It didn't happen it was just locker room talk

When abuse is invisible…

When abuse doesn't have proof…

When abuse doesn't have witnesses…

It didn't happen…

When the abuser doesn't abuse everyone…

When the abuser is nice to some…

When the abuser say it didn't happen…

It didn't happen…

More than ever before, these are things we are hearing on a daily basis. And while it is important to have a discussion about this so common and so hidden issue I feel like the discussion has taken a “he said, she said” approach on a whole different level. While people in general are against abuse (I am generalizing with a pinch of hope here) it is all being downplayed today in the political arena, depending on what side you are on. And that saddens me.

It shouldn't be “it is terrible this happened, but…” or “he said it, he didn't do anything”, or “It was locker room talk”, or… you fill out the rest.

I will make a short political statement here and then go on to the actual story – a future president shouldn't have this on his record, at ALL. A president should be as civil as the rest of us and be able to display respect for people from all walks of life – religion, sex, sexual preference, race… Being civil. Period. We ask it from our employees, our children, our friends, our enemies, our co-workers, our society… A president is not ABOVE all but rather FOR all… Right?

Or was it all for one?

Did I get it all mixed up?

Confused…

Not until the 2005 “locker room talk” video was released did I realized I had been victim for sexual abuse of the same kind he was talking about. Groping. Not until then. You may call me stupid or ignorant – that is ok – you have that right.  Well, it is not totally true that I didn't know... I remembered both incidences very well, I just didn't know what to call or label them as… Even though, I know someone just told me to call it “locker room talk” it wasn't just talk to me.

The abuser was my husband. My husband. Not a random guy. And it didn't happen in the bedroom. The first time it happened we were at a baseball game. He was drunk and could not stop grabbing, you know, my pussy. I constantly pushed his hand away until he got angry and told me I am his wife, it’s all good, it is ok. I left the seat and went to the bathroom were I almost fainted from how violated I felt and didn't go back out until a lot later. I didn't understand what had happened. I didn't understand why I felt so sick to my stomach. After all, he said it is all good. He on the other hand was furious I had told him no… Like I had no right. Like I had told him no to drinking water from his own glass.  

The second time wasn't much different. We were at a bar and he was once again drunk. He started to grab, you know, my pussy, and when I said no he didn't stop but rather got more forceful. He tried to unbutton my pants right there. I told him no. I told him to stop continuously. He didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. After all, I was his wife. It was all ok. He finally stopped but was furious and was going to leave me there as he got in the car to leave…

That happened. That happened to me. But since he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and for how long he wanted it... it didn’t happen. To him it didn’t happen. The only thing that happened, is that I ruined the moment. Both moments. I ruined the game and the night out for him. I did this. I made him angry. Because I wouldn’t let him grab you know, my pussy. But sexual abuse?! No… I just made him angry. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was my husband. And more importantly I was his wife. His wife. His possession. His. So there was no abuse. There was no assault. There was no groping. Because he said it wasn’t. He said so.

Women aren’t coming forward now because it is only a few weeks left until the election. Women are coming forward because the door has been opened. And the door was opened by the man himself. He was the one talking. He was the one telling the story of his reality… and women who have, just like me, been hiding from what that was, now have a name for it, now have an explanation for what happened… That is why they are speaking up.

You see… abusers may abuse in different ways but their language is all the same. There is something creepy abut abusers and the way they feel authority over others. How much they think they know and how right they always have to be. How incapable they are of saying “I am sorry”. How hard it is for them to stop. How they always have to win no matter who they will hurt along the way. When they try to say “I am sorry” they want something in return. When you win they will accuse you of cheating. When they later find out they were wrong they will change the story. They will blame others for defeat. They will blame others for their shortcomings… It is never their fault. Ever.

What to make America Great Again?

How about NOT building a wall that is smelling very similar to the Berlin wall.

How about NOT preventing people from entering the country based on their religion, because that is exactly how World War II became such a big devastation for humankind.

How about NOT hating people that doesn’t come from your block or share your hair color or the same taste in food, after all that is what this amazing country was built on. Diversity.

How about NOT thinking groping was just a talk that was never put into action. 

How about SMILING at your neighbor

How about SAYING HI to a stranger

How about OFFER A HAND to a friend

How about saying I LOVE YOU today just in case you never get another chance

How about LISTENING to someone that needs someone to talk to

How about TRUSTING what is morally right

Sending you all love 

Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

How any type of abuse is always physical.

A memory from my life with my abuser just surfaced a few days ago.

He was the type of abuser that would never lay his hands on me… and that made him feel proud of himself. That he would never physically hurt a woman.

He was brought up being told that you don’t hit a woman along with the belief that the most powerful way to win an argument was to fight it out, the winner of the fight was the winner of the argument.

As one side of that upbringing is true, the other one is completely insane and I think most people as they grow up would realize that this isn't the way to go. For him, the only thing holding him back from winning arguments by winning fist fights was the few lessons learned of getting arrested in his youth and early twenties. How that would interrupt his image now. He didn't want to go through that again. However many of his friends had already been conditioned by him. They knew that letting him win arguments, agreeing with him to his face, and always be on his good side was better for all. So they did, shaking their heads as they drove home and lived their happy lives forgetting about him and the conversations all together until the next time they would bump into each other.  

What about me?

Can you imagine what a conflict it must have been for him: Don’t hit women but you must beat someone down to win an argument”. It didn't turn out so good for me. I wasn't able to let him win all the time. I wasn't able to agree with him all the time. I wasn't able to be on his good side all the time. And I certainly wasn't able to jump into my car and drive away to my happy place. I was stuck. 

I can just see the steam pumping out of his ears as he is trying to figure out how to win an argument without beating me to pieces… I don't think this actually happened on a conscious level but somewhere it happened. He constantly stated how good of a man he was because he never hit a woman, me included. Like it was the only requirement… L

It wasn't long until he had figured out other ways to beat me into pieces without even touching me.

Mentally, sexually, financially… as much of it hurt my spirit I was also physically hurting.

Physically hurting from the worries, anxiety, and heart ache. Emotional suffering manifest itself as physical symptoms and that is why; Abuse is always physical… 

A word from a dating expert

One of my new-found favorite business men: Matthew Hussey just sent "me" an email saying "Are you dating a narcissist?" So, let me share his words with you too as they are very valid in the dating world...

Does he like me?
Why didn’t he call?
Should I text him first?

How can I get him to commit?

No matter what city or country I’m in on my live tour, no matter how many emails are in my inbox, I can guarantee that I’ll be asked these common questions (multiple times). But just as I was starting to think I could read your mind, a surprising question started popping up again and again recently:  

Am I dating a Narcissist?  

Whoa.  

“What do guys mean by ‘I need space?’” – THAT I’m used to answering. But “does my boyfriend have a major personality disorder?” THIS was going to take some research… I put my brother Stephen to the task of tackling this tough topic and he’s composed a checklist of 11 (sometimes subtle) traits that can help you determine whether your guy qualifies as a Narcissist, so you can get out before you get in too deep.  

Here’s Stephen…  
*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
Narcissists fall in love every day. It’s just always with the wrong person.
Many disturbing statistics have shown just how easy it is for narcissists, sociopaths, and the dangerously self-obsessed to thrive in the modern world.

Whether in business, fashion, or the movie industry, a delusional belief in one’s own talents and superiority can be just the quality one needs to bloom in professions that rely on selling an image of confidence and self-assuredness. 

It doesn’t help that narcissists are great seducers too.

Narcissists can be rich, powerful, talented, clever, charming and keen to please. Sounds too good to be true, right? 

Here’s the downside of dating a narcissist: It can take a really long time for you to notice the enormous downside (namely his complete lack of empathy with other people)!

What will likely happen is you’ll be with a guy who seems to have his life together, takes care himself, is highly successful, and even wants to take you out and treat you well. But you’ll notice something missing. Some form of caring and human generosity that he doesn’t show. You might not even be able to put your finger on it, because a narcissist, being someone who is eager to be loved, will tell you everything you want to hear. 

11 Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist 
How do you spot these creatures then? The signs are subtle, and it’s not usually just one behaviour. You need to look for repeated patterns of the following kinds:

    •    Needing too much attention for minor accomplishments.  
He does most activities for people to cheer and tell him how great he is, and acts like a child if people don’t give him the attention he craves. He is extremely sensitive about the slightest criticism. Most guys want their girlfriend to be their greatest cheerleader, but only a narcissist wants her to be as blindly devotional as a Justin Bieber fan.

    •    Selfishness with giving praise. 
He rarely, if ever, will give you praise for your own achievements or parts of your character he admires. In fact, he’s likely threatened by your success, and will become colder when he sees you rise up the ladder.

    •    Every story you tell becomes a story about him. 
You’re in the middle of telling him about an argument with your parents, and before you know it you’re talking about his relationship issues with his Dad. Somehow every conversation turns to his own grand internal struggle because, frankly, yours just isn’t that interesting to him.

    •    Envy. 
He is insanely jealous of other people’s achievements, and tries to belittle their success. If he can’t bring himself up, he’ll show why others are worse than he is.

    •    Lack of curiosity about you. 
Your inner world and thoughts are of practically zero interest to him. He is never truly interested in getting to know you as a person. He tends to ask superficial questions and only takes an interest when he’s told to.

    •    Takes credit, avoids blame. 
He takes credit for everything good, and rarely apologises for anything bad. He is awful at sharing his wins with anyone else, and will need to regularly prove how others played no role in his successes.

    •    Thinks he is never the problem – it’s just that you “have issues”. 
He assumes all faults in the relationship must be because you’re erratic, needy and unreasonable, not because he’s acting badly. If you’re upset, he blames you for being emotional, and makes you somehow feel bad for unfairly putting pressure on him.

    •    Ignores your plans. 
Your dreams are disposable and do not feature on his radar when he makes plans. His dreams, on the other hand, are of life and death importance and are a daily obsession.

    •    Does things to fuel his image of himself as a ‘great guy’. 
He only does things for you because he thinks they make you like him more or make him look better, rather than because he is interested in making you feel happy and fulfilled. The same goes for his friends and people around him. Anyone that threatens this identity he will swiftly disposed of, or instinctively avoid.

    •    Won’t assist with your projects. 
If your path to fulfillment somehow conflicts with his happiness and feelings of superiority, he’ll convince you to not to follow it. After all, what are your meager projects compared to his epic quest for glory and domination?

    •    Unable to apologize. 
He just cannot say sorry. No matter what he’s done or how obvious it is, he finds a way to justify and explain why in this instance it wasn’t his fault, or finds a way to excuse himself for having done something bad. Or he’ll just pounce and attack your character as a means to defend himself.  

I know nobody’s perfect. Even great people may have one or two elements of narcissism lying within them, ready to come out unexpectedly. But stack enough of these behaviours on top of one another, and you’ve got a man who will sooner or later leave you desperately wanting for affection, love, and kindness that you just won’t get.  

He’ll say all the right things when you’re upset. Of course he will. That’s because he’s seeing your view of him for the first time. And he’s scared that it doesn’t match what he sees in the mirror.  

And the mirror always comes first.  

(Back to Matthew…)  
*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *  
<You> belong with a man who will cherish you, love you, and put you first in his life.

Whether you’ve been wasting your time on a bona fide Narcissist, or simply not getting your needs met by a guy who’s not living up to your standards, you deserve better.

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

19 of 20 - How can you even think that?!

Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

My hair is a hot topic. I have colored it in different colors, I have cut it shorter, I have curled it and I have kept it straight. It is a subject he likes - if I do what he likes and a subject he loves to bring up if I do not. He likes it blond, long and curly.

One evening we were going to an event. You can call it "his" event, at least that is what he calls it because it was for one of the organizations he is involved in. I had to wear a gown and was going to put in my blond extensions and curl it. I truly looked like a princess. I also had a silver headband in my hair to match my silver-gray dress.

When I was done with my hair and make up he was so angry. So so angry that he made me shake. He threw hangers and told me he no longer wanted to go to this event that I had ruined it all. I thought, and said that I don't understand why you are so upset about me wearing a headband... And he replies "it is not about the headband it is about the fact that you do not want to do what your husband asks you to do. You are not willing to please me. After all this is my event and you should look the way I wanted you to look. It is such a small thing to ask of you and still you cannot do it." 

He has said the same thing over and over and over.. And still feels the same right about that he fully have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I cut it - it is making me look like a boy. I color it - I don't look like his wife and he cannot look at me... He just cannot understand how I cannot have my hair the way it would please him the most at all times, because it is such a small thing. But if I say that "yes it is such a small thing that you should allow me to have it the way I like it" he does not understand. That if I do, he has the right to call me out on it and make me feel like I am a horrible person. That I don't understand how to please him and that it is just a little thing that is so easy to do.  

I know this is not a really good example of the above statement but the truth to be told.. There has been so many conversations where he has twisted my truth that I no longer remember them or understand where it started and ended. All I know is that my thoughts are most often wrong and he pays very little attention to them. He seem to want to hear them but just to twist them around to make me feel like I am worthless. And bring them back later and use them as a weapon against me...

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

16 of 20 - Finding faults in others is like his power source

The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm loves to identify faults in others. That is the first thing he sees and he thrives on it. It makes him feel better about himself (I think at least - because why would he do it otherwise?) Last Saturday we were out for a movie and dinner and I cannot remember a good comment coming out of his mouth. He complained about the cost of going to the movies. He complained about the long wait at the bar before we could order our food. He complained about some people at work. He complained about me not being good at communicating. He complained about everything he could think of. And all I wanted was to hear one comment that was positive. One.

Being around a person that becomes an expert in complaining, criticizing and tormenting others and feel powerful doing it is a person that is draining to be around. You will never have enough energy to deal with it. You will never put a positive twist to the thought because he cannot see it... and you will ultimately be wrong for thinking a positive thought. You will be wrong and delusional and stupid. And the circle has started over - with you.. and it will always and forever come back to you until you break yourself free and get the f*ck out.

My energy levels are at dangerously low...
I am working on breaking myself out...
Soon. I. Will. Be. Free.   

15 of 20 - Intimidation

Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Intimidation...

This is so true and we should all be taught to see these red flags that are waving right in front of our eyes. And it happens early too! Just be aware that abusers can also turn the switch to "charming" and those are harder to find right away unless you have some serious BS radar going on. Some do and some are better at ignoring them.

Thunderstorm early shared his stories of getting into fights and beating people to the point that they could not move. Running away from the cops and having people cover up for him. These were all proud memories to him. He also often talk about how much he excelled in the Marine corp thanks to his aggressive ways - which in reality was the Marine corp rewarding abusive behaviors. Thunderstorm truly believes that the world should be ran as the Marine corps and that the world is his subordinate (a word he loves to use).

Fighting was a big part of who he was growing up. Who he identifies himself with. How he protect himself, how he resolved arguments and how he shows his emotions. This shines through even today in his actions, force and intimidation. 

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

13 of 20 - If you can justify your actions it is ok no matter what

Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.


Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-"But you lied to me" he said when I pointed out that he had smashed a hole in the wall a year ago and broken the mirror in the process. Yes, maybe I had lied to him and he had found out... I lie to him all the time, I admit, to protect my soul, that I don't remember what made him this wild this specific time. I wish I did. So I could give you a good comparison to his behavior.

What is the right reaction to a lie? And when is a lie ok? When can you brush it off your shoulder and when do you have to smash a wall? I wasn't cheating. I wasn't planning to celebrate Christmas with his parents behind his back (who he hates with a passion), I wasn't talking shit about him to anyone, I wasn't doing anything as drastic as punching a hole in the wall. But it is my fault he did that. I made him do that. He had no free will to allow himself to do it. I made him do it...

????!?!!!? Yes... I know.. Say you want to punch a hole in the wall because of something. At one point or another you are going to ask yourself "should I really?" and you will either decide to do it (allow yourself to do it) or not. Your hand will not swing without you making that decision.. and that is the truth. But for some reason in this specific incident, I must have taken his hand and swung it for him... because it is my fault there is a hole in the wall.

Makes completely sense! I finally see it ;)

Another letter to him

"Last week you told me that I was allowed to take time to heal myself. To focus on finding my happy place again. Even if I knew it was all just empty words I was still wondering how long it would take you to twist back into your old abusing habits. One day after you were kind of sweet. Prepared dinner, or started it at least. Kissed me with some kind of feelings behind it and had your guard down. But, day after day as the week progressed it just went back to like it has been for the few past months. Quite and nothing. Emptiness.

I know you blame me for it all. Because you think I don't communicate well enough. I guess you are right. I don't communicate at all - with you. I can't - whatever conversation we would have, it would end up with us thinking different and you would not approve of my thoughts.. I would be taken as "uneducated" on the subject or "you are not from here so you wouldn't understand"...

So less than one week after you told me I was allowed to find my happy place and that I told you it would take some time. You started yelling at me and got violent with a rake, hitting a trash can in front of me and told me to get out of your life. To pack my bags and leave. Something you have never done before.

The reason to why you acted up in this way at this moment is almost too embarrassing to even bring up. But for the sake of the story I will.. [You whom are reading this, I know you might have to read it again and think "did she miss anything of the story?" No, no I did not miss anything...]

- One day earlier you had cut down a few threes in our backyard. Trees you had wanted down since we bought our house. You did a great job doing it and you must have been exhausted! The following day you had worked a few hours and came home to clean up the leftovers in the yard. I was doing some cooking for a BBQ we were going to later that day. But, right before this - I had walked into the house after going grocery shopping and found you in the kitchen putting dishes in the cupboard, something you consider my task in the household. You were grumpy while doing it and I could tell by the way you were slamming stuff around. When I started to put everything I needed to make my dish on teh counter you said "I guess I don't need to clean anymore since you will just mess it up again" and you were referring to me cooking. Your choice of words however was all negative and I just felt attacked even if it wasn't anything worse than what you normally say to me.

You stepped outside and I started cooking. After about an hour you came in for a cold glass of water and I took the opportunity to ask you when you thought you would be ready to go to the BBQ. You answered that you probably wouldn't go because you needed to rake the yard to prevent the grass from dying. I didn't understand it at all and got sad. Not for me.. I was going to the BBQ no matter what but for you. The BBQ we were going to was your last chance to see your childhood friend before he took off on a 3 year deployment to Japan. I got so sad that you valued the grass rather then that last moment to spend time with your friend... I decided to go outside and help you as soon as I was done with the food. And so I did.

I got out there and started to help you drag trash cans full of raked yard waste... I had only brought one can to the front of the house and two empty ones to you... and you flipped out. You told me you appreciated that I wanted to help but that you worked faster, that I was too slow, that I should go inside and clean the house, do laundry etc... When I tried to tell you why I was even out there you didn't want to listen. I wouldn't give up so I kept interrupting you, something you absolutely didn't like. But I never thought you would act the way you did... That is when you screamed at me. "Do not interrupt me" and then you slammed the rake into the trash can and it flew several yards. I got out of the way and started walking away. You yelled at me "get the f** out of my house. Pack your bags and get the f** out".

I am so so sorry that I didn't! Yes, that is the truth. Yes, I would have been in a bad place emotionally but would know this would really be IT. The IT I had been waiting for. Praying for. and in a strange way looked forward to. I was and AM so ready to leave you and start my life.

Instead of packing my bags I got a little confused and as I was trying to make a mental list of what I needed I also desperately NEEDED to tell you why I was out there trying to help you... I wrote a note and put it on the counter. A note you later read and tore a part...

There is more to this story. It didn't end here but I am going to end it here. I never ended up leaving - even though I should have. I am still here, and so are you. The conversation we had after was draining and confusing, just as they always are with you. Mind-twisting expert as you are..."

~ Your soon to be ex wife

12 of 20 - You are just not good enough

It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- To even bring up examples here is hard because at this point I know I am not good enough. It has been beaten into me so many times that I live in a constant flux of not being good enough to knowing I'll make a mistake again shortly. It's like either you are not good enough now or you will be not good enough in a minute.. I don't even know which one is worse. Waiting for it to come might actually take the prize though. Because it is this build up, you feel it coming and then there is the blow-up. Boom - you are not good enough! And you can add whatever it was to your never ending list of things you need to do to improve yourself...

We sometimes interact with his friend's parents and some of them we love very deeply, or I do at least. This one mom, Carol always tells Thunderstorm how lucky he is to have me, that I am such a wonderful person and woman...

Later in an argument he will use terms as "you must have everyone fooled", "they don't know the real you like I do", "you hide all your imperfections so well when you are around Carol it makes me see that you can be this good person but towards me you are not, you must not love me enough" etc...

I guess he is really chocked that they think I am so "wonderful" since his list is far from flattering. And obviously his list is the truth. His reality is what matters. (Now, I don't know if there is an actual list but he can sure keep mental track of all the things I am not good enough at). And, in the end I should be lucky to have him because I would be completely lost without him... And who would really put up with me for a long period of time... Seriously?!

...Makes me wanna puke!

The worst part in this struggle is that you try even harder. You accept even more abuse and you forgive him more and more. Because, you are a great person and is dedicated to help him and why would you think that he is treating you like this because he just is a mean person - no, there must be a reason to his madness you tell yourself. This whole cycle leads to you taking his side by accepting that you are not good enough at anything because he has proven this to you so many times, no matter how twisted it is in reality. True reality does not really exist, to be honest, in an abusive relationship because his view is twisted and your view has been twisted by his twisted views. You become mentally addicted to the abuser, no matter how absurd that sounds. You think you need him to function. You forget to look within yourself. Until you wake up.

And the wake up call will come. And you will realize that you were right all along... And you will realize that you are someone. You are beautiful and you are worthy of a wonderful like.

Dear God, Today I pray that all the people (wives, husbands, children) that are currently being abused are being lead towards the light of hope and can find a way to escape the abuse and live a happy fulfilling life following the path God has set forth.