Giving thanks

Tonight in church I will stand up and verbally share this note of gratefulness that I have been working on over the past few days. I wrote it in a way so that the people that know what my struggles have been like will understand and for those who have their own struggles will be able to relate in a way. It is not the time and place to share the details of my story, just the gratefulness of how I am standing here giving thanks...

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Through the many years of darkness in my life You planted a seed in my heart. 

You whispered gently to me to not give up. 

You, in Your own magical ways told me You Loved me just the way I am, as I am. 

The seed You planted in my heart started to sprout earlier this year and day by day the flower of Love keeps growing bigger, stronger and more colorful. 

God, thank You for the Love you have brought to me through every soul that dared to hold my hand and be here for me. 

God, thank You for the fire of courage you lit inside of me and for the light of hope you held in front of me to help me step out of the darkness. 

God, thank You for the exciting future you have in store for me.   

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Everything

Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Righteousness and Peace kiss each other

Since it is Thanksgiving week right now I figured I would share something on the lighter side. I am a Pinterest fan! (ok that was not what I wanted to share - but the story starts here...) I go on Pinterest on a regular basis, some weeks multiple times a day - you know waking up, bathroom breaks, going to bed, when you are slightly bored, when an idea just hits your head and you cannot let it go until you have done at least some investigation... etc. You get the point.

So, in the middle of all the darkness I have been through over the past years. Close to 8 years to be exact... I was also held up by some crazy force that kept telling me to fight! It told me to even if I locked it away, to not forget whom I was. Ever. So I did. I locked myself up but I didn't forget her. And finally she is starting to come out... humbly and careful but she is on her way out... And she is a force of LOVE.

I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge on Pinterest over the weekend and when I did my soul just smiled! It was exactly what I needed to do... (I added my own part to it too but still).

I encourage you to do the same, no matter where you are in your life because if you start to look at things in a different light (perhaps) things will start to change for the better. You know, it is the law of attraction - positivity attracts positivity.. love attracts love... happiness attracts happiness...

Sorry, I am babbling. Here is the 30 day challenge:

DAY 1 

Name and write down three new things you are grateful for when you wake up. 

Continue for 29 more days.

[waking up focusing on the positive can be a great start of your day as positivity feeds positivity]  

My own addition: Write down one of your most significant prayer for the day.

[remembering your prayer will easier identify that they actually came true...]

DAY 2

Write down one meaningful thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 

Continue for 28 more days.

[when you start you will find so many little things in life to be grateful about]

DAY 3 

Reach out to someone you know and praise them. 

Continue for 27 more days. 

[you know what it feels like being told by someone how special you are to them, return the favor!]

DAY 4

Start doing cardio for at least 15 minutes a day. 

Continue for 26 more days. 

[exercise releases endorphins do I need to say more?!]

DAY 5

Start meditating for at least 5 minutes a day. 

Continue for 25 more days. 

[deep breathing keeps us relaxed, provides oxygen to the blood and helps clean out toxins]

DAY 30

You made it! We hope you will keep these habits going beyond the challenge! 

I put the writing part of this challenge on different colored post-it notes and I post them on my wall in my bedroom. When I have completed the 30 day challenge I will buy a journal and put them all in there... It is visual and exciting and my wall is growing of positivity!

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"I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints... 

...Love and Faithfulness meet together; Righteousness and Peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and Righteousness looks down from heaven."

-PSALM 85:8, 10-11 

 

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It is never easy with a Narcissist

"I want to make you suffer"

Like taken out of a thriller, Thuderstorm spoke those words to me not even a week ago. I could feel the chills going through my body as I was sitting there with the phone up against my ear. He truly meant it. Like possessed by the Devil he just felt he had the right... because at the end of the day, I hurt him greatly by leaving him.... the way I did.... and I must be punished. Again.

"I am not intending to make this easy for you"

We were on the phone about the divorce mediation that just started. (I totally see why divorce mediation is not advisable for a case like ours by the way). Thunderstorm had decided a few weeks earlier that divorce mediation was the way to go to save money... and I figured I would be able to handle it as it would be the fastest way anyway. So here we are... having to talk on occasion and having to make decision together. It is a painful process and probably would be even if you are on the same page. Divorcing an abuser and a narcissist is not "supposed" to be easy. Divorcing them is tapping into and destroying their fragile self-image. They are going to make you pay for it.

I am fully aware that I am going to walk away with far less than half of our belongings. Willingly. My freedom is worth more than things. He can have it all if he asks for it. I'll sleep on the floor with a towel as my blanket and a shoe as my pillow if I have to. I have already left most of what is considered mine, and I am so much better off anyway. 

"When this is over with you will be dead to me"

There was a time in the past were I had imagined him and I being on the same birthday party for one of our mutual friends. Being able to be civil around others.. but that image is wiped away... and even though that comment was fired off with the intention to hurt me, I was relieved. I CAN'T WAIT!

"I never want to see you happy ever again"

What a surprise!
Unfortunately, for him, I am already happier... should I tell him? ;)

Self realization and Self healing

On the path of recovering from my abusive marriage I picked up a book called "You are Loved. Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You" by Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt. A book that turned out to be a DIY Bible study... (I guess that is how God forced me to buy my own Bible - it is pink by the way) 

All chapters have hit right at heart and there was one chapter in particular that stood out to me. The story wasn't based on the same reality but the words were mine... every single one of them. So I have below re-written Sally's story from chapter 3 "Satan wants to steal and destroy our confidence in God's unchanging love" with my own heart and soul behind it...

Picture from CandieInk on Etsy

YOU ARE LOVED
Moving to this country and marrying my husband was enlightening at first. However, with every day, a shadow seemed to creep more profoundly over my heart. 

A realization that “I was not worthy” that I was inadequate before God, and ultimately my husband, weighted like a ton of bricks on my heart. I smiled on the outside and performed the tasks of living with the new responsibilities of being a wife and I did as best as I could. But no one could have guessed what the voices were saying to me inside my mind. 

Without even noticing I had been gathering a bundle of guilt, failures, fears, and inadequacies that I carried inside of me every day. They were a dark cloud that often defined how I felt about myself: “You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just playing the role of being a wife and a good person, but God and your husband are disappointed in you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see your shame and shortcomings.” 

In-between my late 20’s and early 30’s, the façade people observed by the mask of friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Blond hair, blue eyes, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect as possible hoping someone would truly love me – I attempted to win favor by my looks, my performances at work, and all things external – but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me. Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling, minimizing all the abuse that was performed on my expense. 

Night after night, I slumped alone, under my blanket in silence, weeping desperately and physically aching as though something inside was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I attempted to be excellent, I always fell short; there was always more abuse or fear of it. A deep longing to be known and still loved haunted me daily. 

Too abused to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I had received a message from my husband, that his love was based on my performance. And I convinced myself of the same thing – if you do the right things, you will be acceptable. If you please him, you would be popular, but if he saw the real you, he would not want to know you. If I made a mistake or chose different values than him, I would be ignored or condemned. 

Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance in my life. I had been surrounded by the one who felt free to criticize me and I had listened to his messages. 

I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole married life to be enough to impress my husband to notice me, to affirm the longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort and security I had always longed for but never quite experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out loud (– until here and now).

FINDING GOD

As I poured out my heart to God one day in May of 2014, that I barely knew -- and felt compassion, gentleness and love in return – there was no condemnation there. God was excited that I put my faith in Him. The truth is that we will never have to perform for God, because His love for us is endless, infinite, constant and abundant once you put your faith in him. 

ALWAYS KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU

But there is one who wants to keep you from knowing the secrets and amazing love of God – Satan despises those who want to love God. He would love to whisper words of darkness into your heart so that you will be distracted and waste your time trying to please God, when you are already all that you need to be to please Him. You must begin to recognize the voices that are not truths and then determine not to accept them as truths or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and strong foundations of love that God has communicated to you in scripture! There will always be a spiritual battle going on in your heart, because Satan comes to steal away your faith and confidence. 

Satan knows that if he can get you to focus on yourself and look at your inadequacies, you will not be free to enjoy the incredible love and forgiveness of God. When you listen to his voices, you are actually giving into Satan’s lies and then he has you living a defeated life.”

YOU ARE GOD'S PRINCESS
You are royalty because you have been adopted by the King, the creator of the universe. That is your heritage and that is the reality of His love for you. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

You must, as a little girl before God, run to Him with open arms and rest and abide in this great love. Only when you accept this love and trust Him will you ever be free from the darkness you feel.

We cannot be free to love as long as we are dwelling on ourselves, our own inadequacies, bitterness, lack of forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Jesus desires us to live freely, no condemnation hanging over our heads, so that we become freer to love others as well.  

Not without Courage

Tomorrow, November 14th, will be the 2 month anniversary of my own courage. Yes, I am celebrating my COURAGE. It is the day I left. The day I closed the door behind me and my life as it had been up until that point. The life that was full of abuse and self-minimizing... I finally had the courage to leave it.

I don't know how I did it but there was a spark inside of me. A strength that was kindled by a Divine power that could not be ignored. It became stronger than the fear. I became stronger than the fear. It made me pack, it made me take one step in front of the other and finally step out and close the door behind me. I felt like I was in a daze when I did it. I had no emotions I just did, like I was on autopilot.

I managed to pack my clothes, shoes, books, personal belongings and kitchen stuff but left all furniture and items I will survive without. There are still plenty of my things in that house and I do hope to one day get them back but I don't know if I will. And it will not kill me if I don't. (Staying would have killed me.)

When I had thought of me leaving in the past I had envisioned it as a Hollywood movie where I would walk out the house with loud empowering music playing, friends embracing me on the street outside high five:ing me, and with a smile on my face I would just walk away... Proud.

That surely didn't happen. When I closed that door behind me I was a lonely nervous wreck asking myself (still) if I had done the right thing, even if I knew I had. I talked to my unknowing ex one last time on the phone, told him I loved him one last time - it wasn't genuine but I did it anyway. Then I turned my phone and location tracker off and a relief washed over me.

He was not able to call or text me. He didn't know where I was. I had done it... finally.   

 

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

Dometic Violence Awareness Month

It's National Domestic Violence Awareness month.
When you hear the word “domestic violence”,what does it bring to mind? When I used to hear those words, I imagined a relationship like the ones portrayed in movies such as “Sleeping With The Enemy” or “Safe Haven”. Men who blatantly terrorized their women to make them do what they wanted them to and who punched, kicked, and choked the women the said they loved into submission. Domestic Violence was something that was physical. It resulted in bruises, stitches, and broken bones.

I want to talk about how a good majority of domestic violence shows its ugly face outside of Hollywood. It's more covert, and the marks it leaves aren't as visible. It doesn't even have to get to a physical point EVER for it to be abusive.

The definition of domestic violence from the US Department of Justice's website is: “...a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional,economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”

My first marriage involved all of the various types of abuse, yet I didn't think I had it “that bad”. Maybe it was because I had seen a lot of unhealthy relationships growing up and I normalized it. Maybe it was because it wasn't always bad, so I kept hanging in there for the good times to come back. He excused his behavior—and I rationalized it—as a result of his past relationships, his upbringing, too much stress, not enough help from me. I was too emotional and too sensitive.

It wasn't what I seen in the movies. I was not ready to fake my death to escape him, nor did I think I had to. I didn't want or think I had to go into hiding to keep him away from me. As far as I seen it, he had all the power in another way...I wanted it to work more than he did. When I would lose hope and get fed up with the treatment I was receiving and would express that maybe this wasn't working, I was pulled back in and suddenly he wanted it as much as I did and would do anything—EVERYTHING--to save the one thing that mattered more to him than the world.

~ By a fellow domestic violence survivor

Under the blanket

"...After a conversation about divorce where my husband brought up all the religious reasons I cannot divorce, I crawled in bed and sobbed. I felt like a bad person for even entertaining the idea of leaving. And I went through those addresses from the church leaders about marriage. All of them go right along with what my husband was saying. In fact, he was so happy the next morning it was almost like he felt like he had won the debate and had a whole entire religious organization to back him up.

I literally begged God to just take my life. I couldn't do it anymore..."

Blanket of Love from RedBubble.com

- I just want to sneak into your bedroom, uncover the blankets you are hiding under and hold you, tell you things will be ok. Slowly drag you out of there while your trust for me grows. Hold your hands until you are really on your feet, no matter if that takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... etc. That is what I want to do for you right now.

I felt despair when I read it. My heart is breaking for you. The pain you feel is what I felt and I know it so well. It reminds me of why I cannot go back (so for that I am thankful)... because I would be right there in bed under the covers myself. Paralyzed by fear of all kinds. Making my full time job be to think of ways not to upset him or poke the sleeping bear. Be a puppet in his show reacting to his motion and never create any of my own... out of fear.

Guilt is a very powerful feeling and it is working well to keep us trapped under that blanket. We create guilt for ourselves and let other people shower us with guilt. It is easy when there is no self-esteem left to just take it in and let it grow. We almost don't know how to function without the guilt. And sitting here on the other side today, I have no idea when this guilt will disappear. Maybe as we start to regain our own self-esteem and some self confidence...
 

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?