9 of 20 - You better stop what you are doing and focus on me...

No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

"Will encourage you to..." I wish it was put in an encouraging way.. LOL.. he pretty much demanded I quit my hobby I have done for as long as I can remember. Dancing. I used to compete internationally for many years both as a dancer and as a choreographer and lately I have just been teaching it at a low level.

He wanted me to stop. Done. Over. Finito. Every time I would come home from practice he would act sad making me not being able to show happiness over something I loved doing. After months and even years of this treatment; I would even act sad and find reasons to say why it wasn't fun anymore every time I would come home from it.  It was sick. I knew I loved it but showing him that I did just made things worse! He was happier when I was not.

I was teaching dance because I love it and to help pay off my school loans. He saw it as me prioritizing rich kids over him. I honestly don't even think me quitting about a year ago now has changed anything for us. Because, in the end, nothing is ever good enough.

I also run a small Etsy shop. He hates it. He hates that I spend time creating instead of spending it with him or spending it doing something for him... I can never win. I can never do anything right in his eyes and finally I have realized that it is his view of the reality that is twisted, not mine.

I would never ask someone to give up their hobbies for me, would you?
I would never think that someone spending time doing what they love would diminish their love for me, would you? (It makes me happy to see someone happy - why on earth would I ever want to take that away from them??? It does not make sense to me at all).

6 of 20 - It is never ending so don't fool yourself

The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Warning Signs you are Dating a Loser by Joe M. Carver PhD.
To see all 20 signs and steps to end the relationship click here

Sometimes the cycles are long and sometimes they are short, but they are there. At times I feel he even blacks out. That he forgets about the mean stuff and continues as nothing happened. But I now realizes that he doesn't black out - he just don't care nor does he think there was anything wrong with what happened. He never apologizes to me. I don't feel he thinks he need to because in his mind I am the reason to why he is so angry.  And I never confront him to apologize either, I am too scared to.

Right now we are in a "sweet" phase. He is not overly sweet but he does not yell and curse and all that right now. And on top of it, the house is clean... I must have shown him I love him or something along those lines.

He keeps saying "I love you" every day now.. I wonder what he really feels. He does not feel genuine love, like most people feel love. I am sure he feels something. But in this case I think he feels that I am slipping away. That I am changing (which I am) and he is using "I love you" as a trick to lure me back in.. I respond as passionately as the blacktop on our driveway. I could care less what he says to me at this point. It is not real. He does not love me - he just wants to control me.

I am a Beast of Burden

I was googling the other day and found "The Narcissist in your life" blog and it was like she was talking about my relationship... Here is just a snapshot... (her writing) my comments

Narcissistic Abusers - Their Human Beasts of Burden
A beast of burden is defined as an animal who carries heavy loads or must do very hard work. Narcissists often put their children, spouses, siblings and others in these roles as human beasts of burden. In effect their children, spouses and siblings are their servants.

The narcissist is imperious. He/she is the ruler in every “relationship.” The narcissist gives orders–quite literally–and those close to him/her are expected to obey on the spot...
...The narcissistic spouse is impossible–making outrageous demands, throwing criticisms right and left, making the partner feel unworthy and defective...

Like I have said before - if the cooking, laundry or cleaning is not done on time every time I am a worthless person. It never fails. He may not call it out on every occasion but it will build up into something for the future. Every time I am leaving work I must have a dinner plan in mind, and I must have at least three different suggestions so he can pick what he wants. It gives me anxiety every day and I rather just stay at work!

...Many spouses of these narcissists stay married to them. They continue to take the psychological blows and to become human beasts of burden who will do the bidding of the narcissistic partner, regardless of how depleted, exhausted or frustrated they are. They are devoted to someone who is hurting them. They feel the stress and pain in their bodies and the mental distress—yet they continue in these roles, often throughout the marriage... 

For a long time I did. I guess I still do since we are still married. I wish I would have realized a long time ago. And I wish I would have started the mental process of leaving him sooner. I knew something was off with him probably less than one year after we got married and moved in together. But, I didn't recognize that it was him, I just though our relationship was going into one of those roller coaster downhills, or worse - because of me.

At least I have figured out where I stand. That is at least 25% of the battle. Right?