Tuesday, October 18, 2016

It didn't happen it was just locker room talk

When abuse is invisible…

When abuse doesn't have proof…
When abuse doesn't have witnesses…

It didn't happen…

When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…
When the abuser is nice to some…
When the abuser say it didn't happen…

It didn't happen…

More than ever before, these are things we are hearing on a daily basis. And while it is important to have a discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. While people in general are against abuse (I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.

It shouldn't be “it is terrible this happened, but…” or “he said it, he didn't do anything”, or “It was locker room talk”, or… you fill out the rest.

I will make a short political statement here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion, sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees, our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right?

Or was it all for one?
Did I get it all mixed up?

Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or ignorant – that is ok – you have that right.  Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “locker room talk” it wasn't just talk to me.

The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know, my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no to drinking water from his own glass.  

The second time wasn't much different. We were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy, and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously. He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as he got in the car to leave…

That happened. That happened to me. But since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so.

Women aren’t coming forward now because it is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who have, just like me, been hiding from what that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened… That is why they are speaking up.

You see… abusers may abuse in different ways but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”. How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault. Ever.

What to make America Great Again?
How about NOT building a wall that is smelling very similar to the Berlin wall.
How about NOT preventing people from entering the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II became such a big devastation for humankind.
How about NOT hating people that doesn’t come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity.
How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. 

How about SMILING at your neighbor
How about SAYING HI to a stranger
How about OFFER A HAND to a friend
How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in case you never get another chance
How about LISTENING to someone that needs someone to talk to
How about TRUSTING what is morally right

Sending you all love 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Dating after abuse

Dating after abuse is a subject I never thought would be as tricky as it has been.
If you have been following my blog throughout my struggle you might remember that last year I felt like I had met The One. And, I must say that I still think he is The One however, it didn't work out in our favor… At least not for right now. Don’t worry I don’t cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, nor do I sit and stare at my phone hoping he will call or text me a simple “hello”.  Those days have passed… I don’t do that for a guy anymore.

Just looking back at these two years I have had plenty of dating experiences.
The first short relationship I ended up in was a 3 month long rebound. 100% rebound. Did I know it at the time? Heck no! I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. The man that could outweigh all the bad. He was amazing on so many levels in my eyes. Smart, handsome, tall, had an understanding about the world outside of his town/religion/color/etc, loved kids, the way he would hold me, and on and on. Like really – the Perfect Man! So, what happened? Well… I couldn't handle a perfect man! I didn't understand why he was so nice and helpful all the time. I didn't understand why he cooked dinner all the time while he asked me to just sip some wine in the living room. I didn't understand how I could be pleased without reciprocation. I didn't get it… And it made me insecure! I laugh at it now but it was STRANGE to say the least. Everything I ever wanted was right there in front of me but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for ONE thing – to RECEIVE all of this goodness.  So it didn't last.

After the perfect man I ended up in an open long-distant relationship/friendship with a man I had met on a business trip. He had been my emotional compass throughout my process of leaving. He was the one checking in on me. We were dating but we were also both dating other people. It may sound strange now, but at the time it felt like the perfect scenario. Even if I was longing for the perfect man (a new perfect man LOL) I had also realized that I wasn't really ready. I needed to see what was out there. Learn to know myself...

The spring and summer of 2015 went by with random dates and visits to Mr Long-distant Guy. It was a great summer. My physical needs were met. I had a place to stay. I had food. I had an income. And, I had sex. Emotionally I was disconnected. Emotionally I was frozen. I didn't feel safe yet to let anyone in. At least not a guy, because who knows… he might just be an abuser in disguise. So I shut a lot of guys out before they even had the chance to see me again. It worked.

Then, The One appeared at the end of the summer of 2015. I was nonchalant with him too. I wasn't going to let him in. But then, on the third date something happened. My stomach started to flutter, sparkle, twinkle as I saw him come walking towards me. I honestly asked myself what the heck was going on. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't. The way he would literally ignite my soul was so new to me. I had this “OMG! This is how it feels like to fall in love” thoughts come flushing over me constantly. Previously, I had thought that maybe I wasn't capable of feeling those feelings. He made me feel like there was fireworks going off every time he crossed my mind, he held my hand, or whatever. I couldn't believe it. But I sure as heck was feeling it. I knew. I just knew…

It only lasted 4 months. And it was painful when it was no more. More painful when I realized he had another girl friend just a few months later. But despite the pain, the spark he ignited in my soul is still lit. I know what love feels like now, and that is a miracle in itself.

After the painful breakup I was determined to move on. I found someone else. It was online and before I opened the app I asked the Universe to bring me a man I would love to hang out with. And the Universe delivered. I met someone else. His smile was/is to die for! We could speak for hours over the phone and he came from an abusive past so we really had a lot of similarities. We lived 2 hours away from each other so we only met on weekends mostly. After our first two months together however I started to feel like something was missing, I just couldn't pin-point what it was yet. He seemed to be very into me and we did have fun together so I kept at it. And come on… his smile… To. Die. For. No. Joke. We also shared so many ideas about business that it seemed like too good to be true sometimes. He got me and my business. I got him and his business. 

But… yeah, you could feel it coming couldn't you?!… the “but”. He started to pull away. Not showing up to our weekends together. Stuck talking about himself. And it was just not a good feeling. I realized I was holding on to him not only because of his smile but because of the pain I saw him still be in. I believed I could help him out. I knew I could. However that is not the job of anyone. So the more I tried to “be there” for him the more he pulled away, until it all blew up in my face. I don’t blame anyone for the blow-up, I just see that we weren't a good match at this time. He had more releasing to do on his end from his past then I did and he wasn't ready to open up. He was me a year ago pretty much. So our nine month long on-and-off relationship ended. I still love his smile but realize he has to fight his own battles.

At this point in the story we are here. Current time. And, I have met someone else. Someone that pretty much took The One off my mind. Is he the new The One?! You may wonder… No he is not.. but he is another soul-mate connection. (I believe in multiple soul-mates). And right now I am figuring out what our relationship is and what it can be…

So from Perfect man, to Mr Long-Distant, to The One, to Smiles, to Soulmate… and let’s be honest a few other I didn’t even mention in between – I have learned a lot about stuff.
Love. Relationship. My likes and dislikes. And I have learned about Me.

I have learned that I deserve kindness, that I deserve to receive, that I can only help myself, that a relationship is mutual respect and love, that I am allowed to speak up, that I am allowed to feel differently, that I am allowed to ask for what I want, that I am allowed to be treated with nice “things”, that I am allowed to be protected, and that I don’t need to sit around waiting for a guy. That I am the first person I need to be in a relationship with – now and forever.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

What two years can do

It has been two years now.

Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...

When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.

I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...

Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do.  

Two years and life gets better and better...

Thursday, December 17, 2015

PTSD is "just" a diagnose

What is a diagnose? Does it make us stronger or does it keep us trapped? 

I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I have the signs. I have the feelings. I have it.... but I kind of refuse to obey by it because I don't want to be trapped in a diagnose. What if they say "once PTSD always PTSD"? then what? It is kind of like the fact that a bumble bee is too heavy to fly, but since it doesn't know this fact it still flies!

I don't want to have it and I am working very hard not to have it... So I don't even pay attention to the fact that I do have it. Never did and I don't think I ever will. Because if I feed it even a slightest "I don't have PTSD" I will give it energy...

So instead... I focus on love. I must. Love vs PTSD... I choose LOVE! Love will win :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

On Cloud Nine

I am bubbling over and I just HAVE to share this with the world. And what better day to do it than on 11/11 - the day our manifestations are the strongest, the day our thoughts becomes reality. Today is for positive thinking. Today is for affirming what we want!

It's been over a year since I left a world in darkness and have walked a crazy path back to confidence, love and self-appreciation. The path have sometimes been too difficult and sometimes full of laughter and joy. But each and every step has brought me here today. I can proudly say that I love myself and to announce that I am IN LOVE.

You guys are the first to know. He doesn't even know it. At least not from me telling him... He is the ONE. I know he is. Ok, that's it.. I have too many thoughts in my head and in my heart to really share but yes - he is the one and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

Monday, September 14, 2015

One year of Freedom

“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear…”

As I today celebrate my 1 year anniversary of freedom, “Happy Independence day” as my sister just texted me earlier, I think back to those days leading up to my exit and the days after. I am not sure which days and emotions were the worst to deal with: The fear and anxiety prior to leaving or the guilt about having left, fear of going back, and wondering how this is all going to go… but they were all swirls of black… yet I sometimes think I got out so “easy” compared to many others.

I am here to try to inspire you who are still in wishing to get out, with the truth behind the above quote “everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear”.

You want an understanding and loving husband/boy friend – he is out there. You want a life away from fear and walking on eggshells – close that door behind you. You want your children to grow up in a safe and loving environment – bring them with you. You want to be able to wear whatever you want when you go out – open up the closet. You want to engage in hobbies and interests because you love it - J no one will stop you. You want to chit chat with your best friend into early morning giggling yourself to sleep – invite her over. You want a backside day where you eat dessert before dinner and wear PJs until 9PM – the kids will love it...

All of that and so much more is within reach as long as we are able to work through the guilt and fear. The guilt and fear are conditional feelings we have been taught to feel by our abusers. It is not how the real world looks outside of our own little reality. That reality when absolutely nothing is easy. Everything has a condition or a side effect. That is not life, that is life in prison under supervision. Your life will never really flourish when you are in that prison. It will always be dark, or have hints of darkness… Most people that try to stay will tell of this truth.

Being out has its struggles, yes, but we are talking about struggles that don’t have to end up in fear, anxiety, and guilt. Normal day-to-day struggles. “what color shoes should I wear today”, “oh shiit, I forgot to get milk and eggs yesterday” etc. It’s never about I think he might kill/harass/hit/ridicule me, or give me the silent treatment, or cheat, or… Life IS better on this side.

I was in a car crash about 5 months out and the effects of it was still better than living in abuse. Even if I felt lonely and miserable at times. I had one thing to my strength: I never missed him. I never missed him as he had broken me so badly. That kept me away even if I at one occasion post-leaving sat on our drive way when he was away thinking to myself that maybe we could work it out. Thankfully I left in panic, realizing what I was about to do, before he came home to find me there. The pull to go back wasn’t about him I realized then, it was about stability and knowing a little bit more about what every day looked like. Then, I realized that I was allowed to create that for myself. I was able to create a new stability and new routines.

I failed at taking care of myself for a long time. Living without a kitchen for 4 months I added the habit of eating out every day and night. That weight I put on and what it spiraled into with my health are still stuff I have to deal with today. But I am getting myself together and confident that I will lose those 30-40 lbs again. If I gained them I can lose them right?! J

People that know me have told me that I am like a new person. And despite my huge weight gain (to the point I am wearing yoga pants every day) everyone I meet say I look so beautiful and full of life. My aura, spirit, and smile is at a whole different level and people are calling me for a beautiful person inside and out. They love the way I look (even if I sometimes wondering if they are blind LOL) then I realize that it isn’t about the weight – it is something more than that. 

I had to work HARD on that spirit. I have taken very many online classes, angel classes and meditation session to  get myself back. I have learned that it is far more profitable to ask “why am I so beautiful and skinny?” than to say “why am I so fat and ugly?” --- because the Universe will show you exactly what you are asking about. I rather know why I am beautiful than why I am ugly J Life becomes far more fun to live that way. I have also learned to say my gratitude out loud, even if they are not currently reality – yet “I am so, so grateful and thankful that I love to wake up early in the morning to exercise” (LOL) – It actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. People may call me crazy – but that is ok. I feel crazy-happy many times during the day. And that is far better then feeling like you are going crazy inside that abusive relationship. 

Unfortunately I don't have that one magic word that will get those of you who feel a little stuck to get out of your seats to do something. But I promise you that despite your fear, anxiety and guilt you are feeling today - it won't feel like that on the other side but you will have to fight those feelings to get there. Tell yourself that your abuser put them there to keep you there. Like that ball and chain to your ankle.     

Love and Blessings to all. 

Monday, August 31, 2015

How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.
He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.
As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?
Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.
Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.
Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Should you stay for the children?

A few things has recently circulated in my head. A lot of it has to do with children and people growing up with an abusive parent. (The abusive person in my little thought-process is a man, the father)

Depending on how you were brought up, different values plays a part in deciding if you are going to leave the relationship and split up the family forever. Most people, religion or not, have this general idea that “you should stay for the children”. I want to argue the opposite. You should leave for the children!

Everyone would probably agree that child abuse is a horrible thing. Any aspect of the child abuse is horrible. It tears your heart apart and you either can’t stop crying thinking about it or it’s so hard to think about that you don’t, because it is simply not ok to treat children that way. Growing up in a family where ones father abuse ones mother is also abuse. Call it something different like indirect abuse or whatever you want – it is still abuse. You are still living in an abusive environment. Children are extremely wired to sense things. They know when things are not right, even if they never see their father abuse their mother. They will sense the tensions and the fear. It is inevitable. You can’t hide from the energies that an environment like that creates. You just can’t. And you can’t protect your children from it either no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love those kiddos. You just can’t.

No matter the circumstances about how the children are witnessing the abuse going on in the family, by sight, by ear, by touch, or by energy… it will affect them negatively. Their core need for feeling safe and nurtured might be compromised. It doesn't take a psychologist to know that it probably doesn't create a stable growing environment, don’t you think?

You might speak up about wanting to leave the abuser to someone, a friend or a family member. Most of those people would in one way or another try to paint up a picture in their head. The perfect family picture. Even if the picture doesn't exist except for in their own minds, it is there and is very true to them. They will listen to your arguments to why you want to leave – but they won’t understand. Because: they will parallel your stories with something similar they have experienced and most people (thankfully) don’t have to experience abuse. But because they haven’t they don’t understand. They don’t see, hear, or feel your pain. In many cases they don’t want to and can't. They rather, for what seems to be pushing it under the rug and, keep pushing for the perfect family picture. None of it make sense but to them it does. Because they don’t understand. To you however, it makes you feel like the loneliest person in the world. That you should just suck it up and deal with it. It can’t be that bad. It is all in your head. You just have to work harder. After all; must stay for the children!

You push off the exit some more, and to no fault of your own, your children will live in that abusive environment for a little longer compromising their development just a little bit more. Because you are not only now dealing with guilt from wanting to leave the abuser but from wanting to split up the family! How dare you! Must stay for the children!

Time goes by, you stay for the children. Your son grows up learning by default how to treat a woman and partner. Your daughter grows up learning by default how to be treated by a man and partner. Will that be their future truths and lives? Hard to say… BUT WHY RISK IT?!?!?!!!!! Why risk the chance that your son will use his childhood as an excuse to abuse his children and/or wife? Why risk the chance that your daughter will chose a husband that will treat her just like your husband treated you? And why let society, religion, friends, family, etc tell you what you SHOULD do? Ask them to walk a mile in your shoes and ask them again what you should do! You are 100% entitled to YOUR own life. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be loved. You are allowed to feel safe. You are allowed to leave a relationship that cannot give it to you. Yes! Every day you are allowed that. I promise. You deserve it. And your children deserves it. And what child wouldn't want a happy mommy?!

The image of a perfect family should never override the true reality of what that family is going through. Never ever.

Leave for the children! 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

When will a gift be just a gift?

I have never been a person that have to have a gift given to me on my special days. But when those days passes by without any acknowledgement at all it is hurtful. You hope every time that this time it will be different. You never stop hoping. However, it never happens... You will never be acknowledged the way you deserve.

Instead, you learn about all the ways you do not deserve to be treated a little extra on your special day and that you are selfish to think that you do.

Now, when I am out of that situation... I still have a skewed view on gifts. I am still terrified of giving gifts because what if it is completely wrong and the person receiving it hates it and in turn will hate me for it?! (Trust me I know this is so stupid and that I should erase it but that is how the inner child in me is thinking/feeling). There is no logical reason to this connection besides for years of being treated so badly for giving gifts and for wanting gifts. Both were wrong.

Receiving gifts... oh boy. I may not always show it but when I do I will play the "you really don't have to" card... yet, inside I am crying like a baby. I am reacting very strongly to gifts just because I for so long believed I didn't deserve them.

It's been almost a year and I am now "ok" with people paying for my dinner, drinks, and maybe a movie and flowers. I feel like I could "deserve" this... But people have given me more stuff, bigger stuff.. trips, money, electronics... and I still do not know how to thank for them. I say "thank you" but I somewhere ask myself what I now have to do in return... so that one day it won't come back to me with "I gave you this and I got nothing".

My friends tell me that it is ok to get gifts. That people give gifts to those they want to and love to see a thankful and happy reaction - that the reaction is the returned favor in a sense. And I agree!!! But, I still don't understand why I deserve those gifts, those expensive gifts. Why do I deserve them?