In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.
I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.
At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.
...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.
But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.
I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.
So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen.