Righteousness and Peace kiss each other

Since it is Thanksgiving week right now I figured I would share something on the lighter side. I am a Pinterest fan! (ok that was not what I wanted to share - but the story starts here...) I go on Pinterest on a regular basis, some weeks multiple times a day - you know waking up, bathroom breaks, going to bed, when you are slightly bored, when an idea just hits your head and you cannot let it go until you have done at least some investigation... etc. You get the point.

So, in the middle of all the darkness I have been through over the past years. Close to 8 years to be exact... I was also held up by some crazy force that kept telling me to fight! It told me to even if I locked it away, to not forget whom I was. Ever. So I did. I locked myself up but I didn't forget her. And finally she is starting to come out... humbly and careful but she is on her way out... And she is a force of LOVE.

I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge on Pinterest over the weekend and when I did my soul just smiled! It was exactly what I needed to do... (I added my own part to it too but still).

I encourage you to do the same, no matter where you are in your life because if you start to look at things in a different light (perhaps) things will start to change for the better. You know, it is the law of attraction - positivity attracts positivity.. love attracts love... happiness attracts happiness...

Sorry, I am babbling. Here is the 30 day challenge:

DAY 1 

Name and write down three new things you are grateful for when you wake up. 

Continue for 29 more days.

[waking up focusing on the positive can be a great start of your day as positivity feeds positivity]  

My own addition: Write down one of your most significant prayer for the day.

[remembering your prayer will easier identify that they actually came true...]

DAY 2

Write down one meaningful thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 

Continue for 28 more days.

[when you start you will find so many little things in life to be grateful about]

DAY 3 

Reach out to someone you know and praise them. 

Continue for 27 more days. 

[you know what it feels like being told by someone how special you are to them, return the favor!]

DAY 4

Start doing cardio for at least 15 minutes a day. 

Continue for 26 more days. 

[exercise releases endorphins do I need to say more?!]

DAY 5

Start meditating for at least 5 minutes a day. 

Continue for 25 more days. 

[deep breathing keeps us relaxed, provides oxygen to the blood and helps clean out toxins]

DAY 30

You made it! We hope you will keep these habits going beyond the challenge! 

I put the writing part of this challenge on different colored post-it notes and I post them on my wall in my bedroom. When I have completed the 30 day challenge I will buy a journal and put them all in there... It is visual and exciting and my wall is growing of positivity!

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"I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints... 

...Love and Faithfulness meet together; Righteousness and Peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and Righteousness looks down from heaven."

-PSALM 85:8, 10-11 

 

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12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

I love my Angels

I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.

This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...

I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.

God does love me.

Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.  

Help me God.

Leaving you

It's been a while since I shared my feelings. It is not because they have gone away. In fact they have grown stronger.

I have come to the conclusion that I must leave my husband to feel peace in my life. To be able to do the things I was meant to do. Just as recent as yesterday I was reminded by my Guardian Angel how he told me I shouldn't have married him. I knew it back then but did it anyway. It was like every cell in my body was vibrating silently saying "don't marry him, don't do it". I guess some people call it intuition.

I did it anyway... and here I am now.

It is not really that I regret the whole journey of being married to him because it has led me to see so many beautiful things and I have met so many beautiful people. For those things and those people I am blessed and extremely thankful.

When I realized I needed to leave  him, I automatically grew stronger. I know this will be a hard year but yet a wonderful year. That more good will come out of it. The only problem - how will I gain the confidence to say it to him...

Please pray for me. 

Sometimes you get what you need

- "That is why I never want to have kids" he says pointing at the dog who just peed on the floor because he was so scared.

The words felt like multiple knives stabbing me from within. I have heard those words so many times but it will never get easier. Probably the opposite as time goes by and my biological clock starts to beep even louder... It is somehow easier to deal with not becoming a mother, ever, when it does not get reinforced almost every day. Without the reinforcement the torture does not become so evident. You can walk thru the day without really realizing you just lost another day to try to become a mother. Ignorance is blizz...

But I don't have that luxury. I get reminded more time than I need to that my heart aches to have a child but I never will... Not because I cannot get pregnant, but because he does not want me to get pregnant. Every little chance there is to bullet proof his plan, I get reminded.

At this point I am is even too scared to tell him how I feel about it. It is wrong you might think, but you are not walking in my shoes...

When we got married a few years ago, he had already made it clear that he did not want to have any children. So I knew. But I also knew that he had said that he never wanted to get married, or settle down... but here we were married and settled down. So I will never stop hoping that he might change his mind on this too. I also, however, promised myself that I would never ask him to reconsider. Stupid maybe... and maybe I will one day.

A second thought after the first heartache is off course the question of if I want to have children with someone who absolutely does not... What good would it do unless the baby grabs a hold of his heart and never let go... then maybe it would be worth it. But if that does not happen... then what? I think you would feel so alone... and probably helpless.

But in the end God has a purpose and I believe in His purpose. I am willing to sacrifice myself to walk the path God has made for me because sometimes God does not give you want you want, but what you need. Thankfully the faith I have recently gained for God has kept me pretty strong and it forever will. Just a year ago I would crinch at the thought of talking about God and the Bible. Not anymore and for that I am so grateful. It is way more peaceful this way.