It didn't happen it was just locker room talk

When abuse is invisible…

When abuse doesn't have proof…

When abuse doesn't have witnesses…

It didn't happen…

When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…

When the abuser is nice to some…

When the abuser say it didn't happen…

It didn't happen…

More than ever before, these are things we are hearing on a daily basis. And while it is important to have a discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. While people in general are against abuse (I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.

It shouldn't be “it is terrible this happened, but…” or “he said it, he didn't do anything”, or “It was locker room talk”, or… you fill out the rest.

I will make a short political statement here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion, sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees, our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right?

Or was it all for one?

Did I get it all mixed up?

Confused…

Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or ignorant – that is ok – you have that right.  Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “locker room talk” it wasn't just talk to me.

The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know, my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no to drinking water from his own glass.  

The second time wasn't much different. We were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy, and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously. He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as he got in the car to leave…

That happened. That happened to me. But since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so.

Women aren’t coming forward now because it is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who have, just like me, been hiding from what that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened… That is why they are speaking up.

You see… abusers may abuse in different ways but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”. How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault. Ever.

What to make America Great Again?

How about NOT building a wall that is smelling very similar to the Berlin wall.

How about NOT preventing people from entering the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II became such a big devastation for humankind.

How about NOT hating people that doesn’t come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity.

How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. 

How about SMILING at your neighbor

How about SAYING HI to a stranger

How about OFFER A HAND to a friend

How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in case you never get another chance

How about LISTENING to someone that needs someone to talk to

How about TRUSTING what is morally right

Sending you all love 

A word from a dating expert

One of my new-found favorite business men: Matthew Hussey just sent "me" an email saying "Are you dating a narcissist?" So, let me share his words with you too as they are very valid in the dating world...

Does he like me?
Why didn’t he call?
Should I text him first?

How can I get him to commit?

No matter what city or country I’m in on my live tour, no matter how many emails are in my inbox, I can guarantee that I’ll be asked these common questions (multiple times). But just as I was starting to think I could read your mind, a surprising question started popping up again and again recently:  

Am I dating a Narcissist?  

Whoa.  

“What do guys mean by ‘I need space?’” – THAT I’m used to answering. But “does my boyfriend have a major personality disorder?” THIS was going to take some research… I put my brother Stephen to the task of tackling this tough topic and he’s composed a checklist of 11 (sometimes subtle) traits that can help you determine whether your guy qualifies as a Narcissist, so you can get out before you get in too deep.  

Here’s Stephen…  
*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
Narcissists fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.
Many disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists, sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.

Whether in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness. 

It doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.

Narcissists can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please. Sounds too good to be true, right? 

Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other people)!

What will likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together, takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and human generosity that he doesn’t show. You might not even be able to put your finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved, will tell you everything you want to hear. 

11 Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist 
How do you spot these creatures then? The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds:

    •    Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments.  
He does most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly devotional as a Justin Bieber fan.

    •    Selfishness with giving praise. 
He rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder.

    •    Every story you tell becomes a story about him. 
You’re in the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly, yours just isn’t that interesting to him.

    •    Envy. 
He is insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he is.

    •    Lack of curiosity about you. 
Your inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to.

    •    Takes credit, avoids blame. 
He takes credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how others played no role in his successes.

    •    Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you “have issues”. 
He assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting pressure on him.

    •    Ignores your plans. 
Your dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily obsession.

    •    Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great guy’. 
He only does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.

    •    Won’t assist with your projects. 
If your path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your meager projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination?

    •    Unable to apologize. 
He just cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and attack your character as a means to defend himself.  

I know nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly. But stack enough of these behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just won’t get.  

He’ll say all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will. That’s because he’s seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t match what he sees in the mirror.  

And the mirror always comes first.  

(Back to Matthew…)  
*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *  
<You> belong with a man who will cherish you, love you, and put you first in his life.

Whether you’ve been wasting your time on a bona fide Narcissist, or simply not getting your needs met by a guy who’s not living up to your standards, you deserve better.

Just a nightmare

Last night was the first night I had a nightmare about Thunderstorm... It was one of those dreams that felt so real and one that I will remember for a while.

It was time for the Christmas party I help arrange for work. It was a black tie event so every woman wore a wonderful dress, mine was blue; royal blue, long, and made me feel absolutely beautiful. Everyone at work was allowed to bring a guest and I had a guest. A wonderful friend, a handsome man. He was wearing a black suite with a pink shirt and he wore it like someone that knows fashion! (aka not over-sized or whatever else I see all the time that makes a man in a suite not look as attractive as he should).

I walked in to the ballroom together with the team who had helped arrange the party and their guests. My guest, walked a little bit behind carrying my glass of wine. I looked around in the ballroom as I walked in and I see him. He sits on a spot where someone else were suppose to be sitting. He looked at me with eyes cold as the devil.

I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to kill everyone who cared for me. He wanted to kill everyone who was my friend and leave me all alone... I turned around and told my guest to get as far away from me as possible and pretend not to know me. Panic started to grow inside of me as I was trying to alarm the others in the team...

"911" I whispered to the team. "He is here"...

I was desperately trying to figure out how to get everyone out of there before he could do what he was there to do. Kill people, then kill himself so he wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions. I knew it wouldn't be enough time to call the cops and if we did he would have done even more damage.

...Then I woke up... almost shaking. 
   

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

11 of 20 - I better not speak

Public Embarrassment. In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser". 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- There are more times than not where I find myself wanting to engage in a conversation. Tell people I have a different opinion and that I don't agree with this or that. And sometimes I just want to tell a joke or talk about a feeling or whatever.. but I don't. I say nothing --- I smile. I nod. I agree. 

I didn't used to be like this. I used to say what I felt, what I was thinking and love to exchange ideas with people no matter the subject. It's just one of the way I love to interact and get to know people. By tapping into their mind and feelings. That is normal to me.

During the years of being with this man I am still married to today I have been targeted too many times to be myself anymore. One time, I was making Christmas cards to send out to my friends and family, I started to miss home very much, or the feeling at that point become to overwhelming to keep inside. The tears started falling down my cheeks and I started sobbing out loud. I turned around and looked at him and in-between my tears I expressed to him how lonely I felt. That I missed my friends and my old life very much. (I used to see my friends every day before I moved to the US, they were always around me and I loved it, them, and even myself).

Instead of comforting me with a hug or kind words of empathy and compassion, as I had expected I think, he asked me: "don't you consider David and Laura (names made up) to be your friends?", referring to a couple he grew up with that I had gotten to know through him. I answered that I consider them to be my friends, but that they in the end they are really his friends and they don't know me like the friends at home. He became furious. So angry and left me all alone with my lonely feelings. Later, about a month or so later it was his birthday. We had made a date with David and Laura at this nice restaurant to celebrate Thunderstorm's birthday.

As we sat there, something in the conversation triggered a memory for him and he brought up the conversation that we had had that time about two months earlier as I was sitting on the floor making Christmas cards. Instead of telling the whole story, he told David and Laura that I didn't see them as my friends. Period. The end. He got angry again and almost got them on his side. I started to cry and left the table. Laura followed me to the bathroom where I could explain to her what I had meant. The whole evening was ruined after that and I sat in silence.

(Side story: I later found out that he had been talking to a female friend on facebook, about this particular evening. He had told her that he would rather have sex with her than having to go to this dinner date that I had arranged. But that he was looking forward to the next time they saw each other. It was a great read... and I felt even more lonely after it.)

I am a very open minded person. I normally don't keep secrets among friends and like to have an open conversation about pretty much anything. One time we were hanging out with friends at a bar and some people started to get into talking about sex and I shared a horrible (funny way) sex story from my past. Everyone laughed and we moved on to someone else's story and laughed again. When we got home. I got to hear how I absolutely cannot talk about previous sex experiences among these friends because they are not sexually open like that... I got yelled at to the point of me crying so hard not even hearing what he was saying. What confused me the most was that everyone else was talking about strange sex stories... but I was not allowed???   

Sometimes the humiliation comes in private and sometimes in public. I don't think he cares to be honest.. It is whatever he feels is right for the situation. One thing that I can count on though.. is that if I open my mouth something bad will happen sooner or later. It will be twisted around to mean something completely different than what was intended. It never fails.

7 of 20 - I'm sorry it is all my fault - I think but I am not sure, you confuse me.

It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

This mind-twisting game is what is getting to me the most. Every time we have an argument or disagreement even, he has an incredible ability to twist anything and everything I say into something completely different. He even twists my actions into something completely different.

Me working extra hours to get more money to pay bills is not seen as me helping out. He sees it as me not catering to his needs and requirements. (huh???) Yet in the next breath he is concern about how much bills we have...

For the longest time I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Because most of the time after an argument he had pretty much convinced me that I was the one that had done something wrong and he had the right to act anyway he pleased. That I should appreciate that he has the "balls" to set me straight and teach me how I should act and what I should say. And ultimately what and how I should think...I should appreciate that...

I am not saying I am perfect. I do make mistakes all the time, just ask him. But at what point does a missed phone call calls for verbal abuse? Or when does a headband calls for having hangers being broken and thrown in your direction? When?

One time we were heading out for dinner and I wanted to get something in the mail before it was going to be picked up. I walked out of the house with the mail in my hand and stopped to talk to a neighbor who just walked by with his two dogs. He had recently gotten home from the hospital due to a pretty serious injury and I wanted to see how he was doing. We talked for maybe 10 minutes and then I left for the post office. I was probably back at the house within 30 minutes but before I had gotten home He had left. He was FURIOUS. There was no way to calm him down. I was late, even if I didn't have a time to watch. I had prioritized the letter before him... and he didn't want to eat dinner with me anymore. He didn't return until really late that night after yelling at me on the phone multiple times threatening with divorce.

It was all my fault. Always is. Always will be.
What I am saying is that mistakes are being made every day. But to abuse someone for making them and making the person feel that they deserve the abuse is beyond WRONG.

5 of 20 - I am just lonely

Cutting Off Your Support. In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- This was easy. My whole family lives in Europe. He got that taken care of when I moved to the US. Not that he forced me or anything like that. I wanted to move. I do believe I was meant to live here for some of my life and I still do, I am not meant to leave yet no matter how much I miss my family and friends... I  have a purpose here still. 

However, he will discourage me to hang out with my friends here. He never wants to hang around my friends. If there is an after-work event or even a party over the weekend I feel like I have to lie or decline the invitation. If I lie and go I can never stay long. The only time I spend time with my work colleagues after work hours is if we are traveling together or he is away and I don't have to declare every minute of my day. It is the only way for me to go and enjoy it.

He does not always say no to me going but will make a big deal out of me leaving him alone, trying to play into my conscience. "What am I going to do then", "What am I going to eat", "Who will keep me company".. etc. See, he has pushed his friends away so he always have to recruit new ones on a bi-yearly basis I would say. So normally he does not have anyone to call and hang out with, and I don't even feel he wants to.

Last year I did a mud run with some of the people I work with, and we had dinner afterwards. In the middle of the dinner he calls and I ignore it, sending a text saying I will leave in a little bit and will call when I do. I called maybe 30 minutes later as I was driving away and he is screaming like the house is on fire. "How can you spend time with these people, you don't even know them!" and "They are not your f%#ing friends, you are stupid for thinking that!" 

Huh?? I work with them. I care for them and I know they care for me too. We actually have fun together! I rather spend time with them than YOU you Loser!

He has already won this fight. Because at this point I have stopped getting invitations from people at work. They know I will say no and my friends outside of work consist of two people. And their husbands are tired of hanging out with my husband since he is so "intense".

 

"God is with me and will keep me wherever I may go" ~ Genesis 28:15

4 of 20 - I am not all that

Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- We had been at Macy's for maybe 30 minutes trying to find something for him to ware at a party later that night. He was getting frustrated as things were too small, too big, too fitting, wrong color, wrong people around, wrong temperature, etc., you name it. As we are pretty much storming out after actually finding at least one shirt for him he said "I can't believe you even like shopping when you are too fat for any of the clothes anyway".

The comment hit me like a baseball bat. I know I ain't a Victoria's Secret model but I sure ain't fat! I silently cried the whole way home and he didn't acknowledge any of it.. It was heartbreaking hearing that from someone that is suppose to support you. I have lost about 15 lbs since then and he won't even give me a compliment for it. He is unable to. Completely unable to say something nice about me to me.

I can't do tasks in front of him anymore because if I do I am sure I will get a comment that I am doing something wrong - it happens every time. And just the fear of doing something wrong in front of him makes me do things wrong! In his eyes I can't cook.. so now I actually believe I can't cook - yet every time I have other people over for dinner they love my food, every single time. 

Sometimes I say things, in a sarcastic or funny way which everyone gets and laugh at. Later, when no one is around he will call me out on it. Yell at me like I insulted him, saying he is so ashamed of me for saying this or that. This happens often. Once he was so angry with me for making a joke on the behalf of his friend (that his friend even laughed out loud about) that I felt the need to apologize to his friend. When I did, his friend had no idea what I was talking about and said with a smile "I don't get offended, I am the biggest joker here, you know that!" I was relieved even though I kind of knew that was going to happen, because no one thought my joke earlier was an insult to anyone.

Later he found out that I had apologized to his friend and blew up even more. He was so angry with me that he wanted to divorce me. (I should have said yes). I still don't know why he was so angry with me for apologizing. It just does not make any sense.  

At this point I don't know what I am doing right anymore because everything I do is wrong.

3 of 20 - When aggression is routine

Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I think this is what I fear the most. This is exactly why I am afraid to say ANYTHING that goes against his ideas, ideology, and even way of acting. I can't say a thing, because what if he does turn his aggression into physical abuse? I mean, even my feelings are "wrong" in his opinion. I should be angry at stuff that I am not, I should be excited about stuff that I am not, I should not like things that I do, etc. etc...

He has never physically hurt me but if you read the 1 of 20 post from yesterday you know that he has been close. When talking about fighting others, he does so with pride. He is proud of being able to tear someone else apart with his bare hands. He is proud of hurting someone so bad that they can't get up, and he is proud for not getting caught doing it. He believes that every man (boy) should know how to fight. That he is not a man if he doesn't fight. Fighting is a sign of being a man... (maybe he was just born in the wrong century).

I must say though, that him getting involved in fights was a long time ago now, years.. but the threat is still there, he kind of make sure he advertise himself as a fighter to scare people off. He always speaks with at least a pinch of aggression and authority, even if he does not mean to. It is like his aggression is a shield to protect him... 

I have witnessed violence being used against others and felt it being used against me by him, it is routine at this point. I am, to be honest with you, afraid of my husbands temper and ultimately him. And I know others are too. It is hard for me to even put into words how much this aspect of who he is is affecting me because it is a daily thing pretty much. I get nervous automatically when he calls. I get nervous when he walks through the front door. I get nervous when we are going to do something together and with other people... Because you never know when he is going to (in my world) freak out again.

There are little things. He can freak out at the people that picks up the garbage if they don't do it on the right day. The person cutting him off in traffic better prepare for a person tailgating him/her for a while with the high beams on while the people sitting in the car with him get's to hear every bad word there is. If the waiter does not bring him his drinks on time your dinner date should just be cancelled because there is no point, he has already lost his temper. He gets angry so easily - even at things that to me are just stuff you should brush off your shoulder and move on. That it is not worth your energy to even acknowledge. It is almost like he is obsessed with it. That being angry is comfortable for him. He knows how to be that person.

Maybe that is why I am so nice to people. There always have to be a Yin to a Yang...

2 of 20 - Just not him

Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

I will have to say that out of the 20 "The Loser" signs that I will be writing about in the next few weeks this one, he does not comply with. And it makes me think --- how on earth did I fall for this guy if there wasn't a honeymoon phase, where he would drown me in compliments and gifts - or something?!!!

Ok.. let me take a step back... There were nice nights in hotel rooms, good dinners, cozy movie watching where I actually got to pick movies, awesome sex, good conversations, he would even come to the mall with me and my best friend waiting for us to get our nails done. He was sweet but not overly persuasive.

To be honest I don't know why I continued to see him - I was never "in love" with him. But I was interested in him. He was different. (Oh Boy was he different... however not the type of different I was looking for as a lifetime partner.)

He would tell me I was good at a lot of things, especially in front of his friends but that soon changed.. To tell you the truth - I was the first person to say "I Love You". I said it even though he had already started to treated me badly - and he didn't say it back to me when I said it.

These days he think that "I love you" from his mouth is enough signs to let me know that he does in fact love me, unconditionally, and despite how horrible I am as a person....