What two years can do

It has been two years now.

Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...

When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.

I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...

Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do.  

Two years and life gets better and better...

One year of Freedom

“Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear…”

As I today celebrate my 1 year anniversary of freedom, “Happy Independence day” as my sister just texted me earlier, I think back to those days leading up to my exit and the days after. I am not sure which days and emotions were the worst to deal with: The fear and anxiety prior to leaving or the guilt about having left, fear of going back, and wondering how this is all going to go… but they were all swirls of black… yet I sometimes think I got out so “easy” compared to many others.

I am here to try to inspire you who are still in wishing to get out, with the truth behind the above quote “everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear”.

You want an understanding and loving husband/boy friend – he is out there. You want a life away from fear and walking on eggshells – close that door behind you. You want your children to grow up in a safe and loving environment – bring them with you. You want to be able to wear whatever you want when you go out – open up the closet. You want to engage in hobbies and interests because you love it - J no one will stop you. You want to chit chat with your best friend into early morning giggling yourself to sleep – invite her over. You want a backside day where you eat dessert before dinner and wear PJs until 9PM – the kids will love it...

All of that and so much more is within reach as long as we are able to work through the guilt and fear. The guilt and fear are conditional feelings we have been taught to feel by our abusers. It is not how the real world looks outside of our own little reality. That reality when absolutely nothing is easy. Everything has a condition or a side effect. That is not life, that is life in prison under supervision. Your life will never really flourish when you are in that prison. It will always be dark, or have hints of darkness… Most people that try to stay will tell of this truth.

Being out has its struggles, yes, but we are talking about struggles that don’t have to end up in fear, anxiety, and guilt. Normal day-to-day struggles. “what color shoes should I wear today”, “oh shiit, I forgot to get milk and eggs yesterday” etc. It’s never about I think he might kill/harass/hit/ridicule me, or give me the silent treatment, or cheat, or… Life IS better on this side.

I was in a car crash about 5 months out and the effects of it was still better than living in abuse. Even if I felt lonely and miserable at times. I had one thing to my strength: I never missed him. I never missed him as he had broken me so badly. That kept me away even if I at one occasion post-leaving sat on our drive way when he was away thinking to myself that maybe we could work it out. Thankfully I left in panic, realizing what I was about to do, before he came home to find me there. The pull to go back wasn’t about him I realized then, it was about stability and knowing a little bit more about what every day looked like. Then, I realized that I was allowed to create that for myself. I was able to create a new stability and new routines.

I failed at taking care of myself for a long time. Living without a kitchen for 4 months I added the habit of eating out every day and night. That weight I put on and what it spiraled into with my health are still stuff I have to deal with today. But I am getting myself together and confident that I will lose those 30-40 lbs again. If I gained them I can lose them right?! J

People that know me have told me that I am like a new person. And despite my huge weight gain (to the point I am wearing yoga pants every day) everyone I meet say I look so beautiful and full of life. My aura, spirit, and smile is at a whole different level and people are calling me for a beautiful person inside and out. They love the way I look (even if I sometimes wondering if they are blind LOL) then I realize that it isn’t about the weight – it is something more than that. 

I had to work HARD on that spirit. I have taken very many online classes, angel classes and meditation session to  get myself back. I have learned that it is far more profitable to ask “why am I so beautiful and skinny?” than to say “why am I so fat and ugly?” --- because the Universe will show you exactly what you are asking about. I rather know why I am beautiful than why I am ugly J Life becomes far more fun to live that way. I have also learned to say my gratitude out loud, even if they are not currently reality – yet “I am so, so grateful and thankful that I love to wake up early in the morning to exercise” (LOL) – It actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. People may call me crazy – but that is ok. I feel crazy-happy many times during the day. And that is far better then feeling like you are going crazy inside that abusive relationship. 

Unfortunately I don't have that one magic word that will get those of you who feel a little stuck to get out of your seats to do something. But I promise you that despite your fear, anxiety and guilt you are feeling today - it won't feel like that on the other side but you will have to fight those feelings to get there. Tell yourself that your abuser put them there to keep you there. Like that ball and chain to your ankle.     

Love and Blessings to all. 

I must fly

I picture myself standing on the edge of something. 

There is one step left to feel Love, Acceptance, Understanding, Trust etc... 

I am so ready to take that step and to Fly. 

I. Want. To. Fly. 

So badly.

But, the fear that something will grab me and drag me down so I can not fly make me stand there on the edge creating a mixture of feelings of love, acceptance, understanding, trust etc with fear of not being enough to be loved, not being perfect enough to be accepted, not being understood, not being worthy of trust... 

Words and actions that have been thrown in my face for so long hold me back. 

They hold me back on that edge. Anchoring my feet so I cannot take that final step and just fly... 

Instead I prepare myself for never being able to fly.

No matter how true that reality is the best way to really describe it is the word "symptoms". They are just symptoms of what has happened to me. Not symptoms of what is happening to me. The reason I cannot fly is not present. It is in the past. The present has brought me to that edge in the first place. Offered me that leap of faith to fly. 

I am here... All I must do is just fly.    

I breath it everyday

Like a fluttering light, a full moon, and a laughter in a silent room...
None go unnoticed. 

...Annoying, beautiful, or just attention catching. No matter what it is, it is like someone touching your shoulder gently saying "look here" or "listen to this". A sign maybe?

The things to see and the sounds to listen to are ALWAYS there, we just have to be reminded of them from time to time. Sometimes they are physical and sometimes they are deep within. Or anywhere in-between...

It is really true when I say that I have had the worst and the best years of my life in 2014. I have accomplished by biggest goal while going through hell to do so. Looking back I have a hard time understanding I am standing here today feeling a myriad of feelings. My greatest fear is still lingering, which is to be stuck again, not being able to move forward. I keep this feeling as a reminder that freedom is not free. I feel thankful for everything that has been handed to me, from a free lunch, a hand to hold, all the way to a place to live. And I also feel exhausted. I try to grasp for air, fresh air to regain my energy.

There has been ONE feeling that has stayed constant through it all. It is here on days I am weak and on days I am strong. On days I am happy and on days I am sad. On days I am alone and on days I am with someone. That feeling is LOVE.

There is something powerful about love. Something no quote on google can ever really describe. It is a feeling. It is a force. It is motivation. It is all things good. And I want to be nothing less than LOVE.

L O V E  I S  M Y  P U R P O S E

It may sound too poetic but trust me I am no poet... It may be hard to understand what "be love" really means. I don't know it yet... but that is ok. Because the love is still there. I breath it every day. I feel it everyday, and I will never forget Love.

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Chosen by God for this new life of love, 

I dress in the wardrobe He picked out for me: 

compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. 

I am even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. 

I forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave me. 

And regardless of what else I put on, I wear love. 

It is my basic, all-purpose garment. 

I never want to be without it. 

COLOSSIANS 3:12-14

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Everything

Someday I want my fear to be described just like this... 

...because I want to LOVE and to be LOVED in return.

Righteousness and Peace kiss each other

Since it is Thanksgiving week right now I figured I would share something on the lighter side. I am a Pinterest fan! (ok that was not what I wanted to share - but the story starts here...) I go on Pinterest on a regular basis, some weeks multiple times a day - you know waking up, bathroom breaks, going to bed, when you are slightly bored, when an idea just hits your head and you cannot let it go until you have done at least some investigation... etc. You get the point.

So, in the middle of all the darkness I have been through over the past years. Close to 8 years to be exact... I was also held up by some crazy force that kept telling me to fight! It told me to even if I locked it away, to not forget whom I was. Ever. So I did. I locked myself up but I didn't forget her. And finally she is starting to come out... humbly and careful but she is on her way out... And she is a force of LOVE.

I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge on Pinterest over the weekend and when I did my soul just smiled! It was exactly what I needed to do... (I added my own part to it too but still).

I encourage you to do the same, no matter where you are in your life because if you start to look at things in a different light (perhaps) things will start to change for the better. You know, it is the law of attraction - positivity attracts positivity.. love attracts love... happiness attracts happiness...

Sorry, I am babbling. Here is the 30 day challenge:

DAY 1 

Name and write down three new things you are grateful for when you wake up. 

Continue for 29 more days.

[waking up focusing on the positive can be a great start of your day as positivity feeds positivity]  

My own addition: Write down one of your most significant prayer for the day.

[remembering your prayer will easier identify that they actually came true...]

DAY 2

Write down one meaningful thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 

Continue for 28 more days.

[when you start you will find so many little things in life to be grateful about]

DAY 3 

Reach out to someone you know and praise them. 

Continue for 27 more days. 

[you know what it feels like being told by someone how special you are to them, return the favor!]

DAY 4

Start doing cardio for at least 15 minutes a day. 

Continue for 26 more days. 

[exercise releases endorphins do I need to say more?!]

DAY 5

Start meditating for at least 5 minutes a day. 

Continue for 25 more days. 

[deep breathing keeps us relaxed, provides oxygen to the blood and helps clean out toxins]

DAY 30

You made it! We hope you will keep these habits going beyond the challenge! 

I put the writing part of this challenge on different colored post-it notes and I post them on my wall in my bedroom. When I have completed the 30 day challenge I will buy a journal and put them all in there... It is visual and exciting and my wall is growing of positivity!

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"I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints... 

...Love and Faithfulness meet together; Righteousness and Peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth, and Righteousness looks down from heaven."

-PSALM 85:8, 10-11 

 

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Not without Courage

Tomorrow, November 14th, will be the 2 month anniversary of my own courage. Yes, I am celebrating my COURAGE. It is the day I left. The day I closed the door behind me and my life as it had been up until that point. The life that was full of abuse and self-minimizing... I finally had the courage to leave it.

I don't know how I did it but there was a spark inside of me. A strength that was kindled by a Divine power that could not be ignored. It became stronger than the fear. I became stronger than the fear. It made me pack, it made me take one step in front of the other and finally step out and close the door behind me. I felt like I was in a daze when I did it. I had no emotions I just did, like I was on autopilot.

I managed to pack my clothes, shoes, books, personal belongings and kitchen stuff but left all furniture and items I will survive without. There are still plenty of my things in that house and I do hope to one day get them back but I don't know if I will. And it will not kill me if I don't. (Staying would have killed me.)

When I had thought of me leaving in the past I had envisioned it as a Hollywood movie where I would walk out the house with loud empowering music playing, friends embracing me on the street outside high five:ing me, and with a smile on my face I would just walk away... Proud.

That surely didn't happen. When I closed that door behind me I was a lonely nervous wreck asking myself (still) if I had done the right thing, even if I knew I had. I talked to my unknowing ex one last time on the phone, told him I loved him one last time - it wasn't genuine but I did it anyway. Then I turned my phone and location tracker off and a relief washed over me.

He was not able to call or text me. He didn't know where I was. I had done it... finally.   

 

One day

This will be me one day... 

...one day.