I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!

There is love in my life

I am numb and tears are just sitting behind my eyes wanting to come out. I struggle to hold them in and to not let my voice break.

I have two moms, my biological mom and my "American" mom. I love them both but have a completely different relationship with both of them. My mom is my mom. She has always been my mom. I am not friends with my mom; she is my mom. I see many of my friends having lunch dates and one on one time with their moms. I don't. I don't know why.. it just never happens. I love her still and I know she loves me. I guess we are different and can't spend too much time together without getting on each others nerves. I guess that is normal. Sometimes I feel I need to take care of my mom as she has been sick for many years and has never really taken care of herself. She is so incredible unselfish that you almost have to force her to do things she enjoys. She is getting better though.

My American mom and me are close. I don't see her very often but she became my American mom when I was 17 as I was living in this country for the first time and I was living with her and my American dad. I just got off the phone with her and that made me think about writing this post. How much I love my moms and how much they mean to me. But also how much I keep from them right now to spear them to be worried. I am keeping conversations about them, not me... because if I did I would break apart and cry forever.

None of my moms know what is going on. I am afraid to tell them. I am afraid it will hurt them when I do and I also want to tell them when I am out of it. When I am on the other side - in my happy zone, or have at least taken all the decisions I need to make so I can present a clear plan or something like that. I don't want to tell them anything and then make them worried and then not dare to follow through with it.. I can't do that to them.

But in reality I just want to have them here with me. To hold my hand when I walk through this. But they are both so far away. And you all know how it is to try to help someone far away.. It is just hard! And it is hard to accept help from a distance in this way. I don't know what to do.. I just want to pray, cry, and sleep...

But in the end of the day - I am so lucky to have not only one mom, but TWO! Two that I LOVE and know that they love me. I miss them every day!

We don't live by the same rules

We actually talked last week about the future.
I have been wanting to have this conversation for a while now but have been so darn afraid to start it that I would have an anxiety attack by the shear thought of it. Not that anyone would ever notice, but inside a calm surface I would deal with a racing heartbeat, wanting to vomit, and not being able to eat. 
 
After a talk things are always a little calmer. I kind of feel like I can take a deep breath, even if the talk itself never brings me any deeper satisfaction. But sooner or later that anxiety creeps up on me. Just by me waiting for him to blow up again about something I did wrong. Because it will happen, sooner or later.

Last week's talk was calmer than I had expected. But I was still not able to communicate my emotions and needs. I once again got to hear that my main task was to take care of him. Cook, clean, do laundry etc before I could enjoy myself... But to me it seems like I would never be "done" to be able to enjoy myself. I think for him, there would always be something else that needed to be done...

(...Things I would enjoy would be to visit with my friends (without a curfew), go shopping without him looking at all the receipt, paint, do arts and craft, take dance or horseback riding classes, etc... But I can't because there is always something that goes before my happiness - his happiness even though I cannot ever please him. On the other hand, he left the house when he was suppose to work on the basement to go play golf because "it was more important than the basement" - his own words.)

In the middle of a conversation like that I start to think, that yes.. maybe that is how I am supposed to be.. I have to tend to his needs first... It is really not that hard to cook, clean and do laundry (which I DO do just not when he thinks it should be done I guess)... I can't function. I just sit there, paralyzed, and in the end agrees with him and once again start to think that I am the horrible person. That I never do anything right. That I am neglecting him. That I cannot love. That I am the one with crazy demands and unrealistic dreams about love and relationships...

...But then the next morning I wake up and shake my head thinking "no way... that can't be how a normal relationship works, it just can't be. And on top of it shouldn't he care about my happiness too" Me doing that (anything he asks) for him and getting nothing in return will never fix things. Never.

Am I completely wrong?
Am I too self centered?
Am I too stubborn?
Am I the narcissist? 
One thing I know for sure is that I am loosing my mind, slowly but surely!

But I love you...

"The narcissist truly believes that his presence is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection, and respect that he expect from you (his object). Therefore, the narcissist will postpone, withhold, or procrastinate on any continuing, normal efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship."  (from "When love is a lie" by Zari Ballard)

Now, I didn't intend for this to be a blog about my narcissistic husband but since I just figured it all out I am just digging through some information and growing stronger while doing so. And for those of you that are here for the ride, you have to come with me when I take my little dips and turns.

The above statement rings a bell - when I read it I almost got goosebumps! He actually told me once that him saying "I love you" should be enough for me to understand that he loves me... I don't know about you.. but "I love you" is not enough for me! Yes, I am a "Word of affirmation" and "Physical touch" person when it comes to the 5 Love Languages --- but that does not do it for me. Would it for you?

The scary about this is that he believes that it is the truth. That when I ask him to show me other ways of loving me he refers back to paying for the wedding or buying me a car way back. And that those should be enough... yet I am asked to put my entire life on hold for him.. That's what it feels like.

Oh boy.. a 3-day weekend ahead of us. Lovely! No job to escape to...

I am a Beast of Burden

I was googling the other day and found "The Narcissist in your life" blog and it was like she was talking about my relationship... Here is just a snapshot... (her writing) my comments

Narcissistic Abusers - Their Human Beasts of Burden
A beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work. Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.

The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every “relationship.” The narcissist gives orders–quite literally–and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot...
...The narcissistic spouse is impossible–making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective...

Like I have said before - if the cooking, laundry or cleaning is not done on time every time I am a worthless person. It never fails. He may not call it out on every occasion but it will build up into something for the future. Every time I am leaving work I must have a dinner plan in mind, and I must have at least three different suggestions so he can pick what he wants. It gives me anxiety every day and I rather just stay at work!

...Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress—yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage... 

For a long time I did. I guess I still do since we are still married. I wish I would have realized a long time ago. And I wish I would have started the mental process of leaving him sooner. I knew something was off with him probably less than one year after we got married and moved in together. But, I didn't recognize that it was him, I just though our relationship was going into one of those roller coaster downhills, or worse - because of me.

At least I have figured out where I stand. That is at least 25% of the battle. Right?

Show me your love card

I was sitting in the car the other day, driving to work and a thought popped up in my head. A thought from when we first met.

...He always used to say "I aim to please". Back then I used to think he meant to please me, or other people. But he meant to please Himself and only himselfself. Irony at its fullest to say the least.

These days he says "I love you" and seems to think that it should be enough. He even told me it should be enough when I asked him to show me some signs of love. Yet he asks me to be his maid, chef, porn star, cleaning lady, assistant, accountant, partner and laundry lady just to name a few... If there is laundry to be done, God forbid I enjoy the sunshine for a bit and save it for tomorrow. He may not get angry to my face... Instead he will start the laundry and huff and puff while doing it - like it is the worst task in the world...

In the same conversation about to show each other love I asked him to let me know if I am doing anything right. I told him that I could probably list 100 of things that he thinks I am doing badly.. it would be nice to have some on the pro side too. He became silent and instead of saying something like: "Oh, I like when you..." or "I'll think of it"..

He ended up saying: "But if you are doing something wrong should I just ignore it"? 

Now, is it just me or is that like completely missing the point?

I guess at this time it does not matter anymore. I have no love cards left. 

Letter to him

When we first met, eight years ago now, I was a happy person. I was full of life and had little fears. I had just moved far away on my own, without anyone I knew... I knew I could do it because the adventure would be worth more than the fear I felt initially. If I even felt fear. I think it was just excitement.

We met about 2 months after I had moved. I remember that I never noticed your angry side when we spent our first months together. Or perhaps you never showed it to me back then. I kept being playful - Yes! Playful is the right word! I was playful. Enjoyed everything. I worked hard and played hard. I even slept hard :)

That was eight years ago...

Time with you slowly turned me into someone else. It didn't happen over night and I did go through some very heavy periods where I was actually physically sick that probably contributed to my changed personality too. But the illness is gone now, I know it is. It left a few years ago.

I cannot have been easy to live with when I was sick. The times I thought I was going to die. The times I could do nothing but cry for everything and nothing. I am sorry if those moments confused you. Made you worried and even annoyed with me. I am sure they even made you hate me a little, if only for a moment.

I became fat too. That you hated. You told me I was fat. You told me I wasn't pretty anymore. Maybe not in those words, but you did in your own way.

I did everything I could to lose weight. I woke up early in the morning to exercise. I went on every diet I could think of in the fight to lose it and be "pretty" again. Like the girl you married. But I was sick and my body was not budging. It could not focus on losing weight. It needed to survive as my adrenals was shutting down - I found out about two years after I first became sick. Losing weight was not the solution... but that didn't matter. Not to you.

What was most hurtful during that time was that I never felt you were interested in what was going on with me. You never wanted to help me. You never wanted to understand what you could do to help me. Maybe you were afraid too? I don't know. And the funny part is that I didn't understand that until I met an old friend of mine and he started to ask questions. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if there was something he should not offer me as far as food for example. He cared and I had not seen him in years. We spent a few hours together, catching up like old friends do... and he wanted to know. When he first asked, I remember stopping for a second and thought to myself "what?" I looked up at him just to see if he was joking. But his face looked sincere and actually concerned.

I realized then that I was very alone with you. Even if you were right next to me. I was alone.

Last year was the last year I spent on emptying out everything left of the old playful girl from eight years ago. I became completely empty. I now feel nothing. You stole my soul away from me.

I don't feel happiness.
I don't feel love.
I don't feel friendship.
I don't feel fear.
I don't feel ANYTHING. Anything but emptiness.
I feel nothing. -Is that to feel something?

I can't even cry over you anymore like I used to. I used to cry when you got angry, when you hurt my feelings, and when you scared me. I don't have any tears left for you.

But... I forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will not stay with you, but I will forgive you.

Since this year, people in my life - new friends, old friends, and family members have started to rebuild my soul. They don't know it yet but I will tell them one day what they have done for me. They are starting to fill my soul with happiness, love, and friendship. Those things you took from me.
I will be ok again. I will be playful again.

From your soon to be ex wife...

I love my Angels

I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.

This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...

I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.

God does love me.

Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.  

Help me God.

Leaving you

It's been a while since I shared my feelings. It is not because they have gone away. In fact they have grown stronger.

I have come to the conclusion that I must leave my husband to feel peace in my life. To be able to do the things I was meant to do. Just as recent as yesterday I was reminded by my Guardian Angel how he told me I shouldn't have married him. I knew it back then but did it anyway. It was like every cell in my body was vibrating silently saying "don't marry him, don't do it". I guess some people call it intuition.

I did it anyway... and here I am now.

It is not really that I regret the whole journey of being married to him because it has led me to see so many beautiful things and I have met so many beautiful people. For those things and those people I am blessed and extremely thankful.

When I realized I needed to leave  him, I automatically grew stronger. I know this will be a hard year but yet a wonderful year. That more good will come out of it. The only problem - how will I gain the confidence to say it to him...

Please pray for me.