Not to you.

What was most hurtful during that time was that I never felt you were interested in what was going on with me. You never wanted to help me. You never wanted to understand what you could do to help me. Maybe you were afraid too? I don't know. And the funny part is that I didn't understand that until I met an old friend of mine and he started to ask questions. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if there was something he should not offer me as far as food for example. He cared and I had not seen him in years. We spent a few hours together, catching up like old friends do... and he wanted to know. When he first asked, I remember stopping for a second and thought to myself "what?" I looked up at him just to see if he was joking. But his face looked sincere and actually concerned.

I realized then that I was very alone with you. Even if you were right next to me. I was alone.

Last year was the last year I spent on emptying out everything left of the old playful girl from eight years ago. I became completely empty. I now feel nothing. You stole my soul away from me.

I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel love.
I don't feel friendship.
I don't feel fear.
I don't feel ANYTHING. Anything but emptiness.
I feel nothing. -Is that to feel something?

I can't even cry over you anymore like I used to. I used to cry when you got angry, when you hurt my feelings, and when you scared me. I don't have any tears left for you.

But... I forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will not stay with you, but I will forgive you.

Since this year, people in my life - new friends, old friends, and family members have started to rebuild my soul. They don't know it yet but I will tell them one day what they have done for me. They are starting to fill my soul with happiness, love, and friendship. Those things you took from me.
I will be ok again. I will be playful again.

From your soon to be ex wife...