Thursday, January 29, 2015

Be assertive

As one of my old self's biggest personality traits faded away during my marriage I am now tying to pick up the pieces and reclaim my own will. This is easy in my new home and when I am alone. I can paint whatever color I want on the walls and I can eat whatever I want for dinner. But when you mix in other people my assertiveness is out the door.

"Oh you pick.. whatever you want"
"I don't care we can watch the movie you want to see"
"Where do you want to eat, I can always find something I like at any place so I am ok"
"You tell me what time works best for you and I'll adapt my plans around it"

Those are just examples of what I will tell people and think. Yes, they are not important "stuff" to take a stand on, but if I can't do it when it does not really matter, how am I suppose to do it when it does matter? I have a homework assignment - to be assertive. Start with the little things. Make decisions, suggest stuff and share my thoughts when I do not fully agree...

Sounds easy right?!
Not for me! You see in my twisted mind I will automatically act as if you are going to judge me and never want to speak to me again (or something along those lines) if I want to watch a different movie than you, if I want to eat something different for dinner, or if I like a color that you don't like... It sounds really absurd but those little stupid things really have me watch what I say, do, think, and act. Deep down I know that you will never dislike me because I rather have pasta than steak for dinner - because I would never dislike you for it. Yet, I haven't been able to shake that insecurity inside of me. It is like a little parasite living off of me, chewing away with joy.

I know part of this comes with confidence, but the catch 22 is that I can't practice my confidence if I don't practice my assertiveness. So here we are... It's time for me to B E  A S S E R T I V E.

 And today this reading came to me (fit perfectly as always): 

"The Lord says to me, My grace is enough for you; 
for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in weakness.
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses an infirmities, 
that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!" 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

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