I feel like I am crying every day now. Maybe not with tears but my spirit is down. Being at work is a relief but at the end of the day I still have to go home to him. I was away on a business trip not long ago and all we did was fight. Fight over the phone and fight over texts. It felt good not having to be there face to face though. I rather fight with texts. It makes me feel like I am not backed into a corner and silenced by fear. I can actually say stuff.
This time, or during one of the many fights, he actually asked me if I wanted kids and I answered truthfully "yes". Obviously I never want to have kids with him. My life and my children's life would be unpleasant to say the least. Me showing love to anyone or anything else than him get's me in trouble. Our dog, my family, my brother, my sister, their children, my friends, my hobbies, music, exercise, etc etc... I wonder what would happen if I told him I LOVE God...
I have just read a few books written by Lorna Byrne: "Angels in my hair" and "A message of hope from the Angels" - (READ THEM) and can't wait to get the others I still have to read. And it is amazing how much I have opened up spiritually just by reading these books. I understand things in a different way now, or see things differently. It is mind blowing, exciting and also very comforting knowing there are angels around us, around me. And that, since we are the children of God there is a piece of him in all of us... Reading that as someone that has not been brought up in a home where we would practice Christianity very much brought tears to my eyes. Tears of happiness.
God does love me.
Lorna said somewhere that some people are drawn to the devil (the dark side) and easily let it in.. You can recognize this by anger, and bad thoughts, judging people etc, and if you are around someone that is close with this side you can lose your soul. This is where I feel I am. I feel he is buddy-buddy with the dark side. I don't want to lose my soul... I don't want to.
Help me God.
Showing posts with label longing for a baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label longing for a baby. Show all posts
Monday, April 21, 2014
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sometimes you get what you need
- "That is why I never want to have kids" he says pointing at the dog who just peed on the floor because he was so scared.
The words felt like multiple knives stabbing me from within. I have heard those words so many times but it will never get easier. Probably the opposite as time goes by and my biological clock starts to beep even louder... It is somehow easier to deal with not becoming a mother, ever, when it does not get reinforced almost every day. Without the reinforcement the torture does not become so evident. You can walk thru the day without really realizing you just lost another day to try to become a mother. Ignorance is blizz...
But I don't have that luxury. I get reminded more time than I need to that my heart aches to have a child but I never will... Not because I cannot get pregnant, but because he does not want me to get pregnant. Every little chance there is to bullet proof his plan, I get reminded.
At this point I am is even too scared to tell him how I feel about it. It is wrong you might think, but you are not walking in my shoes...
When we got married a few years ago, he had already made it clear that he did not want to have any children. So I knew. But I also knew that he had said that he never wanted to get married, or settle down... but here we were married and settled down. So I will never stop hoping that he might change his mind on this too. I also, however, promised myself that I would never ask him to reconsider. Stupid maybe... and maybe I will one day.
A second thought after the first heartache is off course the question of if I want to have children with someone who absolutely does not... What good would it do unless the baby grabs a hold of his heart and never let go... then maybe it would be worth it. But if that does not happen... then what? I think you would feel so alone... and probably helpless.
But in the end God has a purpose and I believe in His purpose. I am willing to sacrifice myself to walk the path God has made for me because sometimes God does not give you want you want, but what you need. Thankfully the faith I have recently gained for God has kept me pretty strong and it forever will. Just a year ago I would crinch at the thought of talking about God and the Bible. Not anymore and for that I am so grateful. It is way more peaceful this way.
The words felt like multiple knives stabbing me from within. I have heard those words so many times but it will never get easier. Probably the opposite as time goes by and my biological clock starts to beep even louder... It is somehow easier to deal with not becoming a mother, ever, when it does not get reinforced almost every day. Without the reinforcement the torture does not become so evident. You can walk thru the day without really realizing you just lost another day to try to become a mother. Ignorance is blizz...
But I don't have that luxury. I get reminded more time than I need to that my heart aches to have a child but I never will... Not because I cannot get pregnant, but because he does not want me to get pregnant. Every little chance there is to bullet proof his plan, I get reminded.
At this point I am is even too scared to tell him how I feel about it. It is wrong you might think, but you are not walking in my shoes...
When we got married a few years ago, he had already made it clear that he did not want to have any children. So I knew. But I also knew that he had said that he never wanted to get married, or settle down... but here we were married and settled down. So I will never stop hoping that he might change his mind on this too. I also, however, promised myself that I would never ask him to reconsider. Stupid maybe... and maybe I will one day.
A second thought after the first heartache is off course the question of if I want to have children with someone who absolutely does not... What good would it do unless the baby grabs a hold of his heart and never let go... then maybe it would be worth it. But if that does not happen... then what? I think you would feel so alone... and probably helpless.
But in the end God has a purpose and I believe in His purpose. I am willing to sacrifice myself to walk the path God has made for me because sometimes God does not give you want you want, but what you need. Thankfully the faith I have recently gained for God has kept me pretty strong and it forever will. Just a year ago I would crinch at the thought of talking about God and the Bible. Not anymore and for that I am so grateful. It is way more peaceful this way.
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