How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.

He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.

As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?

Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.

Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.

Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

Should you stay for the children?

A few things has recently circulated in my head. A lot of it has to do with children and people growing up with an abusive parent. (The abusive person in my little thought-process is a man, the father)

Depending on how you were brought up, different values plays a part in deciding if you are going to leave the relationship and split up the family forever. Most people, religion or not, have this general idea that “you should stay for the children”. I want to argue the opposite. You should leave for the children!

Everyone would probably agree that child abuse is a horrible thing. Any aspect of the child abuse is horrible. It tears your heart apart and you either can’t stop crying thinking about it or it’s so hard to think about that you don’t, because it is simply not ok to treat children that way. Growing up in a family where ones father abuse ones mother is also abuse. Call it something different like indirect abuse or whatever you want – it is still abuse. You are still living in an abusive environment. Children are extremely wired to sense things. They know when things are not right, even if they never see their father abuse their mother. They will sense the tensions and the fear. It is inevitable. You can’t hide from the energies that an environment like that creates. You just can’t. And you can’t protect your children from it either no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love those kiddos. You just can’t.

No matter the circumstances about how the children are witnessing the abuse going on in the family, by sight, by ear, by touch, or by energy… it will affect them negatively. Their core need for feeling safe and nurtured might be compromised. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that it probably doesn't create a stable growing environment, don’t you think?

You might speak up about wanting to leave the abuser to someone, a friend or a family member. Most of those people would in one way or another try to paint up a picture in their head. The perfect family picture. Even if the picture doesn't exist except for in their own minds, it is there and is very true to them. They will listen to your arguments to why you want to leave – but they won’t understand. Because: they will parallel your stories with something similar they have experienced and most people (thankfully) don’t have to experience abuse. But because they haven’t they don’t understand. They don’t see, hear, or feel your pain. In many cases they don’t want to and can't. They rather, for what seems to be pushing it under the rug and, keep pushing for the perfect family picture. None of it make sense but to them it does. Because they don’t understand. To you however, it makes you feel like the loneliest person in the world. That you should just suck it up and deal with it. It can’t be that bad. It is all in your head. You just have to work harder. After all; must stay for the children!

You push off the exit some more, and to no fault of your own, your children will live in that abusive environment for a little longer compromising their development just a little bit more. Because you are not only now dealing with guilt from wanting to leave the abuser but from wanting to split up the family! How dare you! Must stay for the children!

Time goes by, you stay for the children. Your son grows up learning by default how to treat a woman and partner. Your daughter grows up learning by default how to be treated by a man and partner. Will that be their future truths and lives? Hard to say… BUT WHY RISK IT?!?!?!!!!! Why risk the chance that your son will use his childhood as an excuse to abuse his children and/or wife? Why risk the chance that your daughter will chose a husband that will treat her just like your husband treated you? And why let society, religion, friends, family, etc tell you what you SHOULD do? Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes and ask them again what you should do! You are 100% entitled to YOUR own life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. You are allowed to feel safe. You are allowed to leave a relationship that cannot give it to you. Yes! Every day you are allowed that. I promise. You deserve it. And your children deserves it. And what child wouldn't want a happy mommy?!

The image of a perfect family should never override the true reality of what that family is going through. Never ever.

Leave for the children! 

When will a gift be just a gift?

I have never been a person that have to have a gift given to me on my special days. But when those days passes by without any acknowledgement at all it is hurtful. You hope every time that this time it will be different. You never stop hoping. However, it never happens... You will never be acknowledged the way you deserve.

Instead, you learn about all the ways you do not deserve to be treated a little extra on your special day and that you are selfish to think that you do.

Now, when I am out of that situation... I still have a skewed view on gifts. I am still terrified of giving gifts because what if it is completely wrong and the person receiving it hates it and in turn will hate me for it?! (Trust me I know this is so stupid and that I should erase it but that is how the inner child in me is thinking/feeling). There is no logical reason to this connection besides for years of being treated so badly for giving gifts and for wanting gifts. Both were wrong.

Receiving gifts... oh boy. I may not always show it but when I do I will play the "you really don't have to" card... yet, inside I am crying like a baby. I am reacting very strongly to gifts just because I for so long believed I didn't deserve them.

It's been almost a year and I am now "ok" with people paying for my dinner, drinks, and maybe a movie and flowers. I feel like I could "deserve" this... But people have given me more stuff, bigger stuff.. trips, money, electronics... and I still do not know how to thank for them. I say "thank you" but I somewhere ask myself what I now have to do in return... so that one day it won't come back to me with "I gave you this and I got nothing".

My friends tell me that it is ok to get gifts. That people give gifts to those they want to and love to see a thankful and happy reaction - that the reaction is the returned favor in a sense. And I agree!!! But, I still don't understand why I deserve those gifts, those expensive gifts. Why do I deserve them?

Summer back side

I rather be alone wishing I was with someone,

than with someone wishing I was alone... 

I think I have been going through a lot of this lately. Feeling lonely... I try to snap myself out of it by reminding myself where I was a year ago. But in essence it is not that easy. Loneliness comes when it wants to come and it doesn't matter what last year looked like.

You would think, that since I rarely get invitations to do stuff these days as my friend circle is tiny where I live, I would jump at any excuse to hang out and socialize - because I LOVE that! But in a depressive state of mind - as my loneliness resembles - I can come up with far more reasons not to go.

Then, every day life feels so heavy these days too (probably also because of the darn depressive state of mind). Work sucks much of my spirit away from me currently that I have very little energy left for when I am not working. Resting and sleeping becomes very important to me when I get a chance. So the balance of resting and hanging out is a struggle for me... And it probably sounds pathetic.. but that's where I am...  

Your parents are divorcing...

...Your mom left your dad and your whole family was broken up. Your childhood home was sold and you had to split your holidays between the two. You and your siblings are all out of the house as young adults tackling the real life. The way you see it, is that your mom was selfish to do such a thing to the family. And, your dad is still upset about it all, even if he might have found someone else... 

You feel that whatever your mom tells you about the situation on why she left are lame and still very selfish and you have stopped to even listen. In fact you rather not talk to her at all unless it is via texts every now and then. Seeing her is almost too painful. Seeing her happy and moving on with her life is like a slap in the face for what you had to go through with them getting a divorce. 

You feel that your dad needs your support still since he is taking this whole thing so hard. He is telling you how much your mom hurt him by leaving and that he never deserved this. You believe him. You believe him because you too got hurt by her leaving. His truth becomes your truth. Your dad starts to feed you things that you didn't know about your mother growing up. He shares secrets that your mom has always been selfish, that she never really cared, and that she always seemed to be out to hurt him by lies, all with associated stories to back up his points... It all kind of lines up with what you are feeling about the whole thing.. You believe everything he is saying, how could you not - they guy is almost crying when he is telling you this. 

Your distant to your mother grows and you feel it in yourself that you could never really see or understand why she did what she did. And in fact you don't care besides for that she hurt you all so deeply. Your trust and maybe even love for her seems to drift further and further away. And the resentment you feel grows bigger. 

...Then, one day, maybe it is years later... something happens. Maybe it is a thought, an event, a story... It is something that triggers something that has been deeply buried. You start to realize little by little that the nonsense your mom was telling you on why she left becomes a little bit more understandable, a little bit more true. You start to realized that maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she was put in a situation where she had no choice, that if she would have stayed she would have diminished as a person. You start to remember the controlling things your father used to do to her and that she never really seemed to have any life outside of the home. You wonder if she was even allowed now when you think about it. Did she even have hobbies? He was controlling her? "My own father I have been protecting was being mentally abusive to my own mother? And I took his side??" you ask yourself.  

Wow! what an emotional roller coaster filled with guilt. What the heck do you do now? If it is not too late... (and I mean that if she is dead) reach out to her. She is waiting... She will forever be waiting for her child to come back... She will never punish you for what happened - remember she was not the one that was controlling and abusive. She will forgive you and she will embrace you. Because she really knows no other way - that is why she stayed with your father for as long as she did in the first place...   

This post is dedicated to those women who has been abused by their husbands, gotten safely away from the situation and now have their children turned against them, siding with the abuser... 

We are the Heroes of our time

When Sweden's Måns Zelmerlöv won the 2015 edition of Eurovision song contest last Saturday with the song Heroes - chills were running through my heart. It is so beautiful... just listen to it...

(and if you are like me and can listen to this over and over watch the live performance too)

 

hug me please...

I am trying to figure out a balance.
I love the freedom I have now but I can't really stand being lonely.
There is something missing.

I don't want to let go of this freedom I have but I could use some company.
Company means compromise, if ever so slightly.
But company also means love, care, compassion, strength, support, and friendship.
Am I ready to give and receive all that?

So many feelings and so many thoughts...
So many roads to pick from and so many options...

I am not used to it.
Maybe I can just let time work its magic?!

All I know is that I wish I didn't feel so lonely at times.

Me without You

Giving this a try... if you haven't read the romantic versions this won't seem too interesting but I figure I would put a little twist on the original cuteness of Me Without You... 

Me without You... 

is like a peaceful nap without interruption.  

a government without corruption.

It is like a sun kissed skin without the burn, 

and a happy vacation without return. 

A drink without the tab, 

and a hug without a grab. 

A summer night without mosquitoes, 

and a romantic dinner without orange Doritos. 

It is like wearing sexy high heels without the feet getting sore, 

and cuddling with someone who isn't asking for more. 

It is like eating unlimited amount of chocolate without the risk of getting fat, 

and having a stomach that is flat. 

It is like a rainbow without the rain, 

and a trip back home without having to be on an expensive plane.  

It is like a beautiful evening under the moon and the stars

and getting a plastic surgery without any revealing scars...   

I admit...  

Me without You, 

is ME...  

All you need is love...

Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us trapped...

“But I love him so much” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love finally ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love – it was fear – mistaken as love. 

The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships, were a woman thinks she loves him. 

When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for ways to love better and I learned about the theory of the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I truly believe these languages are true for most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t right today. 

The five languages of love are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love instead. 

Words of Affirmation – “I appreciate you because…” 

This language uses words to affirm other people.  Specific statements of why you feel a certain way about another person will be remembered.  Verbal abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person. And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad and horrible they are all the time.

Acts of Service – “Let me do that for you” 

For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking dinner. Instead of a helping out an abuser would never lift a finger to help with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t. 

Receiving Gifts – “I have been planning this gift for you for weeks” 

For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that you care and thought about them. For an abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be grateful.  

Quality Time – “I am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off” 

This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. The opposite of this would be the dreaded silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms.

Physical Touch – “Let me hold you until you fall asleep” 

To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling… With an abuser this can get ugly. You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.

While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to get you back….

For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were ok again.  

For someone else the opening could be physical violence and a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming home to a three course meal with candles…

… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.        

The three yellow cars

When I am down, God throws me a little joke. It is funny - silly, playful, funny. I can only explain it with that God is kind of telling me "relax, you are OK - I got your back". And he does it in the way that I can't do anything else but to smile.

Today it happened, again.

God shows me three yellow cars within minutes. It is always three, like the Divine Trinity: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - or as I like to see it: The spiritual, the mental and the physical (in my world). And it is always yellow - like the color of gold that is the color of the Divine.

Today driving to work for a meeting a yellow car drives by me, then an orange car, then a school buss. I laugh out loud and said: "that was not three YELLOW cars, that was only one". Sitting by the light only a few seconds later, waiting for it to turn green, the second yellow car drives by. I smile and I said "ok, you got two! I am not counting that orange car..." 

I pulled into Starbucks not even a minute later, sure I was going to see a third soon. And yes! behind me in the drive-through line a yellow car pulls up. And I felt a smile not only on my face but in my heart. God was once again telling me that I should not worry because he has my back.

I know this may sound so silly - but to me it is so clear.
And the beauty is that I chose to believe :)
Well, I not only believe - I know!