What two years can do

It has been two years now.

Two years of freedom. Two years since I closed that door behind me as I left an eight year abusive relationship...

When I think of it now I have very split emotions about it. It feels like it was a lifetime ago yet I get chills every time a memory pops up in my head. I have driven by our old house on two occasions and the first time I did I was so happy to see that the house actually looked like there was love in there now. There was a shine to it that it certainly didn't have before. It gave me peace because I was honestly worried that all the negative energy that had been in that house would effect whomever moved in.

I have continued to work on myself and my future dreams and I am very excited to report that I have come a long way! I am currently in the process of opening my Life Coaching business helping people that feels "stuck" in their lives. The path to get here hasn't been the easiest but I think with my experience, knowledge, passion, and compassion I have what it takes. I love it - pure and simple. It is currently in its early phases and I am still working on my approach so I haven't been able to leave corporate america behind yet but I feel it is literally behind the next corner. So so close...

Currently I have two online courses live with almost 1000 students so that is pretty cool. One is about Loving Yourself, which is the first one I did... I felt it was the most important one. Then I did a short one about chocolate cravings. But working with clients one-on-one and in small groups is what I aspire to do.  

Two years and life gets better and better...

All you need is love...

Love is generally the source of good in our lives: it motivates us, it comforts us, and it heals us, among many other things. But, in the instances where abuse is present in a relationship, love can keep us trapped...

“But I love him so much” is a common response from a woman when asked why she is not leaving the relationship. For many years I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to just give love to a broken soul who was abusing me while receiving no love in return. And while I cannot speak for other women I can say that my love finally ran out. And in retrospect; the feelings I had wasn’t really love – it was fear – mistaken as love. 

The abuse, in the disguise of love, kept me in the loop of always having to try harder, do better and love more… because if I didn’t the abuse would follow. And I am sure that it is the reality of many relationships, were a woman thinks she loves him. 

When I was in the abusive relationship I kept looking for ways to love better and I learned about the theory of the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I truly believe these languages are true for most people and can be used in every relationship from work colleagues to soul mates. But, for an abuser it doesn’t matter; what was right yesterday isn’t right today. 

The five languages of love are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. As much as they are a tool to show love and appreciation to someone you care about, the abuser can turn your own love language into a very painful trap in the name of love instead. 

Words of Affirmation – “I appreciate you because…” 

This language uses words to affirm other people.  Specific statements of why you feel a certain way about another person will be remembered.  Verbal abuse with specific personal statements is what hurts the most to this person. And we all know an abuser is very good at telling his significant other how bad and horrible they are all the time.

Acts of Service – “Let me do that for you” 

For these people, actions speak louder than words. Help them out with their tasks, even if it is just taking out the garbage or cooking dinner. Instead of a helping out an abuser would never lift a finger to help with even the smallest everyday tasks while also having an excuse of why they can’t help or more important – why they shouldn’t. 

Receiving Gifts – “I have been planning this gift for you for weeks” 

For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift; a thoughtful gift that shows that you care and thought about them. For an abuser it is very easy to neglect someone’s birthday, special occasions or holidays. And what’s worse is that they will use your day to doing or getting something they want instead and tell you that it was for you and you should be grateful.  

Quality Time – “I am yours for the rest of the evening, my phone is off” 

This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. Being there is all the matters. Spend the time talking uninterrupted or do something together. The opposite of this would be the dreaded silent-treatment. The abuser will be a silent member of the household or they will leave the home for however long they feel is appropriate based on how much they feel you should be punished. Or it could also take the turn on if you want to spend time with them - you have to do it on their terms.

Physical Touch – “Let me hold you until you fall asleep” 

To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch. Hugging, high fives, gentle touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling… With an abuser this can get ugly. You may submit yourself to having sex just to feel somewhat loved or maybe even prefer violent physical treatment than no physical touch at all.

While all types of abuse that I briefly mentioned are horrible and I have been feeling the pains of all of them, some just digs deeper into my soul and leaves a scar and I would assume the same is true for other women. The cycle of abuse and the love trap gets even crazier when you put the two together. The abuser will use your love language to hurt you AND to get you back….

For me, who is a combination Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch person, I was abused verbally and mentally. He told me how horrible I was at most tasks that I did and after a blow out where I would cry profoundly he would comfort me with a long hug which made me think things were ok again.  

For someone else the opening could be physical violence and a nice gift to get you back, or the silent treatment for weeks to you coming home to a three course meal with candles…

… And that is what I mean when I say that love can keep us trapped. Not because it is love, but because we hope and think it is.        

It is never easy with a Narcissist

"I want to make you suffer"

Like taken out of a thriller, Thuderstorm spoke those words to me not even a week ago. I could feel the chills going through my body as I was sitting there with the phone up against my ear. He truly meant it. Like possessed by the Devil he just felt he had the right... because at the end of the day, I hurt him greatly by leaving him.... the way I did.... and I must be punished. Again.

"I am not intending to make this easy for you"

We were on the phone about the divorce mediation that just started. (I totally see why divorce mediation is not advisable for a case like ours by the way). Thunderstorm had decided a few weeks earlier that divorce mediation was the way to go to save money... and I figured I would be able to handle it as it would be the fastest way anyway. So here we are... having to talk on occasion and having to make decision together. It is a painful process and probably would be even if you are on the same page. Divorcing an abuser and a narcissist is not "supposed" to be easy. Divorcing them is tapping into and destroying their fragile self-image. They are going to make you pay for it.

I am fully aware that I am going to walk away with far less than half of our belongings. Willingly. My freedom is worth more than things. He can have it all if he asks for it. I'll sleep on the floor with a towel as my blanket and a shoe as my pillow if I have to. I have already left most of what is considered mine, and I am so much better off anyway. 

"When this is over with you will be dead to me"

There was a time in the past were I had imagined him and I being on the same birthday party for one of our mutual friends. Being able to be civil around others.. but that image is wiped away... and even though that comment was fired off with the intention to hurt me, I was relieved. I CAN'T WAIT!

"I never want to see you happy ever again"

What a surprise!
Unfortunately, for him, I am already happier... should I tell him? ;)

Self realization and Self healing

On the path of recovering from my abusive marriage I picked up a book called "You are Loved. Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You" by Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt. A book that turned out to be a DIY Bible study... (I guess that is how God forced me to buy my own Bible - it is pink by the way) 

All chapters have hit right at heart and there was one chapter in particular that stood out to me. The story wasn't based on the same reality but the words were mine... every single one of them. So I have below re-written Sally's story from chapter 3 "Satan wants to steal and destroy our confidence in God's unchanging love" with my own heart and soul behind it...

Picture from CandieInk on Etsy

YOU ARE LOVED
Moving to this country and marrying my husband was enlightening at first. However, with every day, a shadow seemed to creep more profoundly over my heart. 

A realization that “I was not worthy” that I was inadequate before God, and ultimately my husband, weighted like a ton of bricks on my heart. I smiled on the outside and performed the tasks of living with the new responsibilities of being a wife and I did as best as I could. But no one could have guessed what the voices were saying to me inside my mind. 

Without even noticing I had been gathering a bundle of guilt, failures, fears, and inadequacies that I carried inside of me every day. They were a dark cloud that often defined how I felt about myself: “You are not loved because you are inadequate. You are just playing the role of being a wife and a good person, but God and your husband are disappointed in you. If people knew what you are really like, they would see your shame and shortcomings.” 

In-between my late 20’s and early 30’s, the façade people observed by the mask of friendliness I wore, did not resemble my inside feelings. Blond hair, blue eyes, I tried and tried and tried to make myself as perfect as possible hoping someone would truly love me – I attempted to win favor by my looks, my performances at work, and all things external – but inside, I felt unworthy for anyone to love me. Perhaps on the outside, I looked like I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling, minimizing all the abuse that was performed on my expense. 

Night after night, I slumped alone, under my blanket in silence, weeping desperately and physically aching as though something inside was going to burst. No matter what I accomplished, how hard I attempted to be excellent, I always fell short; there was always more abuse or fear of it. A deep longing to be known and still loved haunted me daily. 

Too abused to understand, I had not realized that somehow, I had received a message from my husband, that his love was based on my performance. And I convinced myself of the same thing – if you do the right things, you will be acceptable. If you please him, you would be popular, but if he saw the real you, he would not want to know you. If I made a mistake or chose different values than him, I would be ignored or condemned. 

Love had been conditional, based on my performance and I never knew when I was going to be “in” or “out” of acceptance in my life. I had been surrounded by the one who felt free to criticize me and I had listened to his messages. 

I sought the impossible. I had been striving my whole married life to be enough to impress my husband to notice me, to affirm the longings in my heart to be noticed, heard, understood, loved for who I was as I was. All I wanted was to curl up in the arms of someone strong who would truly love me, for the comfort and security I had always longed for but never quite experienced. But I could never, would never admit that out loud (– until here and now).

FINDING GOD

As I poured out my heart to God one day in May of 2014, that I barely knew -- and felt compassion, gentleness and love in return – there was no condemnation there. God was excited that I put my faith in Him. The truth is that we will never have to perform for God, because His love for us is endless, infinite, constant and abundant once you put your faith in him. 

ALWAYS KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU

But there is one who wants to keep you from knowing the secrets and amazing love of God – Satan despises those who want to love God. He would love to whisper words of darkness into your heart so that you will be distracted and waste your time trying to please God, when you are already all that you need to be to please Him. You must begin to recognize the voices that are not truths and then determine not to accept them as truths or listen to them. All you have to do is reject his lies and live into the truth and strong foundations of love that God has communicated to you in scripture! There will always be a spiritual battle going on in your heart, because Satan comes to steal away your faith and confidence. 

Satan knows that if he can get you to focus on yourself and look at your inadequacies, you will not be free to enjoy the incredible love and forgiveness of God. When you listen to his voices, you are actually giving into Satan’s lies and then he has you living a defeated life.”

YOU ARE GOD'S PRINCESS
You are royalty because you have been adopted by the King, the creator of the universe. That is your heritage and that is the reality of His love for you. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

You must, as a little girl before God, run to Him with open arms and rest and abide in this great love. Only when you accept this love and trust Him will you ever be free from the darkness you feel.

We cannot be free to love as long as we are dwelling on ourselves, our own inadequacies, bitterness, lack of forgiveness for ourselves or for others. Jesus desires us to live freely, no condemnation hanging over our heads, so that we become freer to love others as well.  

20 of 20 - I am doing crazy things for the sake of doing

They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- At numerous times have I done crazy things just to protect myself. Thunderstorm was away for the night once with some friends and I was going to go out with some of my friends. Driving to my friend's house I freaked out because I had left the computer on and my facebook account was open. Even if I knew he wasn't going to come home that night I went back home to log out just in case he would find something on there that he would use against me. In the past when he would read some of my emails I sent to friends he would ask why I would end an email with "hug" and he would get all angry about it.When that is just something I say to most of my friends when I finish an email...

I have both left mail in the mail box and taken mail out of the mail box with the intent to calm my nervousness. Don't ask me why... because none of it really works. The nervousness don't residue in the mail.. it's him.. I guess some mail I wanted him to be the one to open and some mail I wanted him NOT to open.. but it could be the same mail one month from the next... making no sense really. 

My every day task would be to check on him to define my own mood. While driving back home from work I would always call for two specific reasons: 1) He would get angry if I had just showed up at the house without calling first. 2) To check on how he was doing, if he was angry I would have to try to figure out stuff to calm him down, if he was content I could be calm, if he was not home yet, I would smile... 





  

Motivated by fear

When your full time job, or at least your full time mental job is to think and obsess over what to do or not to do in order to prevent an outburst of any kind from your abuser... then you know it's gone too far. Or hopefully you know it has gone too far. Most of the time when you reach this point you are so deep into it that you have lost all self-esteem that was ever there and you may think it is all because you are doing everything wrong.

You have crumbled. You are not You anymore. You are a puppet attached to strings controlled by someone else. Your every move and word is calculated to not wake the sleeping bear. But the bear always awakens and you are there to play along. Give the bear what he needs.

I got to the point (yes I just recently left - I will tell you more about that later) where I was afraid of doing nothing and to do something because no matter what I decided to do it would be wrong. I was damned if I did and I was damned if I didn't. Constantly on pins and needles. Feeling like something was strangling my heart from within. Holding my breath without realizing it.

The most calm moment of my day would be when he was asleep. When he was asleep there would be no abuse and no chance of abuse, since it is mostly the fear of abuse that is keeping you trapped, and I would look at him and feel a hope of love in there. I wanted so bad to love and I wanted so bad that my love for him would be enough. Enough for him to treat me well. But the threats continued and somewhere the love turned into despair and the despair into emptiness.

He never thought he was treating me bad. He always believed, and still does, that he only did what was best for me. He was teaching me valuable lessons to make me a better person and spouse.   

When you feel NOTHING (beside for fear and worries) being around your significant other you are lost. The person you once were is not there anymore. She is gone. And if you stay with him she will never return. You will become a new you... do you want that?        

19 of 20 - How can you even think that?!

Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

My hair is a hot topic. I have colored it in different colors, I have cut it shorter, I have curled it and I have kept it straight. It is a subject he likes - if I do what he likes and a subject he loves to bring up if I do not. He likes it blond, long and curly.

One evening we were going to an event. You can call it "his" event, at least that is what he calls it because it was for one of the organizations he is involved in. I had to wear a gown and was going to put in my blond extensions and curl it. I truly looked like a princess. I also had a silver headband in my hair to match my silver-gray dress.

When I was done with my hair and make up he was so angry. So so angry that he made me shake. He threw hangers and told me he no longer wanted to go to this event that I had ruined it all. I thought, and said that I don't understand why you are so upset about me wearing a headband... And he replies "it is not about the headband it is about the fact that you do not want to do what your husband asks you to do. You are not willing to please me. After all this is my event and you should look the way I wanted you to look. It is such a small thing to ask of you and still you cannot do it." 

He has said the same thing over and over and over.. And still feels the same right about that he fully have the right to tell me what to do with my hair. I cut it - it is making me look like a boy. I color it - I don't look like his wife and he cannot look at me... He just cannot understand how I cannot have my hair the way it would please him the most at all times, because it is such a small thing. But if I say that "yes it is such a small thing that you should allow me to have it the way I like it" he does not understand. That if I do, he has the right to call me out on it and make me feel like I am a horrible person. That I don't understand how to please him and that it is just a little thing that is so easy to do.  

I know this is not a really good example of the above statement but the truth to be told.. There has been so many conversations where he has twisted my truth that I no longer remember them or understand where it started and ended. All I know is that my thoughts are most often wrong and he pays very little attention to them. He seem to want to hear them but just to twist them around to make me feel like I am worthless. And bring them back later and use them as a weapon against me...

18 of 20 - When a look or a sound hurts your soul...

Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

- "What time will you be home tonight" he says when talking over the phone about my dinner get-together with a group of friends I see a few times a year. Initially I wasn't even going to go to try to avoid any uncomfortable feelings he would throw at me. But I decided to go. Because I wanted to go. I decided that the feelings he would throw at me would be better than having to actually spend the evening with him. I told him two days before that I was going and the comment that came out of his mouth was "Oh wow! I get two days notice, you normally tell me as you are on your way from work and on your way there already". He is not wrong about that last statement but there is a reason for it. By me doing it that way I am already on my way and have more power within myself to basically just tell him where I am going instead of asking him a few days in advance and then have to deal with his questions and all that. I have been conditioned to do it this way from years of abuse just as described above.

- "Not sure, I think it will last to at least 9pm" I respond, hoping that I will be there until much longer so I can be sure he is asleep when I get home.

- "Huhhh" he respond with disbelief in his tone, making the comment as he forces air out of his lungs in a fast cough it seems like.

This is just a tiny tiny way he is controlling me. Not even noticeable if you are taking a first glimpse at it. It doesn't sound bad at all - what is she complaining about?!

The thing is... it didn't use to be like this, and it shouldn't be like this. We went from "normal" to very aggressive and destructive comments, to this... Because he does not need to use the aggressive and destructive comments anymore at least not all the time. A sound, a look, silence, a word... will do. I know exactly what it means and it stabs me just as hard as the aggressive and destructive comments do, only these are coming and going unnoticed by others. He can abuse me openly in front of others without them knowing.

When a look can do it... you know you have been there too long.

17 of 20 - Can you see the red flags?

The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm barley has any friends left. They can only take so much of him these days. They don't call and hang out anymore. No spontaneous stopping by the house for a beer or a chat. Nothing. They ask their wives if they think I am ok.. They ask themselves if he is different with me. Like nice different. That I have a way to control his ways, calm him down, untangle his mess.

I can't. He is the same with me. Impossible. Angry. Crazy. Most would claim that they don't understand him. That is a good statement because you don't want to understand a narcissistic abuser. If you did, chances are you are one too.

When I meet people that have known Thunderstorm since he was in high school they look at me and then give this face as "are you crazy too?" In the past I used to say that if I had known him back then I wouldn't be with him today - and that statement is probably true. And then I would continue saying that he is different now and they would all sigh with relief...

It is a shame that we get abused to the point we can't even see the red flags... 

16 of 20 - Finding faults in others is like his power source

The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Thunderstorm loves to identify faults in others. That is the first thing he sees and he thrives on it. It makes him feel better about himself (I think at least - because why would he do it otherwise?) Last Saturday we were out for a movie and dinner and I cannot remember a good comment coming out of his mouth. He complained about the cost of going to the movies. He complained about the long wait at the bar before we could order our food. He complained about some people at work. He complained about me not being good at communicating. He complained about everything he could think of. And all I wanted was to hear one comment that was positive. One.

Being around a person that becomes an expert in complaining, criticizing and tormenting others and feel powerful doing it is a person that is draining to be around. You will never have enough energy to deal with it. You will never put a positive twist to the thought because he cannot see it... and you will ultimately be wrong for thinking a positive thought. You will be wrong and delusional and stupid. And the circle has started over - with you.. and it will always and forever come back to you until you break yourself free and get the f*ck out.

My energy levels are at dangerously low...
I am working on breaking myself out...
Soon. I. Will. Be. Free.   

14 of 20 - "Get out before it get's worse"

Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home. 

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

A few years ago, Thunderstorm was away from home for a weekend and I was out with some friends from work and had a great time. (The fact that I only "dare" to hang out with my work friends when he is not in town is a red flag on its own..) This one girl, Sue, and her boyfriend later met up with Thunderstorm and myself for drinks - another place and another time. Monday after she told me - "you are so different when you are with him". I can't remember how I responded but I do remember thinking about it. That I knew she was right but I couldn't figure out really why. Why was I different with him? Was I aware that I was afraid of him? Was I aware that he had trained me to be someone else?

Thunderstorm get's jealous when I show my family love. He will dislike them more when I do. He will find fault with them and openly share those thoughts with me in hope that I will start to dislike them just a little bit. He hates the kids more... The kids I hug, kiss, and love with all of my heart.. He does not understand why they should get the attention at all.

He has told me several times that if my family is not  there for him he will cut them out of his life. He will not play polite. He did this in real life too. He was pouting like a baby one Christmas when we were all hanging out. The reason was that my parents were hesitant to letting us borrow their car for a trip to the mountains. He pouted and I acted like a complete bitch to my parents thanks to it. They ended up letting us borrow the car - so he got rewarded for acting like a complete idiot in front of my family and I was so ashamed of him (and me for the matter).

The fact that I don't even live in the same country as my family makes this easier for him to control me and to keep them at a distance. And for me, it makes it easier to hide my despair from them. When I talk to them or write on my blog I only talk about good things. They don't know anything about what is going on. At least not from me telling them.

My friends here are all offering me a place to stay at if I need to. They all see what he does to me. After I allowed them into my life that is. Now they all see and I am not trying to hide it anymore. They tell me to get out now. Not tomorrow, now!

I saw the red flags but I didn't do anything

I heard a new song on the radio last week. It was suppose to be all cute and romantic but it gave me the chills. I wish I had remember the name of it but I don't right now..

But this song brought me to a blog post I had written in June of 2011 - over three years ago now. I was writing about my life with Thunderstorm, although back then I didn't call him that. But you can see some of the red flags I had already picked up on, yet I tried to write it with a positive angle since I didn't want to hurt anyone reading it, my family mainly.

Here are some parts of the post:

"Thunderstorm does not love that many people, in contrast to me whom finds love in a lot of things in life and those people I have around me. But when Thunderstorm loves, he does so very strongly. There is no grey area with him, it is either black or white. Loyal I guess you can call him and he does everything for those he loves". [confusion on my part --- he obviously did not do everything for those he loves, but rather control them]


"He is also very protective and says he would not be able to live with himself in case something happened to me, something he knew he could have prevented in the first place. It is a part I appreciate with him but at the same time it drives me crazy. I am a free spirit and want to do what I want to do, but that is not possible with him. Thunderstorm seems to see danger behind every corner and is prepared for the worst. I, on the other hand, see experiences and opportunities behind every corner and I want to at least peek every time. Sometimes this causes problems. We don't understand each other at all. Communication problems in a nutshell". [a very strong sign of an abuser when they say that they just want to protect you... it has nothing to do with you, but rather them and their control issues]


"We also have completely different love languages. I am a Physical touch person and Thunderstorm prefers Acts of Service. When I clean the apartment he takes that as I love him while I just mean that it needed to be cleaned. When I want to cuddle next to him while watching a movie he just says it is too warm. His was of showing love is appreciated during winter when he removed the snow on my car, I never have to do it." [his love language is not in the book. Yes he loves services but he would never be satisfied ever]


"Thunderstorm is a assertive and self-confident person. An alpha male. He is a great teacher and loved to teach stuff he knows and can. He has his own ways of looking at things and he is very hard to convince into another perspective unless you can prove it scientifically". [ehhh... yes, he will yell at you if you are doing something "wrong" I don't know if that is being a great teacher.. and that he has no ability to look at things from a different point of view]


"He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. I wish I could say the same about me. I just want stuff to be done fast or I'll lose interest in it. I think Thunderstorm is a notch more stubborn and proud, and pays attention to stuff around him more than what others does."  [the traits of an abuser...]

When Thunderstorm later read this post in it's full after I had posted it in 2011, he flipped out and left the house. He was "hurt" and was so upset about that now people would look at him as the person who want's favors in form of services. He hated me for it. The outburst should have been another red flag for me. But I blamed the whole thing on myself.. *my stomach is twisting*

13 of 20 - If you can justify your actions it is ok no matter what

Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.


Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

-"But you lied to me" he said when I pointed out that he had smashed a hole in the wall a year ago and broken the mirror in the process. Yes, maybe I had lied to him and he had found out... I lie to him all the time, I admit, to protect my soul, that I don't remember what made him this wild this specific time. I wish I did. So I could give you a good comparison to his behavior.

What is the right reaction to a lie? And when is a lie ok? When can you brush it off your shoulder and when do you have to smash a wall? I wasn't cheating. I wasn't planning to celebrate Christmas with his parents behind his back (who he hates with a passion), I wasn't talking shit about him to anyone, I wasn't doing anything as drastic as punching a hole in the wall. But it is my fault he did that. I made him do that. He had no free will to allow himself to do it. I made him do it...

????!?!!!? Yes... I know.. Say you want to punch a hole in the wall because of something. At one point or another you are going to ask yourself "should I really?" and you will either decide to do it (allow yourself to do it) or not. Your hand will not swing without you making that decision.. and that is the truth. But for some reason in this specific incident, I must have taken his hand and swung it for him... because it is my fault there is a hole in the wall.

Makes completely sense! I finally see it ;)