Friday, February 27, 2015

I am ok, thank you for asking

Vulnerability. Beautiful and scary at the same time. It can be beautiful if you allow it to be, but most often it is scary because you just have to let go. Give in. Let it take over. But once you do, let go of that sense of control it most often will be beautiful... and scary... 

I think during the past week I, in my silence, saw the peak of my vulnerability. I was in a car accident that could have ended much worse than it did. It still have me sitting here with a very stiff and sore back, neck and body along with having a concussion that is pretty much in control of my life at the moment. But I am alive. It happened on a snowy highway driving to get my hair done. Now I not only have these pains I also never got my hair done and my car is no more.

On the outside I paint up this picture to be this strong woman...
~ I am ok ~
~ I will be just fine  ~
~ I am thankful to be alive ~
~ Oh, it is nothing, don't worry ~
~ I can do this ~
~ I will manage ~
~ I can juggle (read ignore) this concussion while also working  ~
~ I am in control ~
~ I am strong ~
~ I am lucky ~

It is all a lie... I feel none of these things in this moment. I feel lonely. I feel naked. I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone, even myself... I cannot ask for help because I don't know what to ask for. And if I in an instant think of something to ask for; I quickly kick it off my mind and convince myself I can deal with it on my own - It all happens automatically without me even realizing it.

This is the moment we need people that not only say "let me know if I can help you in any way" but the people that actually do without even asking. Because the truth is - I still don't know what to ask for because I don't even know what I need. The people that do can't do anything wrong in a situation like that. Anything and Everything will be appreciated.  

I hope that I someday become a doer for someone else. And maybe along the process I can make my vulnerability into something beautiful because right now - all it is, is scary. And I am living in a lie by not allowing it to come out...


  1. I wish I was in the same country! Then I would have helped you :-) I know once you are kicked down for some reason it is so easy to see things dark. For me I try to think of that it WILL be better it WILL blow over you WILL be healed. Give yourself the time...
    Sending warm smiles, hot Chocolate, perfect pillow behind your back and a funny movie to watch :-)

    1. Thank you dear... It was DARK! and scary and very very lonely.
      Thank you for your continued support and compassion.