Be assertive

As one of my old self's biggest personality traits faded away during my marriage I am now tying to pick up the pieces and reclaim my own will. This is easy in my new home and when I am alone. I can paint whatever color I want on the walls and I can eat whatever I want for dinner. But when you mix in other people my assertiveness is out the door.

"Oh you pick.. whatever you want"
"I don't care we can watch the movie you want to see"
"Where do you want to eat, I can always find something I like at any place so I am ok"
"You tell me what time works best for you and I'll adapt my plans around it"

Those are just examples of what I will tell people and think. Yes, they are not important "stuff" to take a stand on, but if I can't do it when it does not really matter, how am I suppose to do it when it does matter? I have a homework assignment - to be assertive. Start with the little things. Make decisions, suggest stuff and share my thoughts when I do not fully agree...

Sounds easy right?!
Not for me! You see in my twisted mind I will automatically act as if you are going to judge me and never want to speak to me again (or something along those lines) if I want to watch a different movie than you, if I want to eat something different for dinner, or if I like a color that you don't like... It sounds really absurd but those little stupid things really have me watch what I say, do, think, and act. Deep down I know that you will never dislike me because I rather have pasta than steak for dinner - because I would never dislike you for it. Yet, I haven't been able to shake that insecurity inside of me. It is like a little parasite living off of me, chewing away with joy.

I know part of this comes with confidence, but the catch 22 is that I can't practice my confidence if I don't practice my assertiveness. So here we are... It's time for me to B E  A S S E R T I V E.

 And today this reading came to me (fit perfectly as always): 

"The Lord says to me, My grace is enough for you; 

for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in weakness.
Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses an infirmities, 

that the strength and power of Christ may rest upon me!" 

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Single?

Will I even be single again? Or do I for all future have to check the box "divorced"? Is there a rule to this? I don't want to be "divorced" I want to be "single".

The word "divorce" has such a bad connotation. Failure, baggage, blah blah blah.. The word "single" however seems to bring thoughts of being free, happy and beautiful - but maybe my view on things has been colored by my marriage. Yeah, it probably has... lol

But the question still remains - will I ever be "single" again?

Post Mediation

It went just as expected...
I was bullied on every aspect... and just like I would forget the verbal abuse while we were together I am now forgetting what he said to me yesterday. Go figure. 

But...I am moving into my own apartment on Saturday; something I can't wait to do! I stopped by today to take a look at it. It will be a good place for me! Lot's of light and a very peaceful view. That place was given to me by God... "these end units are NEVER available" the lady at the property management office say every time I talk with her. About a month ago I told Thunderstorm about my plans of moving this weekend over an email and he knew about some of the stuff that I wanted from the house.

Well the time is here and he is not refusing me to get access to the house to pick the stuff up. If he is there he states that he is "afraid that you will call the cops telling them I hit you". If he is not there he states that he is "afraid that I will steal some of his stuff"... So now he will pack up my belongings - or what he considers mine and leave them outside for me to pick up on Saturday at 10 am sharp. He will not be there. He says he will not be there... Let's pray he will not be there.

mediation #1

I am one hour and 20 minutes away from facing Thunderstorm. I am shaking. I want to vomit. I am so nervous. I have to sit in a room with him and a lawyer for two hours. Dividing our assets. I am sure this is a hard meeting for most couples getting a divorce... I just have to deal with the abusive side effects too.

I keep telling myself that no matter what happens in this meeting it is only for two hours and the outcome does not matter that much because I can leave with nothing. But yet I cannot seem to stop crying.

h. e. l. p.