Where is your love?

Someone said today "I think we stayed in abusive relationships because (1) we didn't love ourselves enough and (2) we didn't want to be alone". And, I think it encompass so much of how you explain that endless question of "why didn't you just leave?" 

Many woman go into an abusive relationship both blinded to the abuse that is about to come and with the hope that she will be able to help him find peace and love by being around him. We think we are the key to his revelation and it becomes our prison. We become SO dedicated to help him that we slowly but firmly deplete the love we once had for ourselves. And since we never get any real love in return we run out at one point or another.

So, once you have depleted the self-love and are still trying to give someone else love, a parasite who can only live off of other people at that, you have nothing. Friends and opportunities don't come as easily anymore and it is a struggle to try even. You know there is so much that is wrong... but the parasite is still there sucking it out.

He is now starting a different phase of the abuse. He will do everything in his power to let you know how lucky you are to have him. That no one else would want you because you are so messed up, depressed, and unlovable. Plus the fact that you can't do anything right.

So how do you leave?
You have no love or respect for yourself. And you fear that his words are true, that you are worthless to the world...

I don't know. I honestly don't know how and when it happen - but it does. That a-ha moment when you realize he is a parasite and abuser and your depleted feelings are 100% valid. Things start to make sense.

But now what? Do you just pack and leave? What if you have kids? What if you have debt? What if you don't have a job? What if... There are so many what if's that keep us stuck after the realization. In order to step out into the real world you in one way or another have to shut off those "what if's" and move. Move forward, move sideways... JUST MOVE in any direction.

Find your self love again and realize that being alone isn't such a bad thing after all.

Valentine's Day

What a hope-filled day for some, excited for others, and a shear pain for many.
I have never been celebrated on Valentine's Day, instead I have been told: "Valentine's Day is overrated", "It is just a trick to sell cards, flowers, and candy", and "I love you every day why do I have to do something on Valentine's Day" 

As true as those statements all are and I am sure most of you have heard or even said them before... As a girl with a romantic heart that probably belong in the Disney movies - or perhaps the Hallmark Channel - I kind of want to be at least acknowledged in some way on Valentine's Day. Something different. Something.

What I really want is a bouquet of pink and red roses and a card - my physical need is shouting. ...and then I think... If I had received signs of love throughout the year(s) then maybe I wouldn't have this desire to get flowers and a card on Valentine's Day, because then, maybe I would too, say that Valentine's Day is overrated! That you don't need one day a year to make you feel acknowledged, because every day in your relationship makes you feel acknowledged and loved.

THAT is what I want - not flowers on Valentine's Day, but - to feel loved, appreciated, and acknowledged every day!

Side point: Cause how much would those roses mean to me if they were sitting here in front of me if they were given to me by a stranger on the street, a person from work, or an old lover perhaps?? - Probably not what I wanted when I first said it above, because what I want doesn't rest in the roses... it is the love behind it and the love I give back by receiving it... It is resting in the love-transactions before the roses even existed.

But I still adore red and pink roses together. :)

Love to you on Valentine's Day and every other day.

L.O.V.E.

It is the one wish I have. 

For me and everyone else. 

I want to love and to be loved in return.

There is no greater wish. 

 Am I asking too much? 

Do I have to settle for someone that I like? 

Do I have to settle for someone that claim to love me but I not them? 

No. I do not. 

And I will not.

I rather spend the rest of my life looking for the right one... 

...than settle with the wrong one.

Harsh? 

No, not if you have lived my life... 

Love. 

When you feel good thinking about him.

When you can't imagine yourself with anyone else but him.

When everyone else fade in comparison.

When you are within reach of him yet want to be closer.

When you feel completely calm and relaxed when he is there.

When  you could care less if you sleep or not as long as he is there.

When you have nothing to hide.

When you don't want to hide anything.

When holding his hand is like holding his heart.

When kissing him is like giving your soul to him.

When the moment you lay your eyes on him you know he is the one.

When telling him you love him does not feel like strong enough words to use.

He is out there...

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.

L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.

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Chosen by God for this new life of love, 

I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 

compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 

I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 

I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 

And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 

It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 

I never want to be without it. 

COLOSSIANS 3:12-14

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Everything

Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Do you dare to love yourself first?

A friend just shared this with me from a Domestic Violence class she had been to and I wanted to share it with you all too.

For me is it so true and so valid but one thing that keeps popping up in my head when reading it is time... I still want babies and I am in my 30's. How much can I afford to wait?

"Survivors need to focus on developing a relationship with themselves first before they try to develop strong relationships of any romantic sort. Why? Because they need to learn who they really are, not what they think men are looking for. Remember, women who have been abused have spent a long time trying to be the person another person demanded rather than the genuine person that they are. In the process, most survivors have lost track of their own personalities and need to take the time to rediscover who they really are. The person who deserves the most kindness and compassion is you.

During this phase, the survivor must learn how to talk to herself with a new vocabulary. Every time she hears that little voice in her head saying, "That was stupid." or, "You made another mistake." she needs to retrain herself to say, "Well, you are a smart woman who made a mistake, it is okay." or, "You did so many other good things today, you have really made great progress." Replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk is one of the first steps toward establishing a good relationship with yourself. 

A good "rule of thumb" when you make a minor mistake is to think of it in relative terms. If you forget to thaw something out for dinner, for instance, think about it relative to how you would react if a friend did the same thing. If a friend told you that she forgot to thaw something out for dinner, would you criticize her? On the other hand, would you tell her that it was not a big deal? If you would see it as a minor mistake that would not bother you because she is a great friend, then you should give yourself the same credit!  Always be at least as good to yourself, and forgiving of yourself, as you would be to your best friend!"

I pray for love

In church today I was taking my first communion in years. I can't even remember the last time I did it. We were asked to look through Christ when we look at our misfortunes and sorrows. Broaden our views and not only focusing on what is bad in life. The reason we are in pain right now is part of His plan. And one day we will understand why even if we can't understand today.

I do this. And I try to do this as much as I possibly can. I want to love life, people and opportunities. I want to give love to life, people and opportunities. And I do. I have so much love in my life despite of what I am going through that sometimes I feel I don't even deserve the love I am given. Because for some reason I put myself through this pain. I mean I put myself in the situation of receiving pain.

At the same time as I understand that God has a plan for us... I also believe in evil and that hate is easier to absorb. That hate can replace love. I will NEVER let that happen to me. EVER.

...But what I wanted to get to with that is that I do believe that there are evil forces in this world that are out of God's control. This dark side also have a free will just as we people do. And some people get attached to this dark side because I am sure it can look temping and easy from time to time.

But the longer you stay in this dark place the harder it will be to let love back in. To let it in and to let it grow. I feel that this sometimes happens to me. But I don't think it is because of hate. I don't hate anything. Hate is a strong word. I cannot hate. I love. I am a lover. However, from the hurt and the feelings of not being loved as I deserve I have become more careful with love. I read into things more than I used to, I analyze things. I question.. "is this love or someone trying to control me"... It is actually kind of draining to have these feelings even though it feels like I am not controlling them.

I only feel safe loving something like a dog, a friend, a task, a moment.. but to find love in someone of the opposite sex. You know a possible future partner - that kind of love is frightening me a little.

So today I pray that the leader of the worlds countries, powerful agencies and companies will let love in, in the place of power, greed and money to do good in this world. I pray that you, your family and loved ones will love more everyday, that you will find the light of hope in front of you and share the love that you have to make it stronger, extend it to those of you you don't know yet. Amen. 

In a normal relationship...

"In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life." From Dating a Sociopath

WAKE-UP CALL!!

A couple of months ago I came home from work with a letter. I was given a pretty nice 7% raise! I was so happy about it as I has been waiting for a raise for a while. It finally came and it was so nice it wasn't just the 2% that most people were getting. I felt so proud of myself and I thanked the people that I knew were involved with it happening. 

I showed him the letter. He congratulated me and in the next breath he took all the credit... How can you even do that?? He said that the only reason that I got a raise was because he had been pushing me to talk about my salary on a weekly basis for a looooong time. I never did any of that. I had the salary talk on my yearly review and that is it! He took the credit for my raise - how on earth???

Anyway.. that wasn't that bad.. I just left it at that. I have learned to shut up when there is no point in me getting upset by pushing back.

Now, he uses the raise as a sign that I don't love him. Can you believe that! That I spend to much time doing well at work that I forget to give him that attention he seeks all the time. Huh?!?!!! Yup.. I am just as surprised and dumbfounded every time he says anything about it. It's absurd!

I have a 1.5 year old niece. I have only met her twice. But I love her! I LOVED her before I even met her. About 6 months after she was born, and I had not been able to hold her in my arms yet, we had a pretty hefty argument, not about her... but once again about how horrible I am and how many wrongs I do. How I never make him feel loved enough. He brought up this little lovely girl and said: "How can you even love someone you have never met? She is no one. You put so much effort into loving her that you forget about loving me and taking care of me."

Are you f7$#$%g kidding me?????? (sorry I try not to use those words but seriously....).     

....All I can say is that I do not have a normal healthy relationship...
I pray that you do!

Show me your love card

I was sitting in the car the other day, driving to work and a thought popped up in my head. A thought from when we first met.

...He always used to say "I aim to please". Back then I used to think he meant to please me, or other people. But he meant to please Himself and only himselfself. Irony at its fullest to say the least.

These days he says "I love you" and seems to think that it should be enough. He even told me it should be enough when I asked him to show me some signs of love. Yet he asks me to be his maid, chef, porn star, cleaning lady, assistant, accountant, partner and laundry lady just to name a few... If there is laundry to be done, God forbid I enjoy the sunshine for a bit and save it for tomorrow. He may not get angry to my face... Instead he will start the laundry and huff and puff while doing it - like it is the worst task in the world...

In the same conversation about to show each other love I asked him to let me know if I am doing anything right. I told him that I could probably list 100 of things that he thinks I am doing badly.. it would be nice to have some on the pro side too. He became silent and instead of saying something like: "Oh, I like when you..." or "I'll think of it"..

He ended up saying: "But if you are doing something wrong should I just ignore it"? 

Now, is it just me or is that like completely missing the point?

I guess at this time it does not matter anymore. I have no love cards left. 

I love my Angels

I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.

This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...

I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.

God does love me.

Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.  

Help me God.

A first glimse

I am Lili Rose,
I am a real person and my story is a real story

I try to laugh every day. I try to give people around me a smile when I look into their eyes no matter if I know them or not. I guess I am also a little bit flirty even though my skills have been surpressed for a while it feels like.
 
Not many knows about the darkness that I feel inside. I even try to hide it from myself. At least a little bit just to be able to manage.

I am in my 30's and I still have many dreams about my future. What I want to do and all this love that I want to share with people. However my dreams seems to have a dark cloud over them. They don't match with the future dreams of His..

He is my husband. We still say the "I Love you" to each other, but what is love? Really? I feel that I have forgotten. We live in a house. We have a dog. We do have sex, every now and then at least. We try to eat healthy at least when I am on a health kick. We go to the gym, not together though, that is a disaster. I work and he works.

My dream is to make a difference in people's lives. But right now I am even afraid to share the love and compassion I have for my own family as he seems to make me feel it is wrong. I am afraid.

... this is my outlet - I want to share my story.